First, I started seeing a therapist. I've been having panic/anxiety attacks on a very frequent basis since summer, some days it's just an off and on stream of them. So I had one particularly rough week, beginning with my brother in law vanishing with my daughter for like 3 hours on super bowl Sunday without telling us where he was (he was supposed to bring her home from my mother in laws) and I kinda flipped out. My wife begged me to keep cool so I just snatched up my daughter when they arrived and examined her from head to toe because I assumed the fucking worst. I just hit the shower to some angry music after that. Fortunately, his whereabouts that night were verifiable. My wife's (and his) cousin is Jimmy Smith (of the Ravens, the guy who held Crabtree) so he brought her to another cousin's house with him to watch the game with family. Still, he fucked up and that's the last fucking time that dude will have my child in his hands.

Then came a weird ass day at work where I struggled to hold it together and called out the next. I decided there and then, it's time to start *really* dealing with all the bullshit. The first guy I found that accepted my insurance made time for me that evening, and it all seemed to fit like a glove through three sessions. Then Blue Shield said he's not within my assigned network or some shit, so that ended that. I'm looking through the network for a new one with little luck. Here's hoping though. He's suggesting it's not bipolar, but rather PTSD.

One thing that came out of those sessions that I've decided against taking my sister. I kinda knew she was playing multiple angles with this, but that's been confirmed now. Basically she's planning on forcing her way home; she just wants to come here short term. She's openly told others that she just tells me what I want to hear so she can come live with us for awhile, but she's got no intention of staying. Then there are some facebook posts that really drove that point home to me. I'm not investing money, time, energy, etc, and opening my home just so she can run back to the same bullshit that started this situation. If she tries to go back and can't, I'm not going to sit here and deal with the fallout of that when her plan fails.

It's kind of a rough choice, but I'll be damned if my family and home become leverage of some kinda, a mere card to play. This ain't game of thrones! My therapist also noted the pattern of going all in to help my family, only to watch them stick to their own script in the end. It's not bout me, and I don't do things to get anything in return other than to help them along. I don't need them to need me, and I certainly don't gain anything from this. Enough is enough, and while she's only 15, the buck stops here. I realized that she's mostly set in who she is, for better or worse. In the end, me going on this journey of handling my own baggage isn't really the best time to take on such a responsibility. There are other things at play too, so this picture really became clear when I started honestly assessing things.

The hard part will be telling her; my natural instincts scream "take her!", but I know that's not what's best. She's stable and she doesn't have any leverage to manipulate things where she is right now. I can help more effectively at a distance, I think. I don't necessarily feel good about this complete reversal, but it's what's best.

My brother's situation just is what it is. I'm slowly divorcing myself from that attachment. I'm not sure what to believe or to what degree any longer. I'll always care, but I can no longer care actively.

Lastly, I'm excited about this OKS network and think I've got some value to contribute. I'm gearing up for the launch of my own site, which is massive in scope and ambition... fingers crossed for that shit. Oh, and I molly-whooped a shit talker in GD in a battle of soundcloud pages.