You ever feel like you wish you could just turn off parts of your brain?

Side A:

I have been going to a lot of therapy over the years to work on the after effects of a very shitty childhood. I've seen some things and where I am in life is a bit of a miracle. I'm a late bloomer because of my early experiences, the more small wins or successes in life I have, the more I want out of life.


Side B:

I attempted to wind up a start up two years ago. For a variety of reasons it just did not work. Great idea, not so great execution. Most startups fail, that just comes with the the territory, but this was the first time an abstract idea came very close to becoming reality.

Now I'm working on a few ideas that are looking promising but I'm hitting a few internal/personal walls but I'm pushing forward.

Recently in therapy we explored my personal history of interest in business and I realized that I have a long history of an interest in building business all the way back to highschool but I did not have the personal resources or wherewithal at hand to make that a possible path. Essentially, I did not think it was possible because it was not seen as a possible path in life.


In thinking about my history I'm remembering all the false starts, half ideas, ideas, chances, failures I've had.

I feel as if I have some obsessive drive towards business building. I don't read fiction in my free time, I read or listen to business building, strategy, management books. I don't just casually surf the web, I'm spending time reading up on entrepreneurs, marketing, etc.

Right now I am starting to resent this because it feels like a fruitless pursuit, that I'm really not building anything but I'm instead just wasting my time dreaming.

I can't stop thinking about the path of entrepreneurship and I am starting to feel crazy because its something I cannot stop focusing on. I also have a form of cognitive dissonance in that I don't think I am good enough but I also can't stop preparing myself for something that might never happen.


LIFE. WHAT THE FUCK.

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https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me