i like it. kinda curious trying to figure out exactly what you mean by it all. First time i read it i thought 'just another person trying to be poetic', but second time it got through to me. Really powerful and succinct.

what do you feel you're trying to say or imply with the bit about 'smelling remains of your savior' and the 'lines that we blow'?
Religion and drugs? or otherwise...

nice work. i like the layout too

ちょうしはどう？