for me to recognize this as a gift from my father. I was very angry with him for a long time. It wasn't until I began to let go of some of that anger, that I began to realize how he had influenced me. Another thing that really help me understand the space my father is in, was a recent conversation I had with my father regarding my mom. (like I said eariler, my mom died when I was 5 months old) Image that you're 20 years old, the woman you love dearly (and is the mother of your first born) is murdered. Her mother lashes out at you (misplaced angry is a mutha) refuses to allow you to come to the funeral. (You have to sneak to the grave site after the casket is in the ground to pay your respects). Then the only piece you have left of this woman you loved is your baby, and then she is taken away from you. My daddy never got over that. You know what he told me? My sisters' mom was a rebound relationship...He hasn't been with a woman since then. He said he never found the connection he had with my mom with another woman. So, he prefers to be alone. My mother has been dead for 31 years. My father has been alone for about 26 years. He has held on to his pain for 31 years, he's been in love with a ghost for 31 years. His pain, affected his ability to be there for me, for my sister and her mom. I believe it is very hard for him to be around me, I look like my mom (my grandmother says she sees my mother everytime I smile). I don't excuse his behavior, but now that I understand the space he's in ...sometimes I can't help but cry for my father.