to be clear hoping not hope. I still hope for the best path to get us to the other side and know there will be another side of this. But I had to give up hoping in the interim.

The type of person I am I plan for eventualities in my head. Like constantly I'm assessing what is happening at any moment and evaluating the possibilities that can spring from that point, so that by the time I get to an hour from now I'm in a sense prepared for most eventualities. It's a bit neurotic sure, but this isn't about that.

Right after rushing my son to the hospital while he's bleeding profusely and watching the most painful thing I've ever had to witness done to my child, my spirit was broke. In my processing of what was going on for about a month at that point I was full of optimism, like the next test is going to reveal that xyz is working or abc is going back into remission. This was partly fueled by doctor enthusiasm as they were 'certain' they had a diagnosis at that point and so said treatments were going to help. They of course ended up having to diagnose three or four more times and nothing was exactly as they supposed.

So I stopped hoping. I started accepting that within this there is no tomorrow, or next week or net year. There's just right here and right now and *knowing* what can be done in this moment to keep a smile on his face.

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Big PEMFin H & z's
"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." © Miles

"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."