Turk wanted me to re-post it so it'd be archived. Since I couldn't remember what I typed verbatim in the first one, I decided to revise it w/ a few new additions pertaining to things we've seen around here recently. So here goes nothing.

1) The nobody in particular rule. Anybody who isn't a fan of their hometown team cannot be trusted. There are special exceptions to this rule (Blackhawks), but you can generally assume any lifelong resident of Northern Illinois running around in Packer paraphenalia is simply a despicable human being.

2) The Cyrese rule. There is no such thing as a "second favorite team" in any league. No exceptions.

3) The Penis Envy rule. This applies to fans in two-team towns and teams with extremely hated rivals. When the team on the other side of town famously chokes and you yourself turn a landslide divisional race into a photo finish two years later, you are NOT allowed to live in denial no matter how much you'd wish to do so. It also isn't a good look to poke fun at a team's alleged "curse" when you've thrown a World Series and kick-started your own 80+ year title drought. This rule also applies to divisional rivals who break their franchise-existance long playoff drought a year AFTER the Cubs do, choke off their OWN NLCS the next round (w/ a future HOFer and Cy Young winner on the mound in game seven, no less), proclaim they're no longer going to post after moving to China and foolishly post a long list of players better than Michael Jordan which includes half of the '95 Rockets' bench. In short, wipe your own ass before you start telling others how bad they stink.

4) The Bitchlahab rule. Either don't be a stranger when things are goin' bad or don't sign in stranger when things have suddenly taken a turn for the better. There's nothing even partially respectable about being a fair-weather fan. And if you're going to proclaim a retirement after moving to Asia, at least try to make it last a week.

5) The Coolidge rule. When a team moves out of your time zone, they just fucked you w/o kissing you. Move on. This is also one of only two exemptions allowing one to change teams at any time (the other being the afore referenced Blackhawk exemption: when your team is actively TRYING not to win, you aren't just allowed to abandon them...you should be required by law to do so).

6) The Bryan Shelly rule. The only time you're allowed NOT to pull for your alma matter is if you're an Ivy League grad or alumni of a D1-AA, II or III school. It doesn't matter if you've been an LSU fan your whole life. The moment you commit to Tennessee, you're a Vol fan for life (unless you transfer to LSU).

7) The East Coast bias rule. When you've won 25 World Championships and your chief rival who hasn't won one since 1918 stages an unprecedented rally from an 0-3 deficit to beat you in the ALCS, you do NOT expect even the slightest shred of sympathy from anyone. So do not ask for it.


Others to come later.