i think that the avg. reader will be able to discern that this pertains to your father without the specific phrase:

'our father's chest'

and imo, those five lines just aren't as engaging as the lines that follow.

i think the rest of it is incredible exactly the way that it is.

but if i can suggest something, i'd like to see you play with the order of the stanzas.


>One Mississippi, two Mississippi

>we counted the miles
>between his voice and thunder claps.
>Wind beat against his chest.
>He chewed hail the size of golf balls,
>spat it to the floor.


>All that moisture rumbled all evening in his lungs
>till someone, unforgivably dumb,
>left the oven on or rolled their eyes.
>


>The mist rose after work
>with a misplaced shoe, a startled nap.
>Had we stomped on the stairs, slammed a door, forgot to say
>please,
>vapor scaled his legs.


>The rain season lasted the whole of our childhoods.
>We held our umbrellas, we slept behind hills,
>I sewed my brothers’ mouths shut
>and we waited for the arrival of floods, tall enough
>to wash us away.



again, i think it's incredible.

good to see you.

p.s.

if any of this is offensive, blame tha anthology; he has me on that old school 00' criticism.

no disrespect intended.

please,

stay you.

s'nothin more beautiful.