i almost squeezed the life out of him again
this vicious relationship
founded in resentment
sometimes rage and fear
caught in a maze of deciept
a self imposed prison
i choked him until he lay there
no more strength to fight
while i found an unnatural pleasure
from attempted murder but it was not me
it couldn't be me that liked it
one day he showed up I reached
out the first time cause he was there
and i felt comfort from him
yet since then, a struggle it has been
to keep myself from this feeling
i bury myself in fantasies
or when i am with a woman she sometimes makes me forget
all about the sordid affair i have with him
i don't like knowing this so i have never written a word till now
i wanna stop but it is something that burns
and i yearn for cause the pain of it feels so good.
how do i stop what has become so acceptable now days.
i hate this i wanna stop doing it but i always find my way back to him
so i write this to remember the moment this moment when i really
just want to be normal and stop this i gotta stop
i just want to love and be loved like everyone
without having to rely on what i get from holding him
we are so close and then there are times when i think him
to be my worst enemy
how do i admit it feels good to choke him to the end of his last breath and then let go just before death?
i guess i just said it...now what? does it stop?
here he is now i can't resist
wait i'll be back later...

ASIEM are you going crazy dawg. back and forth back and forth no offense but please abort, this, crasy turn of events as it unfolds to be your mid-life crisis!

wow midlife crisis i wish this been goin on a long time i am just gettin the courage to write about it...check this out all the pieces i have written in here and i think this is the first time i even noticed a hit from you. that says something to me. i am looking for your work now.

interesting peice.. is it addiction?



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more like an affliction...sup E you aight

this is crazy cause i my thoughts are you are a male writer ... but this seems to come from a female .... i don't know i'm gonna read it again S

please do and please your words will be much appreciated
being male today is as much a struggle as being black oops how bout being black, male and very sexually active now that is a talk piece

"keep pennin till the earth birth's your rightful seed then nurture it wit more ink..."
ASIEM
"Kuun fiyah Kuun" Quran
(Be and it is)
" A writer takes his pen to write the words again that all in love is fair" Stevie Wonder




www.myspace.com/asiem61

I've read alot of your owrk actually you're an impressive writer, and thank you for the feedback on my piece!

usually make for the best pieces of work. this is the rawest i've ever seen you get on here:

no more strength to fight
while i found an unnatural pleasure
from attempted murder but it was not me
it couldn't be me that liked it
one day he showed up I reached
out the first time cause he was there
and i felt comfort from him
yet since then, a struggle it has been
to keep myself from this feeling
i bury myself in fantasies
or when i am with a woman she sometimes makes me forget
all about the sordid affair i have with him
i don't like knowing this so i have never written a word till now
i wanna stop but it is something that burns
and i yearn for cause the pain of it feels so good.

those lines above are what i thought was the *meat* of the poem. maybe you should keep writing it out and then learn to understand and accept what it is you're *going through* if you can. Peace~

--------------------------------------
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the book: http://www.lulu.com/content/132318

I'm an emotional cripple. ©janey

I'm kinda having a hard time gettin' a good grasp on this pCe -- :(

The texture of your words feels so gritty and "under~the~skin-like" -- I can't help but try to scratch it -- but I ain't too sure exactly what's makin' me itch! -- *chuckles*

I'm looking at this flow -- with your references to HIM -- like folks look at Hip~Hop and refer to "it" as a HER (or SHE) -- So I'm wondering if the HE/HIM you're referring to here is an actual MALE or if you're using it as an analogy for something else -- *scratches head*

So ....

Are you saying here that you've had a pseudo/semi~homosexual experience ... and it involves that choking move where the person has an orgasm at the point of almost passing out? -- (AND YOU LIKED IT)?

If so ... that's kool -- I'm just asking, so I can get a grip on your focus and understand the text/content better. -- (I'll read it again for clarity)

If not ... then what exactly are you referring to?

Either way ... Don't choke me for asking! -- :9

this is not the way i thought things would end
but i had to start writing bout this
now there is not a moment
i don't anticipate it ending
no more choking no more numb feelings
no more hiding and fantasizing
believing one day i will find satisfaction
i wonder if anyone else feels like this
finding pleasure in something
that just don't sit right inside me
i mean it feels good but when i think about it
i mean really think about it, embarresment, guilt and shame
run a collision course with the thought that it is normal for so many
yeh i wonder if anyone would really tell the truth
it feels like i am gaining relief but fear still has a grip and
the idea that i might be considered something i cannot tell myself
my conscious won't allow it
i am a man, a father, good looking, talented and intelligent
some might ask what does that have to do with it?
perhaps nothing at all i just wonder why this is a part of me
so much apart of me?
can someone relate can someone tell me it's really okay
to feel so many indifferent feelings that come and go
it seems like a trap if i give in when i give in as i give in to
the desire the feeling the comfort the familiar
damn can somebody relate?

another installment for me...cause it is TABOO

i looked outside myself
seeking approval no doubt
i glanced in the mirror
but found only a reflection
the noise, distortion
conflicted emotion
all looked back at me
wondering wandering a maze
of make believe
puzzeled just for a moment
i digress
planted seeds still grow
no fertile ground
no water no affection no culture
barren soil deep within a mindfield
beneath the turmoil it seemed
no life would come from this
still like a thin blade of grass
through concrete here am i
i did it again
even after she touched me and made
me feel whole, i choked him
squeezed and strained till vains popped
there in a sullen slumber he lay
waiting anticipating me
seperated nothing between us but exhaustion
i watch fantasizing
waiting for him to get back up
touching the moist often dispised fluid
i sniff, the air pungent yet sweet
engulfed in my own madness
vulnerable yet gaurded
will i ever stop?
do i really want too?
i get immense gratification from pleasuring him
today i found noone outside to relate
but today i talked to me
and that feels good...

there is a little intimidation
knowing that i have found a medium
to slowly release you from my
frontal lobes
to find ease from the pain of forgotten claims
that come back every time i play with you'
tho i have been there with you so many times
there is solice close, to find.
taboo, yes this is something hidden but known
and now that it is becoming shared so often for view
i wonder if it will soon be a memory
that i can choose not a place of no return once touched
crippling me with compulsion after obsessions plea was met
granted you stay near me you are me so mucha part of me
but so much in control of me that i need to seperate from the strangle hold, the grip, the incessant desire to...
yet in healing, in natural affection i will find you
my congenital ally but until then
i'll choke you with pleasure nowhere in the end...

i read yo piece and then read your comments and your added installments. your most poignant statement, "being male today is as much a struggle as being black." this statement brought light to all that you've said. we need to let brothas be brothas and not define that for them, let them define themself. we impose definitions of manhood that are just as misogynistic as the labels and acts upon sistas.

in some veryu real way that is the heart of this thanks for pulling that out I know someone is listening and not afraid to see reality nor face what appears to be 'taboo'

release is so good for the soul. That is one area I've had a hard time coming to grips with and letting go. My ego has not allowed me to release and in return let anything in, realizing that this is what keeps us stagnant.

>no more choking no more numb feelings
>no more hiding and fantasizing
>believing one day i will find satisfaction
>i wonder if anyone else feels like this
>finding pleasure in something
>that just don't sit right inside me

yes i have found pleasure in things that didn't feel right at all within, but continued to stay/do it for the temporary satisfaction but all the while in the inside dying. But as time goes on you do better, you grow...it will get better


>i mean it feels good but when i think about it
>i mean really think about it, embarresment, guilt and shame

felt

This was all over the place, but I was still able to relate. Peace & Blessing

visiting
an obsession
even for a moment
can raise compulsions grip
a vice to hard to break
my affliction had been in remission
even found hope beneath
the breast of a woman
still in a flash it seems
there the choking began again
a lapse revolves arround the silence
and the what had passed
has risen
now...
what shall i accept
after the birth of another dawn?

there is a little clarity, and I get what you are saying...so I pose the question do you ever think you will find peace with this taboo subject? How are you handling it?

To be honest about it there is nothing more to say about this except i was hoping someone would clearly ask what am i talking about literally tho this has symbolic and figurative meanings i was simply conveying how masturbation is often "taboo" but really as normal as eating and all other human functions but when fear or embarrassment control us it can be quite an addiction...to answer you i will do it again I am sure lol

>To be honest about it there is nothing more to say about this except
>i was hoping someone would clearly ask what am i talking about
>literally tho this has symbolic and figurative meanings

Dude ...

Check ^above^ -- #9

I asked for clarity ... (but you never came back and responded) -- :(


Truthfully ... I didn't know masturbation was TABOO anymore?!?!? -- *chuckles* -- :P

But now ... after reading your excerpts over again ... I can see how "masturbation" / "chokin' da chicken" fits right in with your wordplay.

Thanx for revealing the mystery...

i concede u r so right u did ask for clarity...the idea behind taboo is when it becomes the means of satisfaction that was scarry to me at one time keeping it a secret

this was an escapade of emotions with descriptions like here & now!
"yo, shit happens"

a decade of excellence
-xxx