thank you sincerely, boodaah. but I'm still thirsty.

one of the paradoxes that I had trouble getting my head around, you're all christians as a group, but christianity is many things to many people. like, everybody has their own religion (not just version) even within religion because it can't exist independently of you - like trying to explain sound without hearing. and what I learn from you, isn't quite what I learned at school, which is different to how my mother explained it.

but that means you all are right..it's the individuals that need to be addressed because (much as many a religious leader might believe) belief can't be a dictated and (much as any believer may protest) everyone has their own reasons for claiming what they claim, and seek their own gains from it that are often in direct disagreement with the doctrine itself. many people I know back home are motivated by disappointment/displeasure/discontentment/disgust with their lives - despair's what certain religions gained rise from, hope is what they thrive on. which is fair. so what of paul? what was his dissatisfaction and how did it shape his version that now demarcates so many lives?

I just don't know if there's such a surplus/deficiency of fibre and decency in the world that we're directing it away from us, out into 'God'. almost like there's a self-satisfied inconsistency at the heart of the whole thing that we'd presume we're so special amongst all things, that we're being watched/cared for because we've that need, a need that allows us to deflect strengths and shortcomings alike outside ourselves. I meant earlier that the naïve view a lot of people took towards life/nature's passed now.

which isn't to say we're any more sophisticated but can it be as simple as the feeling/illusion of being blessed making it so..I'm ready to accept the wisdom of my forefathers but I'd have serious questions for them if they said to my face that the supreme being birthed a half-human son whom, as an adult, suggested the best way to live is pray for regular interventions, await/fear death and prepare for it by consuming His 'blood' and 'body'. sport/support a symbol/signifier that I can't relate to in any meaningful way in today's world. and those that choose not to participate are little more than sacrifices for you all that have chosen to.

because belief can make the world positive/peaceful where it wasn't, but it can also make it ugly/unpleasant where it isn't really. I feel like few deserve the sort of punishment that's been promised them. and what does a child need with such early indoctrinations? either way it's like we're pigs in a pen, actors on a stage, buffeted by things outside our control - satan precedes us only for Christ to retrieve us..who's been wronged and what's our part in our own affairs?

that's partly what I have trouble accepting, like my religion HAS to come from myself in the sense of what's present is the closest thing I have to reins on my life..because what's to study really if everyone has their own version/basis thus belief even within the subsections? I'm within it in a factual way, five senses that can be fooled but will remain honest with me. whether the moon exists or not isn't as personal a burden, doesn't tie in to enough things that I would offer time to resolving it for myself. I feel if I were a devout christian I'd have to dedicate my life to staying absolutely true to my beliefs because it makes no sense at all not to.

but I feel like life isn't about right or wrong in such terms that are necessarily impossible to live up to..like false advertising that’s blatantly unrealistic. crimes comitted against and absolved by the same being. yes, that's how my mother lived and what landed me a name like 'alan', why I speak/write the way I do now even - but I know it's not how my ancestors lived, prior to the missionaries, prior to paul.

dunno if their way worked or not either but it's for lack of acess to that tradition that I find my own way.. I mean, imagine if we ALL were christians, what then - I mean, how many of the sheep-shunning thinkers among you still would be? nature's way..I don't know, just not so many absolutes and opposites. We must smooth out our rough edges and wicked impulses - but they're what we have and we all know this otherwise, like I say, we'd stay on the right path at all times, salvation is in serious jeopardy otherwise. but it isn't really, not if you're aware and hit the back button in time each time. like many pride themselves for that natural high, but is it any different to my high - intoxication of sorts, one that can be easily overindulged to fundamental extremes.

so whether life's viewed as blessed load or irredeemable gift is christianity really a support? or a saddle.. or yoke even, standing in a different line for a slice of the same pie. we that are present now can't and won't ever know. I think I'm just reaching for immediacy here, that wild animal mentality I mentioned in janey's 'what are we?' post. I've got most respect for life, it's sanctified in my eyes, and I try to behave accordingly.

but, ironically, I have trouble according death the same weight. and maybe it makes sense to..but I'm learning each day and you're right - most things do fall apart. but you know, boodaah, go ahead with that because if you are wrong, you've lost nothing and have reaped the benefits throughout your life. either way, when you do find out 'the truth' the worst'll be over. if I'm wrong then it's only just begun.

damn, excuse the endlessesness - I've been doing it on-off in bits and they have a habit of building.
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seize your time! - marley/wailers

in the raw on the ocean floor, need I say more? - shock g/digital underground