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Subject: "Perspective Needed: A Dilemma" Previous topic | Next topic
Damali
Member since Sep 12th 2002
34745 posts
Wed Jan-25-17 02:11 PM

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"Perspective Needed: A Dilemma"
Wed Jan-25-17 02:37 PM by Damali

          

My sister in law and her 17 year old daughter have been staying with me since Saturday because the daughter has auditions at a couple NYC colleges

From pretty much the first day, i'm witness to a highly disturbing and painful dynamic between the two of them: She is controlling, critical, mean and downright verbally and emotionally abusive to her daughter. She criticizes her constantly, discounts any opinion she has, calls her disrespectful, yells at her for the smallest infraction...absolutely nothing the daughter does is right and she openly complains about and criticizes the daughter to other people, in front of the daughter, which i'm sure is humiliating.

this girl is a superstar..damn near a straight A student, music prodigy, operatic soprano, well liked, humble, funny, beautiful, bubbly, kind, compassionate...but around her mother, she literally shrinks...you can see her trying to be as small and invisible as possible to not incur her mother's verbal wrath...she never speaks at all unless her mom asks her something...then her voice is small and quiet, which she then gets screamed at for not speaking up.

it's heartbreaking to watch and live around (especially since her brother, my ex husband, treated me the same way...)...i feel like I'M on eggshells cuz i keep trying to find clever ways to deflect and be a buffer...when we took the daughter out to the theater, i sat between them so she could enjoy the show...when she left her purse in the back of the Uber, i grabbed it and quickly handed it her while her mom was on the phone, whispering that she'd left it behind, knowing she'd be berated loudly if her mom knew she'd done that.

it's only Wednesday and i'm exhausted..they are with me until Sunday and I really want to find some way to talk to her mom about this...when i joked around once and mentioned it to her, she says its for the daughter's own good...that the world out there is harsh and she's just helping prepare her for that.."people aren't going to be nice" etc etc


that's an excuse. she doesn't realize the damage she is doing. I really want to find some way of talking with her about it but i'm worried that that will be the end of our still kinda new friendship...but at the same time, i'm 100% positive that no one else in her life would bring it to her attention...

I did have a brief convo with the daughter when her mom went to the store..i told her that i see and hear what's going on and that it must be hard for her...she immediately began to cry and nod..i talked with her a little about not internalizing the things her mom says..to avoid negative self talk and to be kind to herself..that her mom thinks she is helping her and making her stronger...i hugged her and told her I'm here for her and that I'd try to talk to her mom about it, if i can...


i mean there's a non-confrontational way to say anything, right? *nervous laughter*

d

  

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Perspective Needed: A Dilemma [View all] , Damali, Wed Jan-25-17 02:11 PM
 
Subject Author Message Date ID
Your new sister in law, meaning your husband's sister?
Jan 25th 2017
1
yes, but she and him don't speak.
Jan 25th 2017
2
      lol oh. my bad
Jan 25th 2017
4
Great intentions. No way to execute it flawlessly without...
Jan 25th 2017
3
yeah, this.
Jan 25th 2017
5
She 17, damage is done, just be a good Auntie and K.I.M.
Jan 25th 2017
6
The Fuck you gon tell me how to interact with *MY* gotdamn child?
Jan 25th 2017
7
yeah she's Bronx so she would say some shit like that LOL
Jan 25th 2017
17
      RE: yeah she's Bronx <---WELP
Jan 25th 2017
29
It sounds like she is almost already free.
Jan 25th 2017
8
^^
Jan 25th 2017
10
I think there's at least a few in every high school
Jan 25th 2017
22
Id probably talk to the niece before the moms
Jan 25th 2017
9
yeah i did
Jan 25th 2017
13
That's tough
Jan 25th 2017
11
She's on her way out now...not much you can do at this point...
Jan 25th 2017
12
you guys are right. I'll focus on being there for the daughter
Jan 25th 2017
14
yeah I dont see a resolution here
Jan 25th 2017
15
That's tough and I can relate.
Jan 25th 2017
16
tell the mother about herself on Sunday
Jan 25th 2017
18
i thought about that too, but they are driving alone back to South Carol...
Jan 25th 2017
19
      shit, that would be awful
Jan 25th 2017
27
Sounds like the mom failed at her dream, and now she's bitter and angry....
Jan 25th 2017
20
you can't be afraid...
Jan 25th 2017
21
take the fam to see fences...
Jan 25th 2017
23
oh snap...excellent idea
Jan 25th 2017
25
      Winner
Jan 27th 2017
30
damn, not an easy situation
Jan 25th 2017
24
You do have some say..
Jan 25th 2017
26
hot take: you hit your mark
Jan 25th 2017
28

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