It was kinda insane.

Like, I'm not sure how they got black people to act in the film. It was that offensive.

For this reason, I'm wholeheartedly prepared to utterly spoil it for you in case you had a morbid curiosity. This is how wikipedia saved me from ever watching A Serbian Film and I'm eternally grateful. So here goes.

(According to the opening credits, it's based on true events)

Kevin Costner is a lawyer whose wife has suddenly died. His biracial granddaughter is now his sole responsibility (her mom is dead too. Dad isn't around, more on this later). He responds to the loss by getting soused constantly. Unapologetically. Daily. In front of his granddaughter who begs him not to. He makes no attempt to drive. People in his circle are willing to chauffeur him around mid cognac, all Dudley Moore.

The granddaughter's paternal grandmother wants to share custody in an attempt to "broaden the child's cultural understanding of her history". But granma is a hustler. She has 6 homebased businesses. Strangely, state childcare checks are never once mentioned. But you would almost certainly infer in the offing that this is one of her goals. Her workload subsidizes living for her daughter and daughter in law, uncle, niblings and whoever else happens to be in one of her 3 homes at any moment.

Costner takes a leave from work to learn to tame biracial hair, basic subtraction (for which he found his granddaughter a tutor who I swear was 50 Cent in an alternate timeline where he never lifted a weight) and generally drink himself to death like Nic Cage. Granma files papers for the child and two law firms start chewin stereotypes in the most mustache twirly ways.

Sometime in there, the child's absentee "crackhead" dad shows up. Beggin Costner for money. He don't want a thing to do with the child, but their uncle/family lawyer files a motion claiming he does want custody.

--Cut to the next important thing--

One night, in the midst of trial proceedings, Crackie Dad comes over to accost Papa Wolves in his own backyard and liberate his daughter. The first time, drunken Cos shoos him off like a raccoon. And that's it. Then he comes back with a knife, which the baby boomer disarms and tosses into the pool. Crackie Robinson breaks a mug on his head and leaves him on the grass to kidnap his daughter.

Costner falls in the pool and tangles in the plastic cover. As he is drowning, his dead wife frees him of his bonds. On dry land, it turns out he was saved by ol Tyrone Biggum himself. Finally civilized in the light of Costner's self sacrifice, he walks into court a new man and drops the custody suit. Costner presses no attempted murder charge. Grandma backs off. Everybody's happy.

Except me.

Cause I paid to get in. Why, ma?

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.