Because with each "adoptive" family, you just inherit more people to eventually lose.

I've shared bits and pieces of my childhood over the years. I've shared certain aspects of my family life and written about how I cut most of my blood relatives out of my life for good and explained the reasons for that.

One of those reasons was that my true family consists of those who have chosen me over the years while my "family" couldn't be bothered. The breaking point came at my wedding, when I made the mistake of choosing my blood relatives over many of the non-related family that has grafted me into their own families through the years. Blood no-showed, water wanted to be their, expressed their disappointment in not getting the invite, understood, and continued to love me as before. Eye opening stuff.

In the course of my transient existence, I was brought home by many a friend and gained many a new mother, grandmother, cousins, nieces, nephews, and a rare father figure or two. One of these, perhaps the most significant, passed on in 2005.

One of the few father figures in my life suffered a heart attack a few months ago and that hit me like a Mack truck. He's fine for the time being, but I'm worried. I wish I could say the same for Grandma Lynn. She is the latest member of her family to move on. In the last decade we've buried her mother, father, husband. Five years ago we buried her son in law. Three years ago we buried her granddaughter, who was my 'teenage love drama' for the ages. Earlier this year we buried her daughter.

Her health has been in decline for some time, but it reached a point of normalcy where each new hospitalization became met with less and less urgency. This time was no such case, unfortunately, and she is now on life support. She has a '7 day life support' something or other, I have no idea if this is an insurance thing or something she decided on, but she'll be taken off on Monday.

One thing that struck me in this process was that I was consulted by her granddaughter on a serious medical decision this past weekend and was told that they were not going to move forward until I gave my input. In fact, they've kept me in the loop far more than I expected. It's a blessing to have such closeness I suppose but I wanted to fucking RUN from that conversation. I hated the weight I felt. There's a comfort in having a certain distance from people and the one ray of light in all the death that has plagued this family has been that everyone just up and died. Her husband and daughter went in their sleep. My ex was hit by a truck and died instantly. But Lynn? We get to watch her waste away these last few years. I really wish I would have invited her to my wedding instead of my "blood", because she desperately wanted to go. At least I know I'll never make a mistake like that again.

-Sig-

“Why didn’t you do this in your own god damn country?"

-All Stah's view on undocumented immigrants wanting to be treated like human beings.