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Lobby Freestyle Board topic #59901

Subject: "up for critique" Previous topic | Next topic
Member since Aug 29th 2006
1 posts
Tue Aug-29-06 02:15 AM

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"up for critique"


sup all. im an "aspiring poet" - as some have dubbed
me - and my friend recommended this site as a place to share
my work and get feedback from the real world - not
"critics". so i was hoping yall would tell me what
you think, for real, the opinions of real people are obviously
much more relevant to me than the opinions of stuck up

anyway. these are two poems that i wrote at (obviously)
different states of mind.

(still don't have a title for this one, suggestions?)

My miscreant platitudes represent an obdurate language:
question the pithy miasma of our vapid society
lapsing into the torpid repose you will soon understand
how to expatiate from this banal vicissitude?


Drunk from her sex
the original firey angel
but our passion is not always latex
her character is the solution to my endeavour
i fully sense dazzling harmony
              nude grace
              young color
                        mount me.
she's a soft shard of glorious glass
      a woman painted
                sculpted with smoke water and music
but the rigid stroke of death
turns her black and white
life dry
masterpiece now above, but never smeared.


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up for critique [View all] , Ubiquit, Tue Aug-29-06 02:15 AM
Subject Author Message Date ID
RE: up for critique
Aug 29th 2006

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