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so me and my boy are tight, we used to get it in passing chicks around and whatever in college. he always wanna do a 2on1, some latent gay shit i guess but we never did it to his chagrin.
so one night we go to my other boy's birthday party, he was a little older, married, kind of a herb really. so we say, eh, not getting any action here. he tried to set up a 2on1 with some little petite mommy there, i was like it's all you, bro. but we also met this really, really fat jawn there. i mean normally i am not one to talk, but she was like tree fitty, no exaggeration.
so during the convo amongst us it comes up that i have a beach spot for the next week and i am having people down. i gave the old larry david "just to be polite" offer to everyone to come. of course earthquake seizes the moment, says she will come down the first weekend. great. i say "bring a two piece!" jokingly.
fam, when i got to the spot she was WAITING FOR ME FOR AN HOUR. like just posted up outside. weird but OK, i open up, chill, make small talk and my boy (the 2on1 suitor) shows up. we had some dinner and drinks, whatever, go back, i'm like ready to hit the sack. nah, she stays up talking and talking, acting like we are the best friends she ever had.
so my boy, who has smanged some really beautiful girls, is also the king of attracting ugly ones (she was also pretty plain looking even if she were thin) and messing with them. i remember he smanged some fat black chick with terrible extensions and a voice like shaq in college. anyway, he starts talking about sex and fantasies, right away she gets AWKWARD AS FUCK. like the things she was saying literally made him "uh, that's it?"
So we get ready for bed, there was a master bedroom with a big bed that I took and then two twin beds in the other room. I said fuck this, it's my place, I am gonna take the master bed.
My boy is like "Come on man, be polite offer it to her" but I read his mind as "Don't leave me out here with her." I do my man a solid, OK, OK, Earthquake, do you want the big bed? She says no, I say oh, cmon, I feel bad and she said "NO, seriously, if you want me to sleep in there you're going to have to drag me."
Weirded out, I left them.
The next four hours she is up telling about how she, a THIRTY FOUR YEAR OLD WOMAN, is a virgin and trusts him, wants him to be her first and all types of shit. OMG, when he told me the next day I pitied him like he had syphilis. He managed to avoid it without completely destroying her confidence but WOW! I could not have handled that situation. And you will know MY JACKET IS GOLD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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I remember saying out loud "Really?!?" 
