i don't need the cure for cancer.
i don't need another cover version of "tiny dancer".
for i have completed construction on something i've always wanted to own:
a really big kick-ass robot.

i have named my robot dimitri
just because i can
i built him after all
and i wanted to name him d'angelo
but i feared the lawsuit.
so dimitri it is, and i'm damn proud of him.
he's giant. and he's awesome. and he's kick-ass. and he's really big.

he's big as your house.
and he has perfect hair
made of red, blue, and green wires swept back in a rockabilly pompadour
he's got dolby digital surround
he's faster than dsl
he dominates the iron giant and optimus prime on the half-court
and if given a very large open space
he's really good at doing the robot.
duh.

some people say i built him because i was in crisis
and men in crisis
often compensate by buying big metal things.
i'm sure i don't know what any of that means
i just wanted to have a really big ol' giant awesome kick-ass robot.

i think he has a crush on the statue of liberty
i try to tell him he's in love with the idea of her
and that it'd never work
but go figure
he's a dreamer like me.

his left hand is the standard interchangeable fist slash laser gun
and i have made his right hand into a large metal catcher's mitt
so he can carry me around.
and yes
there have been nights when he has carried me in his right hand
we have parked ourselves next to your apartment
and i have called you
on dimitri's mega-modular two-way built-in celly
and yes
while we were talking
i have seen your silhouette in the window
your left hand holding a standard margarita
your right hand on the phone
as you danced around the room
it is, i believe, the reason the word transcendent was invented.

but then i felt a little creepy and kind of intrusive
and besides
you can't be very stealthy with a big ol' giant awesome really kick-ass robot standing in the middle of the street
so then dimitri and i went and demolished some abandoned buildings
caught some bank robbers
and prevented a few forest fires
and i felt tons better.

but beyond that
i have realized that for all of the amazing things that he can accomplish
a big ol' giant awesome really fucking kick-ass robot can only do so much for me.
dimitri may be able to send gamara back to giant turtle island
he can fly me over rush hour traffic with his jet-boots
and he plays a really mean game of tetris
but he'll never be able to push you into my arms, love.
i mean, if he did, you'd probably be crushed
and that's counter-productive.
and kind of gross.

no
some things i gotta do on my own.
so i know it's really easy to hide behind a big ol' giant super-size awesome really fuckin' kick-ass robot
and sometimes i admit i do
because, well, think about it
i mean, i'm only 5' 8" and he plays ping pong with king kong
but he can't sing songs loudly in the car with abandon
he has no stories about his crazy-ass youth
he won't even try my cooking
and i think he only says he likes john hughes films to appease me.

so i come to you today
feeling very very human
with a tasteful bouquet of flowers in my left hand
and a monkey wrench in my right

because it's hard to take care of a big ol' giant super-size stereophonic mega-awesome really fuckin' kick-ass robot by yourself
and you've always struck me as a robot lover
and there's room enough in the big metal catcher's mitt for two
we can fly over to mount rushmore and have a picnic on teddy roosevelt's head
while dimitri cues up the stevie wonder on his 100-disc-changer stomach.

because when you step into my world
androids can cry
mad scientists have blown up the white house at least a dozen times
superheroes have fended off the invasion from neptune
and this
this is just crazy enough to make me think it could really work.
just you, dimitri the big ol' giant super-size stereophonic sittin' on chrome mega-awesome really fuckin' kick-ass robot
and little old me.

and all of this
all the nuts and bolts of it all
however extraordinary
should never be hard to believe.

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"You Sensitive Bastard", Rob Sturma's latest book of poems, is available directly from the author. It's a pretty book with a real ISBN number and everything.

www.myspace.com/robsturma