so u said you want critique right? wow this is good just follow the parentheses. but uh, your similies and imagery are brilliant.


>in hot satin sheets of sweat
>& silk
(cliche but got damn! everything before this had me going)


>the first time i sang out for him

(okay this transition is akward. it doesn't flow really. i'd say get rid of it and start a new stanza. but once again... everything before this.... on muthahumping point!)

>a caged bird

>we were destined to spend
>our Sunday moanings
(good play on words)

>together
>we'll wake the earliest birds
>of every fantasy we've ever murdered
>& for the resurrection
>i'll dress him in the brightest brown
>that our spirits
>can conjure.

this last stanza closed it out perfectly. this piece was fierce. damn!



>
>
>
> )


back to basics

many think my patience's
complacence
others
too quick to turn their backs
& just jump ship
don't understand
a rushed plan
won't bear fruit
busy choking others
with thier truth
no time to search their yards
for weeds to uproot
won't focus on their souls
or get grown
chasing that (infamous) dream
are they too far gone?

need to stop looking in the world
for that quick fix
time to face yourself
strip naked
and get back to basics

...she had a body like a cello with legs
i mean the ass was absurd
long neck
smooth skin
pretty face
cookie nipples
eyes wide as her hips
full lips between dimples