it's a lot to deal with just on a human level. i know there is an added layer of complexity to it in your case because you're black. i can only sympathize with that element of it

i do feel like with time and practice you can learn to quell the panicky voice in your head and enjoy the marijuana experience. i stated in a below reply that exercise helped me a lot. elaborating on that a bit, i have found that there is what i call the "violin moment" (think music scores designed to ratchet up tension) where there is a clear inflection point where the high goes from "building up to something" to "way too much." after that point you're in a state of regret and anxiety at minimum. everything is more intense than you want it to be. i liken it to having the color setting on the monitor or TV dialed up 20% more than where it needs to be. its just too much and it makes me uncomfortable and i wish i could turn it back down but i can't for at least 90 minutes

however i found that this moment happened far less often after a good long cardio session. i actually ran experiments on myself: i would smoke immediately after clocking out (i have a high stress job) and without fail i would hit that point of no return and end up in a panic attack. when i smoked *after* i had a long cardio session that point would rarely occur, and if it did occur it would tip over in a good direction; relief rather than panic. i think being in the correct frame of mind where you can accept the high is important too. if you're overly anxious then using marijuana can exacerbate the situation and that's counter-productive, frustrating, and discouraging

it's entirely possible that none of my unsolicited advice will work for you or that you had one too many bad experiences and have determined that it's not worth pursuing. i do think that weed can be a very helpful tool in managing anxiety and depression if used in concert with several other practices