As I have mentioned earlier, I will be posting some verses from my groups demo. We are putting it together currently, so I was curious what you thought. here is one from a song called "one night stand":


Hold up and hear me out, I gotta talk to you
i'm not on that same ol' this is something new
ill tell you from the start and what i say is true
no need for looking back at the things you do - you just do it

were getting wild tonight
dont listen to what they say - they just jealous types
just breathe and stop - get it amplified
go on and turn it up another notch or five - then let it drop
like the back of a Cadillac on some hydro tip
you know i got that heat
just me and you thats the master plan
my definition of a one night stand
so think about it take a minute and meditate
ill make it worth your while so dont hesitate
yeah you got that - its not to pass away
so if you wanna do - lets do this yesterday
---Chorus--
All i need is an all night plan
speaking out to all my fans
try and do that all i can
working out all my scams (sp?)
thinking of a one night stand (repeat)
----------


this was written from a point of view where one night stand means me talking from the stage to a listener, trying to convince the listener to spend a night with my music (show, etc). nothing serious

Yeah. I got the metaphor. Either way, comparing music to sex or sex to music, same difference.

This felt like a bunch of generic R&B lines strung together. Even if the idea was original, the execution doesn't convey that.

And your rhymes are nursery school. Sorry.

Keep building.

Peace.

ok, constructive criticism, i can take that. The thing is, I do have alot more clever, complex material. But as of late, I wanted to simplify the delivery. There really isnt much i can say, except that it definately reads much weaker than it sounds within the songs structure.... but hey, now i gotta think on this. that bad, huh?