This shit is all over my laptop. Got fake antivirus software alerts. wont let me open any files - rkill, mbam, malwarebytes, nada.

I'm in dire need of some assistance

if you can put malwarebytes on a flash drive, you may be able to open it from there.

when you download it, rename it and run it. That will at least get the rootkit cleaned off so you can run other stuff. It may get rid of everything.

http://www.bleepingcomputer.com/combofix/how-to-use-combofix

wtf kinda program is this? lol
I gotta have a guide walk me through this?
is that shit real or can I just DL and run it regularly.