“Experimental Cipher”

This piece was experimental, I sent three stanza's to some of my fam’, and got them to free write off it, without seeing each other’s reactions or anything, without knowledge of anyone else's participation. My friends were separately asked to react to these three stanzas, together there reactions made for a tight cipher, all the verses after brackets are the reactions:

WILDOUT:

why they
dying for a living
instead of loving how their living
‘cause they can wake up and see each other and go teach the
children

why they
believe they can fly when they happy
believe they can’t move when they sad
instead of looking at all the real opportunities they've had

naw bruh..
why they, live in the past
making assumptions on the future
I’d rather live in the present and not fuck wit all this
resentment

(PG)
Lost are they
Tangled in their sad dreams
Blind to the colours of life's reflected light
Black and white wandering in delusion towards their conclusion
Doomed are they
Oblivious to purpose
Cursed to suffer the agony on their fears
To live a hell on earth conjuring enormous torrents of tears
See bruh
How they hate how they seal all fate
Killing visionaries prophets and seers
Desperately Building fences and walls to stop the inevitable as enlightenment nears.
Bringing death with it.

(asiem)
tellin' lies inside bitter
memories keepin' pace
wit unnecessary hostilities
training themselves
for another letdown
all because the love they had
wouldn't love ‘em back
the dream of another was lost
in the gutter of broken promises
and hearts turned back
from the light that was seen
in darker moments where they
once believed

(Sunday)
Always seeking on the outside
for treasures they can find within
Don't they know vanity is the only democracy
when you worship the god of hypocrisy?
(Blak Yukon)
funny, I try to scribe lines like these
but I’m just like the dude I’m tryna scribe to
yo,the mood I’m in is...
can a nigga live?
can a nigga move past his past and breathe
stead'holdin his breath
thinkin'however it’s gon'be gon'be?
knock back 3 after two steps
but out of the blue
a sign appears to tell a nigga to hold on
guess I’ll wake up to another day and prolong
it's funny
be the low subtle
that'll keep you out on a hustle
no matter the level of your own hate f'self
so yeah,guess this for you and you
cause I’m just like you,shit
dont stress none of this and down a brew

(Anita j.)
why do lost kings and queens fly in skies
of melancholy blues/rockin' through tempest storms
blazin' trails leavin' ashes of fallen tears and scars upon they soulz
I'm prone to grow old with the wisdom of perception's panoramic views, while others choose to see in tunnelized visions, never seein' the incisions from their own self made division
(wildout)
sometimes I’m infuriated at the past
sometimes I ask
and pray to murals imprinted in glass
as I walk past, churches, sanctuaries, mosques, the trees and grass
in pain, staring at things I can’t explain
bitterly I claim that everything mysterious is obviously mundane
all the same, my mind rethinks just how we behave
for once let’s walk on a path we made, not just our ancestor's graves.

*

“My battle call”

arise
spinning bottles to deal out licks!!
rather then kisses
I emit shine
only to those who take the time to listen
my flow was deemed pathological
always knew something was itching to get out of my mind
even those days when I wish it wasn’t part of me
chronologically my muse has always been there inside of me
since the moment the cellular walls duplicated and this sun raised
I guess it sat silently, until I realized
I couldn't waste time
to divide
the sea and conquer mc's
when they have no skills
and the alarm rings, in my cipher when I’m approached by these hookt on phonix g'z
us leaves us wondering with their word play how they manage to read
therefore I split atoms to shatter trees
slash Adam’s apples to give myself silence and some peace
of mind
my ambition for conquest causing
me to drive
wooden stakes through the heart of
families
who see my breath haze their car windows when I stand in the cold winter breeze
filling holes that never were
but now stand realized
the debris displayed
in wide screen and omni colour
recognize

see obviously this must be new to you
my battle call
screaming out, I’m coming through !!
you snowed in sitting in the safety of the fort
when you hear my battle call, I’m out hunting for more
without one cuss word, y’all still can’t hope to retort
yell my battle call
they name gods after men who never showed remorse
and they get the corrupted men to work the power force

I am the blood that stains the eyes
without becoming the same old sexist pimp, saying recognize,
that I bang, on their whip, without bustin' off clips
leaving them, with their whole clique,
huddled in their cars, shivering, speaking all that talk, of how they would’ve sent me to the stars
if this had been that, or that and been this but
really though
all the disses and physicality’s boar me out
I was born to commit tragedies unto the minds of those who sought me out
ERAAAAGH
feel the battle call
I curse y’all with the verse on a whole, rather then the words y’all,
all the cussing you did left room for the god to collapse your walls
well your face was red
I treated ya to my rhymes then
beated ya
down with the ugly stick
until even Jenny Craig couldn’t reach ya
I stand tall emitting lies to you
so true-sounding you’d think they had some ancient based founding’s
you call me the preacher
but yet again
I’m just another man
wearing sneakers
waiting for the world to erupt
or my mind to collapse
with my muse straight fucked
tricking
but tricks are for kids
acting rude, I show up at your mamas house where your eating breakfast
and beat you down with your cereal spoon
see obviously this must be new to you

my battle call
you snowed in sitting in the safety of the fort
when you hear my battle call
without one cuss word, y'all still can’t hope to retort
yell my battle call
they name gods after men who never showed remorse
and so my battle call is the reason I work
retort never
feel clever
but never that
clever cats
cant see where the ether at
god gave it to his people
I guess
my style similar to asthma attacks, leaving cats like hypochondriacs
starving but what’s bothering is the fact you stopped breathing
when I’m leaving my word play
snaps vertebrae’s back into place
leaving nothing but the taste of fresh blood up in your face
after slinging the rusty chains and holding down for the pain
I scream my battle call and STILL I maintain..
maintain, still I maintain
my pain, withdraws from the next dimensions mainframe

*

“Where’s the love” feat. Anita J.
Jul-05-02 AT 02:09 PM (EST)

-----Searching....
Freedom rings, silently
only heard by animals who live tranquilly
unlike the men and women blinding themselves staring at the sunlight
holding candles up at night, claiming fame as the brightest
playing games with the verse-a-tality that they never could really grasp
locked in cages, numerous lives are huddled in, then gassed,
for 1ne person to surpass, they must de-class another
if it means I have to spit on a brother, a friend, a sister, a lover, and put an end to where my story begins...
I SAY FUCK BEING ONTOP
if the bottom are all reaching hands
when we can connect and form a u'n'i tie with foreign lands
man.. but we get so cocky, stop me where I’m wrong
the world is filled with so many clit heads and dick heads
how can we get along?
when it's my song VS. your song
I’d rather share songs up by a camp fire
but I’m sitting on fire on this hot cement food fryer
where’s the love?
-----Search complete.... no matches found..
Is it in the eyes of lust or greed
We'll fuck over our own seeds
And bonds of trust just so that we can
Grasp, taste, hold, hoard
That surplus of greenbacks
Illusionary, freedom-filled, tree-killing, jail-cell stacks
Minds trapped
Crucial be our plight, when currents are washing out our senses
Increasingly everyday
And more and more lose sight of what they wanted in the first place
Quests for financial gain becomes an obsessive compulsive behaviour
Forgetting that the original purpose was to find happiness,
Distance to achieve that becomes greater
I want to leave the world sometimes or just find a means to fly away
Travel to where shit ain't so complex, to a less complicated place
And all I got are my own dreams
My love, my art and God to keep me maintainin'
But yo, I’m steadily askin' myself in the midst of it all
How many others feel my words without feigning...
--The truth
Or projecting any type of patronization
I can't lose my hope in tomorrow, or the spirit of anyone
Reflekkting inward, I’m trying to stay centred 'stead of breakin' out on the run
Cuz I swear my soul cries for departure at nite sometimes
But fear's the bitch that's tainted my breath
So I resist the urge to just die
Ayo, we afford the hostility
more specifically we shut down the abilities
to teach our children,
we shut ‘em down, instead of building, them up
and when they hungry for learning we say shut the fuck up
Where's the love?
Crammed inside of cortex’s blitzed with mental freeze
Long as part of the percent enjoys the coolness
The rest can burn in infernal degrees,
At least it seems, too extreme,
Maybe I ought to just let ignorance's bliss ride above
Stead of always wondering, where in this world is the love...?
Where in the world is the love?
Where in the world is the love...
sitting at my desk, staring out the window at the sun
I’m just a student passing notes, learning in hope
to find my destiny and not to use the word love in vain
it's so lonely growing up,
until we die we're still recovering from growing pains...
where's the love?
-----New Search....?

*

"double dosage"

yo I’m susceptible to bringing the wreckable their domination/in dominions off the sea shore, /chillin' with cats that most be hating/frankly. it isn’t a question of who the fuck thinks what anymore/it’s more a question of who to trust when your life is left in dust/from haters,/and kid who thinks he's a player alike/when I live/ cats act like they want a piece of my life/thinking that I’m dude from "blow"...hahahaha/NO. sorry, kid this isn’t a show.. I never was made for TV/ I’m not crazy.. even though my life was rough/ not focussed on a topic but their is none I dont touch/I don’t drugs/ I dont buss slugs/ I dont need "black" love/ or to feel like I’m a thug/amateur, I AM a thug/all I have is a pen, and a thought to write/ type of shit that makes walls collapse at midnight/I don’t need your sound scans/ I have better things to do then pop Cris tonight/I made my life on the low/to keep my two feet on the ground./staying two steps ahead of clowns/who got their heads in the clouds/their bound to shower down/so go ahead with it/I never hated on the game/ but this is some shit player, you come in shitting on my name/sitting on my claim/ acting real tough when your on A.I.M./ like you got my cheque, my girl and me maimed/behind my back that shit you spit, like you ain’t scared to do it to my face/ rolling.. ten men deep so I won't put the switch in your face!?/die free, dont you know you CAN be replaced/ can be erased/ I could watch the blood drain out your face/ but anyways, I keep flowing/my mind is as deep as oceans/vast as the planet/and twice as omnipotent/with venoms, and healing powers alike/ they both dissolve when I’m resolved to action/in my acidic rambunction/the theory of rebellious cause for satisfaction/that’s how it is.. I got enough beef for all y'all forget your rations, I spit rashly in the face of any cat whose asking/ WILDOUT.

*

“This woman”

You
this woman’s work
I see
I recognize, you
this woman’s work, struggle and pain
this woman’s work, struggled and maintained
you,
I recognize your face without opening my eyes
so many nights you spent, how could I forget, you
you are my spark of life, you are the warms I’ll embrace when I’m through
at heaven’s gates when I’m through, no ones face could replace the warmth I see in you

your
the only one
that I care about on the inside
your
the only one
that can see my insides
realizing that I’ve been trife
mama all this shit I write is to make this woman’s work worth the struggle
you, you held me in your arms, and so began the trouble

you
saw me cry and dried my eyes
you
saw my life spawned off from your insides
never did lie,
well.. Never could lie well enough to want to lie to my mother
I love you, love you for my sister and my brother,
you’re the glue that brought us together and through all weather never
seems like forever since I knew you,
but I’m still learning mama, my heart pours for you

your
the only one
that I care about on the inside
your
the only one
that can see my insides
realizing that I’ve been trife
mama all this shit I write is to make this woman’s work worth the struggle
you, you held me in your arms, and so began the trouble
you’re the one who holds my soul when it all falls to rubble

*

"life story"

I was born to a mother whose life I can’t get into
she was strong.. so many wouldn’t have made it through
but as my family do, I was born into the fam' with love and expectation..
even though I was a surprise,
I never felt like my mom was impatient because I was there
born a basta'd into the sunlight
but god forgives worse sins then that and he did give me life
so in my eyes, what my mom did was right
she held me tight
in our apartment
while daddy made a flight to foreign lands
he was a gay man, and my mom was a lesbian
but friendships turn deep when confiding into one's heart
my daddy had been a foster child after abuse and alcohol fucked up his family
he never made it to be the father that he planned to be
having me, he was scared that life would break him.. instead of making him..
trust is hard to give in such a harsh world..
anyways back to that strong girl,
my mother had been dealing with me properly..
but the check bounced so then we couldn’t pay the rent
and poverty forced us to bounce quick to a next place where we lived with friends
changed the phone number
was lucky enough to afford a phone, and of course I count my blessings that mommy could give me a home..
daddy couldn’t reach us from where he was so he felt broken down in the relationship, last time we heard from him he was pissed
saying how my mommy had stolen me like she didn’t want me to see him
I was two years of age
walking out the bedroom sayin' hey that’s my daddy
without an introduction..
I found myself running into the man that could’ve shaped who I am
but instead he left..
my mom went back wit her partner and my sister came, she was adopted..
like I said I was a surprise
and same sex couples only have very few options
she was already on the way when I came
and I love her with all my heart
but I understand the tension that tore us apart
always looked up to her, but we fought non stop
got kicked out of pre school for being aggressive
never really liked to fight considered everyone a blessings
I used to cry for hours screaming mom ‘cause she was the only one I trusted
my big sister left when my mom and her partner spitted
and we moved from place to place
never having any real friends.. constantly seeing a new face
and my mom brought another friend to take my daddy place
and with his nephews I got raped
then his family ditched us like a bad restaurant
memories that tend to haunt
and I tend not to flaunt
but anyways, back to the story
like I said my mommy had been through a lot before me,
I have a bigger brother who was put up for adoption ‘cause of the psychiatrist's suggestion when my mom was stressing
I’ve always had an inner hate towards the whole fucking system
and the only one I could communicate my frustrations with was my mother
I used to swear at her, and storm off into my room
we moved to Toronto, and my sister moved back in and it seemed her life had been ruff away too,
I used to spend my weekly allowance on both of them
trying to make them understand that their my closest friends
my moms partner from back then.. I call my aunt, she's the closest thing to a relative that I have near me..
in grade 3 used to get beat up on the daily, by some Portuguese kids ‘cause I wouldn’t play soccer, and only felt like I fitted in with Jamaicans and South Africans.. I felt the shame of going home with ripped clothes day after day.. but no adult would help I confided in so many I ended up feeling empty..
the one day in the park I decided to fight back, I got my ass kicked, with no experience I guess I should have expected it, but I only understood that there was no way for me to escape my daily life.. that’s the first time I remember wiling' out, I went home and grabbed a butcher knife.. I told my mom I was calmed down and ran back to kill the lil' brotha.. but my sister’s best friend and my brother stopped me.. fuck it.. I think this is enough of a lesson for number one..
of how I began to wil' out, this is the first confessions of many ones, peace.

*

“the light”

What up kid?
now that you older, your brother is doing a bid
and your mother, realizes she got a star kid no matter how she shows it
she knows it, I guess we should take a walk,
it’s time for us to talk about days long past, your fathers buried under springs grass
I know it’s hard for you to understand the man you never had a chance to know
Life is lived, everybody has there time, you better know that
Live every day like it was your last, take time to notice the transition between now and days past
your pops was a good man, he always helped his fam’
and although your mama didn’t know it
he always had a plan, he took care of lovemore and me in our dark hours
and because of that there, me and lovemore goin' protect you from the sun showers
it’s hard losing someone who would have loved you so much
I know, you and me can’t remember our fathers touch
I vow to you that I will show you it all, even angels fall…

this goes out to all those who lost someone
I know the pain comes when you lose someone you love
just keep your eyes above, and every morning a new sky comes up

you my little man, stay true to my closest fam'
I hope you understand that your father was human, and all of us have choices
and whether right or wrong, we make them to no avail
I know he left you without even hearing your voice
sometimes the leaves are moist before the rain
and the bark is frail after
what shall be shall be, no matter what we do or say
fate works in mysterious ways,
this goes out to all those who lost someone
I know the pain comes when you lose someone you love
just keep your eyes above, and every morning a new sky comes up
when I was younger I had some problems growing up
my daddy left my mother, there was no question of him showing up
and the man I might of loved, or might of hated
never waited, to see the complications of the situation
instead I felt left to hate, to fear, to double cross fate
and as I grew up that boiled inside, killing me
I used to cry, unwillingly, thinking I would die willingly and I’d probably be glad
if I could take it all back, no weight to bare on any shoulders
but as my thoughts grew bolder, little by little I got older
everyone gots to deal with regrets, but if you dealing with some shit
you got friends.
this goes out to all those who lost someone
I know the pain comes when you lose someone you love
just keep your eyes above, and every morning a new sky comes up

*

“Wake up”

why are we always
coming and going
never paying mind to the facts
we’re growing
the world gets older
the polar ice melts but the winters get colder
my moves are hardly witnessed most get the cold shoulder
until I make a hit list, and then it’s over, got the worlds attention knowing at 11 there's no way out,
even detention wouldn’t be excepted now ‘cause I gave an opportunity to be the lesson learnt
and one more child's soul is burnt
with holes all over, shit
they send the squad in after kids
like the children are the government's nemesis
clever shit, if they can deceive the pure in faith then we never win
still surprised they didn’t issue TV’s to every single house,
try to close every mouth and one will bite back
but I guess if it’s more about class we'll want to achieve that
never seeing that all it does is let the evils in the circle
like we can’t teach each other
if these thoughts could reach you brother
daddy if you could see me now
how
would you react
would you laugh would you smile
would the dusk come and I’d feel like a child
in the warmth of a family
can someone tell me who the real man be
when brothers lose sight, and in turn lose reach
of everything they planned to be, committing sabotages causing catastrophes
leaving me bleeding,
another role model leaving me out in the cold,
I’m only a young'en eight years old
how could this be happening
I’m screaming, reading
out words that I’ve thought over and over again in my mind
imagine, when I was six I used to pray every night
please god rewind, fix what is sick in me
take back what’s mine
still I can’t find
my child hood
is it me? would it be over if I had no sense of dignity
teachers calling up my moms saying you'll just have to accept that your child is no good
until the point when my mom had almost been convinced I was the bad seed
I was 12 when I first hit the system, and if I could take my whole life I would have dispelled it
but what’s relevant?
shit they knew I was intelligent
tested over and over again
for mental illness and all they found was my gift
yet they couldn’t get to it
I wouldn’t let it, become their secret weapon
that they knew my soul
I grew up preposterous, paranoia taking it’s toll
I let them talk for me, when I knew I could speak
my words still tremble off my lips when my soul gets weak
when the pain never leaves
it’s not far fetched
it’s easy to understand why the kids with scars always have cuts that’s fresh

oh yeah and dad...
I probably woulda' wanted to walk just like you
talk just like you
but you never saw me through
never spotted, you
left us for granted
you couldn’t be a man for once?
instead you filled me with rage
gave me more words for blank page
split my mind against the average ways
average days, for nine year olds, turned into hellish shades
I can’t take it no more,
how could you disrespect my family any more?!?
you'll never get the chance to see there could be more
companionship between dad and son
you’d rather run
you can’t begin to understand what kind of streaks you spit across my sun
sometimes I wish I had your address and a gun, yeah you get my point
you were there to anoint my soul
'cause there can’t just be one half on a baby
you gave half and got half
but now your looking fucking selfish
what's after the math? contemplating how you would look under my wrath
but god above set different path
I look back and laugh at your selfish ass
but when times pass I get so angry I could scream, stupid mother fucker where you been?

oh yeah and mom....
you were a dream that I woke up in conception
my only friend and weapon against this cold world
your the strongest person I’ve met, standing through and through
my first breath belonged to you,
I shed my tears, and called for you,
grew up in your warmth, blanketing me in the winter
as the walls collapsed you were my only shelter
if I lose you, I hope you understand how much I love you
I stare blankly into space, and see your face erase my tears
only to replace my tears with omnipotent waterfalls dripping in raw emotions
I can’t close doors to you
because our bond has no ins or outs
doubt can’t deceive the one thing that never left me out
I love you mom
you are my retrospect for life
you never cease to be sharp even when my actions speak bluntly
all the precious time with you I can’t forget, can’t forget where the sun be. I love you.

*

♀.mama please.♀

sitting atop parted sheets
words picked off cherry trees
in my old faded dreams
stand apart from me
while I glance at the glaring sun rays
shaded days, behind my window blinds
not good enough to bypass the fate
what I have to face
another day, another night...
another fucking fight
throwing glass at the floors and running out of sight
shamed to face my rage..
entrapped in a cage when I’m alone in my room
but at least I know I’m safe
I'd rather live this way then be trapped in the daily maze..
when I’m alone...
no one can see me behave inside my empty tomb
as I zone out pillows and blankets
warming my new womb..
I swear I can see my soul float
reflections, infracted by the morning dew
the mourning rain, I swear it cries for you
as I gaze out the dirty greased window panes
but today..

today I’m trying to shed the sleep from my eyes
and rise
from the bedroom in which WIL' cried
while you had sighed
and I’ll try..
my best to let you know you are the way..
that I’ve walked.. to be in the likeliness of your parents is no profound mystery..

mama please.

we can find a way..
far from my childhood..
throwing everything off the shelves
no more crying till I choke
no more, coughing on words I wrote
in the gritty school halls
after hours fighting with the academic instrumentals
my impact of being taught by and amongst
masses of fools
you.. are a true freedom fighter
fighting for the future, fighting in spite
being a single parent,
showing light through faith for life..
people like u.. I believe are why
singular cells can divide and explode
into whole family trees
and why roots are formed through the million men marches
formed by the diseased
and the deceased are looked back upon as the truths we must learn to seek
as I watch the trees breathe..
it’s you and me.

you were
persevering although I’m sure I must of frightened you..
I did so many things in spite of you
just to fight with you
I was so angry.. trying to find a cause
rather then a calm when we were alone..
there was no one else to blame.. but the souls of our home.
So I challenged it all, challenged the base of our family unit
but u'n'i.. we figured out why units can form unity
finally..
and all my misery
was well spent
all the tears shed
because I doubted your intent
you compel thought in me..
through me.. my soul, my eyes, my view
it is you, that personifies strength.

so when I hear you speak
about death, about physical weakness
about mesh and holes in your emotional being

I’m just feeling
So caught up..
how I was brought up..
did I tell you that u'n'i put the y in....damn.

not much has changed in aging for any of us
but through your strength we've learned to grow and trust
and must.. I face what I never will accept as the truth?
that it’s best.. if I end up leaving u?
you know how similar our paths have played out me and you?
institutionalized.. deprived of our families.
sometimes I hate.. hate that I let fears become the best of me..
what my childhood meant to me..
and where we now stand...
over a hospital bed...sitting upon spread sheets
where words are writ, secrets from you to me
crying over every word we've said
it’s always one bed, then to another
First our crib, to our mattress, for some a ward, and some a gutter.. then to the tables, and then to our rest..
deep sleep under a flower bed..
listen
I
will
throw my fists down.. so you can throw your legs up
'cause what happens to u
happens to I
ever since I saw the pain you go through
bare it’s weight upon my eyes
our lifetimes
overlapped. pain grown to seed
cant you just map it all out..
yo just plain show me
where I’m to go..
IF you LEAVE.. you'll live on..
in my dreams.. in my soul,
if I leave.. I’ll be wrong..
no matter by what means I lose control
you remain.. resolved and worn
instead of dissolved and torn
as the soles I walked on the first years since I was born..

love your sons and daughters. mama please.

-----WILDOUT.

*

“not again, ever.”

ayo.. sorry if this joint ain’t that tight
I can’t write just now,
but I can let you see what’s goin' through my mind..
hopefully it’s worth something to find..

self committing tragedy cousin
you say your not bluffing
you say we was like brothers and then you turn your back running
who the fuck are you now?
you aren’t my man at all
you left a message in my girls inbox
talking shit, I didn’t expect you to fall off
but you did
extremely
inexcusably
fuck.
this is the love and loss chapters
you’ve written both of our tragedies
don’t make me kill you cousin..
I still got love for you
but keep the attitude, I’m a have to do what I have to do..
it must threaten you, that I’ve finally found a way that feels so right
maybe that is why, you need to say shit bout guns and knives..
your still searching brother.. and I offered to be your light
don’t extinguish the flame, you know that ain’t right
this ain’t a game, that’s why I don’t act like a thug with my life
I'm not afraid, to show I got love for my girl
or to let ‘em all know that's my ideal wife
so antagonistic, like I did something wrong
I heard your stories cousin, isn’t this that same old song?
like you.. ain’t did nothing wrong
but something came along
and fucked up your pact with your boy
and now it all went wrong
naw dog..
it don’t go down like that
I was infuriated
now exasperated, can’t believe I was manipulated
I actually fell for it, just for a second though
I was ready to kill my fam', and let the weapons blow..
damn..

I NEVER want to feel that again.

*

“Battles”

tears drop from the bags around your beautiful eyes
clouds that appeared the morning after last night
sometimes the things we both do just ain’t right
sometimes that clear vision, is projection and not sight
your palm in mine, dissolving times, we had prior
confessions of a boy, not a man, not perfection, but not a complete liar
even assholes have a soul you know
and if I've really collapsed from where I once held the thrown
then maybe you need to help me grow
there's so much that I owe to you
and so much that when you feel like leaving
you could do
but maybe it’s my greediness that pushed you away
eclipsing your racoon eyes, night to day
and this is just another quest
so girl we can "find a way"

where once lay a woman
there now lies a shadow
where once rised our foundation
now rises a battle
where once I embraced the deepness of your eyes
I now turn in fear
and maybe these tears we cry can’t be helped
and maybe we need to just see someone else
but I’ve never been this dependant for my mental health
my insecurities have begin to dwell, in my heart
but safety has held me up because you
protected and personified that part of me
now as your foot prints appear in untouched sand I feel like your parting me in two
and my particles are in a fury
I feel like I’m imploding
and girl..
all I can say is I’m sorry
for whatever is the root to this crab apple tree
in every sad ending of every love story
there’s always a way they could have stopped it from fulfilling tragedy
it’s alright to be mad at me
just come back to me

*

"ergobliss":

if I could walk through your mind, I’d find an avenue,
sipping wine on the corner, recollecting my mind as I talk to old friends,
in French and Spanish, reminiscing on the beauty of your inner soul's mainframe
built with structures of unworldly circles, and odd shapes,
designed with uttermost tastes, for the meal I’d eat your fantasies,
and become famished through the delight seeing them brings,
lust only leads to feed dreams, and dream feed dreamers,
id glance at the street sign as I tied up my sneakers, beauty and innocence,
I stand at the corner mocking,
wondering where this fits in my quest for true hip hopping,
I see diamonds glancing from windows with nothing but light shining,
but the only place I find myself drawn to is your mind, as I start climbing,
or is it ascending, deeper, I realize that with my eyes I can only bring interpretation,
frustrated I go home, only left with more longing for truth's sensations.

*

“love”

deep eyed stars,
or eyes deep like starlight.
compelling my soul to express,
to use my words as my function, soul functionalist,
and yet, lyrically there is no way I could create a reproduction,
whether melding clay, words, or adding lengthy introductions,
feelings we share on the mental and physical plane, contradicting and same,
simple and plain, the candle light flickers on the walls, as to figures
become one, chemical and physical reactions keep making,
love.

*

“Bk Queen volume one”

Passion, flowing deep like the Nile, making our souls climax
without contact, linked over spiritual plain,
the worshipping of Isis, utterance of her name
if I could touch the haze again, I would walk through her mind
and drink acceleration, inspiration, and adrenaline
speaking her names in ancient as I begin
heat living, inside of the ice cube, that sits here in her tall stem wine glass
thick and juicy, mango juice lassie
she sits there alone, while our eyes play past the
point of where they met, and all I can think, is classy.
Damn.

*

"I Adore You."
Sweet ray of light in the darkness
I long for the taste of honey that trickles off your lips
a simple kiss, makes me reminisce,
Long nights, made too quick,
Moments hazed with blushed faces, wish I could have held them still,
But now I don know if I ever will,
Get that chance again,
To hold your hand again, would be like a answer to an eternal question,
Asked by every man, found by none, once was a bird,
But I can fly with love,
To reunite with you...
Like being dried in the dessert,
And having your first taste of rain,
The first time you whispered your lovers name,
Shared your secret shames, and shared your pain,
Cried out tears of love and sadness after finding that day,
To have met your souls heart,
Like a stream left untouched in a endless forest, we long for it, and once found adore it...
Just to let our palms kiss, our skin to feel each others,
Our glances to be locked, our thought never to leave each other,
A love could almost breathe each other, if it were this real,
Unsuspecting... inspiration always there,
But.. Just to share that moment with you,
Soft like rose petals, and to show you I care.. I adore you...
Thank you... for being

*

"untitled."

You brighten my days but you wont admit it
You are
my Diamonds glistening,
dropped from a velvet sac
Why don’t you see how much you mean to me
Girl thank you for being around when I couldn’t see
you led me through...
And if you choose not to fly, then you waste your wings
Because heaven misses the angel that they sent to me...
and everyday I pray that you feel the same way for me...
locked doors open up the moments that you adore me
and..
it’s unexplainable
but I see things clearly now
when your their for me
baby
I just want to thank you for being here with me
as the rain drops trickle down our backs we spread our wings...
forever...

Free
from the hardships of days spent all alone
wandering until I found my single rose
Sweeter then those I had ever seen before. Lovers rush to find their moments
but sometimes they just sneak up on you
and that’s how I feel about you and me
Baby...
I would never regret loving you,
if you don’t regret loving me,
Girl loving you has brought me to higher levels even though I’m on my knees,
what can I do to repay to you and show you what I mean,
I feel like fresh dew on spring's new leaves...,
(oh yeah...)
it’s unexplainable but I see things clearly
when your their for me and baby I just want to thank you for being' here with me
I love you
I trust in you
(BRIDGE)
and know this if I was be a genie
I would grant your every wish
and if I was the rain I’d wash everything clear
but since I’m only me
I can only tell you that your dear to me
even when your not near to me
it’s clear to me...
I'm glad that I found you..
I remember when we argued things out
thought we'd never work things out
and now we’re doing what peeps said we couldn’t
no doubt.
that shit mean a lot to me
that you put that shit aside, and can be with me,
because you love me,
and I love you to,
your favourite colour baby blue,
clear skies,
it’s that moment when the rain clouds open up,
and you realize, this days goin’ be fine,
in fact it’s going to be wonderful,
unexplainable, a love rapturous become trainable,
Chorus:
it’s unexplainable
but I see things clearly now
your their for me
baby
I just want
to thank you for being here with me
as the rain drops trickle down our backs we spread our wings...
forever...
you and me..

*

"Sometimes words aren’t enough"

When longing becomes despairing...
love can easily mismatch perfect pairing...
I stand up against the wall waiting...
missing...
you and me...
your smile
your hug
your assuring kiss
I feel overwhelmed... emotions scattered like broken seashells across the beach...
And it's not even over...
I can't figure out why I can't find the words to say...
anything more then I love you..
and our arguments spawn from the same hands.. that ease our pains during our time together..
over simple things...
conversations and misleading contacts...
and insecurity got us frustrated..
thinking that "my baby's all over her"...
thinking that "my baby doesn't trust me enough to talk to me"
thinking that.. "maybe he's not my baby"..
I hope you don’t think so..
you make me a better man, and if you want to work through our rough spots then we can,
no sheets get ironed without the help of a hand...
if I hurt you I’m sorry..
I can't think of anyone I'd be with besides you...
and if we have to leave.. then when I’m alone... you'll see it's true..
I love you.

*

"tears"

You glance at me... but the words just don't come.
There's so much to say... but instead we’re saying goodbye.
And as you turn to leave... I grasp your hand for the last time.
I feel deep inside... that never again will this moment exist in space or time.
Love is lost... like the sand that had sat in our closed palms that night.
As we let go... the bits drop to the beach and the tide goes out.
There's no use... Lovers search for past moments and in vain try to cry them out.
As if... the drama could bring us back to where we were.
Save your tears precious.
As I watch my blood drain... I feel breathless.
The cold cement... stretches farther than my words can fill.
I Love You.
I LOVE YOU.... MY HEART IS YOURS TO REALIZE.
And so my life... is drawn in the starlight embers of your eyes

*

"no more pain"
I wonder.. if the pain you bring is intentional
no where to look but up.. even though my life has never been directional..
a scribble in my note book could better describe the feats, my life has moved mountains in it’s agony, it's defeat,
I can’t focus.... I feel like my life is hopeless
laughing.. even though my heart is broken more and more
even though... my heart is spoken for..
why must we break down and give up so far from where we began
we look up with dreams and fall down when the whips scold our back
Can we forget so easily?
where we are is not where we began
no one said we'd have a helping hand.. this life is independent
soul mates fade through death.. and we lose our closest friends
we’re all empty wine bottles thrown off roof tops
maintaining our form, until we have no where to drop but to hit the floor.. shattering.
gravity of our souls, an unstoppable force that can't listen to us beg it for a
second more..
we build pyramids and yet we can’t follow through our aspirations are the stars after the pain
and the new flowers grow when the worms who fought their way to see the sky's light die in the rain
it’s all circular an exchange of our place
as the flower in new bud, to those who are killed in the flood
and when we look back we’re all thick headed because of gods gift to us..
emotions and trust.. love and lust.. at the cost of truth we falter..

*

“Quintessential Essence”
May-27-02 AT 05:27 PM (EST)

slowly
I open my eyes to see
and tears fill up and blur my vision
effects of the solar illumination
that you give to me
you are a love song
the only one I play on repeat
you are our song, we dance to the melody of our hearts beat
they look for us
in every book and film
in every CD album and stores with silk
DONT RUSH..please don’t rush
it’s okay
to blush
I don’t mind when
you hush
let’s rewind
and touch
what’s inside
our love
it’s more then
just lust
it doesn’t mean we have to
trust it
reminisce on the loose clutch
that didn’t slip away
that doesn’t hurt your palm
it’s okay to be scared for today,
it’s okay to be calm,
unimaginable,
that our love is; like grains of sand that hold on
without us having to
it just feels, natural, to be scared and excited
but there’s still a support
so much to retort, but what we identify as love
is just what we personify
true love is okay to doubt,
what we doubt is neither you or I,
it stands still surpassing the time,
we have lived, and have yet to give
quintessential and simple the essence is our souls just live
human beings, we're constantly changing
it’s impossible to stop sharing, unless we choose to stop communicating
our love.

*

“it’s like that”

we never said it would be easy
but I could never have imagined it would be this hard
together we've come so far, and now I reminisce on traces of us beneath the stars
sitting with my back to a tree, is what I see with my eyes closed
smelling scents of dried rose, and vanilla candle light where a moment was froze
when the wick was put out, but the moment was still fresh in my left breast
my heart's warmth, I gave to you, and now you left with it
this life seems so wicked, and cruel, without you..
after searching for years and to finally have found you
and I know I’m over-reacting to the situation
and in my heart I know this ain’t done
but in my heart for love, there's only one
and now I’m wrapped in a blanket, waiting for the sun

it’s like that;
love is real matter-a-fact;
like that;
I feel it in me nothing can hold me back;
like that;
a love that is real, not to die for but to live for
you say I gave a lot but I can’t wait to give more

I got pictures of you, looks like you just turned one
I got thoughts of you, knowing that your my only one
in my dreams it seems, I run towards the light
sometimes what’s blocking me I have to fight
and then I see your face, and everything is alright
this ain’t nothing new
I could tell this would happen when I first saw you
could tell I wanted to stay true when I first called you
why these players playing games?
then complain
that real love never entering their frame
ha ha wait
just wait lil’ soldier
hate to say I told ya
be good to her and do everything that you should wit her
and forget about all that other nonsense, and what her love will cost ya, don’t throw a fit
‘cause the consequence of love is not hate and futility, it’s suppleness and beauty, its

like that;
love is real matter-a-fact;
like that;
I feel it in me nothing can hold me back;
like that;
a love that is real, not to die for but to live for
you say I gave a lot but I can’t wait to give more

now listen baby boo
it’s true, there a lot of things that love can do for you
but listen to me, don’t search for a man
don’t look in each single guy to see if they understand
just allow yourself to flow with chi energies
allow friendships to begin, and some to end
don’t cry for all of them, just let them go
when it’s real love you will know
when it’s real love there WILL still be the point when you think that you want to go
but see my friend, that’s when something will hold you back
keep you pressed against that mans chest, and your eyes locked, now you on track
‘cause love is deeper then an ocean
it begins after all those preconceived notions
and lives where our thoughts are not frozen
but they stay and leave
live and breathe
and that’s how it’s s'posed ta be its

like that;
love is real matter-a-fact;
like that;
I feel it in me nothing can hold me back;
like that;
a love that is real, not to die for but to live for
you say I gave a lot but I can’t wait to give more

*

“it’s like that pt.2”

love is not for the faint of hearts
the pain of art
like the struggle getting a mural from a rusty wall
like never that
gotsa allow yourself to feel
what the deal? hard to understand what is real
newly born into worlds that exist past space and time
transformations skins a peel
too complicated
love is under-rated and over emphasized
love is suppleness and beauty
left at the twinkle in an eye
and love can pass you by
if your not clever enough to talk to it
rather then grab, or stalk through it
throwing stones at it
love is spasmatic, for some, love is automatic
for others they can’t have it,
‘cause love is yet to enter their minds
they don’t love anyone,
but they feel alone, so they stare into each others eyes
but all they see is a reflection of themselves in tiny proportions
rather then the deepness of souls that can form oceans

it’s like that
real love is true matter-a-fact
it’s like that
shattered contemplations and maps
it’s like that
transformations leave complications
all of which is the price of love's new sensations


I got two eyes open
hoping
with my palm closing
on your silk skin
we speak languages
with our body
much flirtation is present even when we’re angry
it’s funny how my eyes can say I love you
and my mouth can say I can’t talk to you at the same time
maybe that’s why
when I’m angry I look down
or rather turn around
just to hide my unpleasant drown
off your aphrodisiac which could awake me
if my eyes were just to betray my inner self

it’s like that
real love is true matter-a-fact
it’s like that
shattered contemplations and maps
it’s like that
transformations leave complications
all of which is the price of love's new sensations

third verse
unrehearsed burst of tears
fears lurk, between your thighs only realized by a shade of blue in your eyes
and it hurts, to spend lives together where love is like a war
forgetting we’re on the same side
‘cause once we caught in conflicts where both the dark and the light resides,
both worlds collide, shattering you and I
until we wake up together
holding hands
holding backs and chests close to our necks
peeling off clothing, teeth stripping down each and every strap
pulled back, ‘cause we bounce back like that
real love is true, matter-a-fact

it’s like that
real love is true matter-a-fact
it’s like that
shattered contemplations and maps
it’s like that
transformations leave complications
all of which is the price of love's new sensations

love you baby.

*

“With Child”
Aug-12-02, 05:38 PM (EST)

your smile
sinks into my skin
like a warm good smelling ointment
your love
make my tears replace my ignorance
and then disappear buried in your chest
your eyes
pierce through armour built
into twisted metal and flesh
your soul
is so hard working
and yet it soothes me and puts me to rest
I feel like exploding with you into bliss
because I feel I would be imploding into the parts of me that I miss
locked in my chest my heart burns all I’ve extinguished in my past
at last
freedom direct
out of exodus formed in a single rose
which grows in an imagined pose
I see you in, with my eyes closed
at last,
I don’t need to grasp what I cant
I just need to understand
what it is to be with you each and everyday
changing from one symbolic simile imagery of love
to the next line I whisper into your earlobe
at last,
freedom direct
out of exodus formed in a single rose
which grows in an imagined pose
I see you in, with my eyes closed
I love you

*

“Myst (with child pt.2)”
Aug-13-02 AT 11:27 AM (EST)

I have not ushered a word of truth
towards how we co-exist
independence has....
never been so beautiful
co-dependence has never been so completely
non-condescending
and never before have I shed reverence over my inner darkness
stand facing the contemplations
of what I thought love was
wronged and prolonged
I stand weaker then before, but you
you say I stand strong
and maybe it's the myst that got us sweating out pheromones
glancing sideways, if this is wrong
then the only thing I can say is "crime pays"
if I had to wait this long just to hear this song
flow out of my mouth and into my ear drums
then I can’t even imagine what will come
in a couple a years
once we've worked through a couple a fears
and we’re in the mix
sipping on a couple ta near split it
back into two, after one love was personified
and I feel my insides rise to walk the field by your side
butterflies, cocooned from a cold earth creature
I haven’t ushered a word of truth on how we co-exist
truth hurts, ‘cause it is relative, to where our souls currently sit
and my soul's vagrancy has been quelled, calmed, my curtains have been drawn but the darkness does not engulf my bed sheets
quiet candle lights speak
of your warmth
with or without you there I hear you more and more
sometimes memories overlap just to form a still picture of your smile
and when the myst clears.. I am reborn with child

*

“her”

breath is the faint buzzing noise that puts all war to rest,
all children to sleep, and all dreams to breath.

*

“All I need”
posted 08-25-2002 07:47 PM

I feel so alone
I feel like I have no home and there is no truths
I feel like I’m forgotten and like I’ve forgotten u
but what hurts the most is the fact
that I let myself remember
and without you by my side.. I’m feeling so dismembered
so I cry..

complete../emptiness/an ever-concluding ruff draft of my life story/I can’t feel my own skin/ but that’s not what I want../ I want to feel your skin's warmth/covering my bloodied torn grasps on life/torn with blisters and bloodied truths/my hands are scorned.. forlorning the lovers approach/but all I ever needed/was what I finally have/and all I ever wanted/is based on top of that/liquid poured into an empty vase/to bloom my worn flower/pause.../I am moved/to smile/I am moved/to open up/I am moved to break down walls/that might better be left untouched/but/baby.. all I ever needed is what you give to me/and I am moved/to cry rivers that had covered my earth/I am moved../to moisten the deserts of my terrain with tears I’ve held inside/I am moved/you are everything.. please.. just promise you'll never ask why.//

I feel so alone
I feel like I have no home and there is no truths
I feel like I’m forgotten and like I’ve forgotten u
but what hurts the most is the fact
that I let myself remember
and without you by my side.. I’m feeling so dismembered
so I cry..

And crying feels so right
when it’s you I see behind my foggy eyes..
but that’s not where we are tonight.

*

“a letter.”
08-20-2002 05:03 PM

When you left
I felt my breath had been stolen
and that I would try to hold on
and wait.. blue in the face..
until you returned to our home..
I didn’t want to have to feel anything..
and yet I was dying inside..
I felt like crying most times..
after you left.

It was as if, every protection I had been broken.
I was alone.
No where to go, no one to talk to but myself.

The only people talking to me.. were women who would.. have me lusting trifley away.. forgetting about the day.. that I began to live.

I apologize.. for not being able to, let myself feel.. for acting completely ignorant subservient to my hormonal instincts..

Then I saw you again.. with a letter I gave to you.. which bled through nothing of what had been going through my mind the whole time.. besides that I was guilty for talking to these other girls..

I felt like you had done this to me
in spitefulness, and willingness.

I felt like you brushed me off..
like a knot in your hair..
had grown weary of the knot in our souls..
and the knots that had laced our hands..

I..
didn’t see that you too missed me as much..
until I read your letter that you gave to me when we re-embraced...Faced with... every fear I could have possibly imagined in a relationship..
I did not act like a man.. for I was scared.
don’t you know that.. every time I think about your words that you’ve said.. I feel the warmth inside me of days we’ve shared..

And still your.. far away until 6 days from today.. and then it’s time to go to work again..
I have never felt so scared..
and never been so upset..
I really don’t want to lose my first true friend.

so please..
accept this letter.. ungratefully.. as I kneel before you kissing your legs.. I have never loved anyone more then I love you and I hope..
that this type of love will never just end.

yours forever,
Aedan.

*

“Sunshine”

I reminisce, on our kiss
seconds split,
the essence, simple bliss
and yet amidst
the moment, I can’t get my head around all of this
overwhelming mess, we done got ourselves into
I miss you, girl we've been through
more issues then tissues,
I love you,
even when we struggle,
because I trust you,

sometimes more then I trust myself, I trust us
together we can tap into untouched spiritual wealth
when I lust for you,
it's that longing to just touch that deeper connection indescribable
not purely physical,
sexual, or vice versa
my mentality,
got me knowing that I’m not meant to hurt ya,
because I feel like the only time I’m truly pure to self,
is when my tongue is fluently expressing itself,
reflecting your warmth,
I’m just a mirror,
if I’m broken in two,
then I apologize to you,
cause temporarily I would distort the true message,
that I’ve been trying to reach you with,
even if I can’t tell you this,
I want you to understand,
that you are beautiful and perfect,
there are going be days,
when I wont be able to impress it upon you
that every struggle we've had.. I’m glad
your the one
with me for good,
and for bad..
I’d feel truly blessed if I was a dad, know that
there’s no other door I’d rather let my children have
as an entrance into the world
besides to tap into your blood line
take a look inside you girl,
and envelope the sunlight
climb into the sunshine.

*