|
Thank you for that.
You've overcome a lot, and best of fortune as as you continue your quest to conquer these demons.
>No, I didn't grow up like he did, and I'm much older. > >But I understand him & what he is dealing with. > >I too have a problem with alcohol & weed. I KNOW that I have >a problem. My problem has impacted my motivation, my work >ethic, my employment, my relationships & my parenting. > >When I was exactly Josh's age, I tried cocaine for the first >time. I basically became an insta-junkie & my already >precarious life came crashing down around me. Luckily, for >me, I had a father who was willing to give me one last shot >after 5 years of addiction struggles & failures (during which >time I always worked by the way, despite leaving college & >working shit jobs in large part because of drinking & smoking >as well as clinical depression I refused to face >realistically). So after approximately one month as a cocaine >addict, I headed off to rehab for the second time, knowing it >was my last chance as my family would cut me off if I failed). > I succeeded, mostly. I have not touched cocaine in nearly 16 >years. For a year I did not drink & I did not smoke weed for >over a year. I turned my life around, met my wife who got >pregnant and I prepared to return to school after 6 years. I >did, and I finished, with much better grades. But I continued >to drink & smoke weed, and I still do to this day. > >Part of me knows that I shouldn't. But part of me resents >that I can't get certain jobs because of how society views my >habits (while popular culture continues to celebrate them). I >know that on many levels I fail my children with my use, but >on other levels I am a more loving, supportive & caring father >than most & that LOVE is more important than money when it >comes to raising children. Plenty of rich people with no >substance addictions are terrible people and parents. But >their money shields them. That's not an excuse, it's reality. > Addiction is a much stronger barrier to those of us towards >the bottom of the pyramid than it is for those towards the >top. > >So that separates me from Josh, but what I understand deeply >is the struggle and inability to stop doing something you know >you should stop even as it affects my ability to earn what >society deems God: money. I can't even begin to explain to >you how it feels, but I can say that, despite my struggles & >inabilties, I AM a good person. I AM a smart person. I AM a >loving and good father, husband, son and brother. I have >value as a person and my inabilities are not permission for >any of you or anyone else in the world to judge me, to hold me >in contempt, or to speak on my value as a human being. > >I am often ashamed, but I refuse to despise myself in a >society like this that places value on what it places value >on. I refuse to let the success of others erode my self >esteem. I refuse to let the judgment of others beat me down. >What you or anyone else thinks is irrelevant if you have not >walked in my shoes or lived in my mind, felt with my heart or >heard with my soul. I refuse to see my life as less valuable >because of my bad habits & the hypocrisy of a society built on >death, destruction and substance abuse, a society that wages a >hypocritical war on "drugs" while leaving those of us with >certain dispositions and behaviors behind because they do not >serve the interests of others. In a society whose financial >bloodstream is fed by cocaine addled millionaires, whose >social life is driven by alcohol soaked gatherings and whose >ultimate demise will come from the most dangerous addiction of >them all, power, I refuse to allow you to call me stupid, to >call me a bad parent or a person or to stand in judgment of my >choices. > >And hopefully this refusal will eventually help me set aside >or mitigate my habits & do better. But even if I die a >drunken mess, I lived and I had value.
----------------------------
O_E: "Acts like an asshole and posts with imperial disdain"
"I ORBITs the solar system, listenin..."
(C)Keith Murray, "
|