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Forum nameFreestyle Board
Topic subjectRE: Dance with the Devil
Topic URLhttp://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=7&topic_id=59477&mesg_id=59480
59480, RE: Dance with the Devil
Posted by thesignpostdrafter, Thu Aug-17-06 11:06 PM
Ok, this is good for a spoken word performance, but if you are looking to create literary poetry as well- I would dispose of the cliches like the following:

>lil rebel,

>emotion floats,
>like a storm hitting a boat,

Also how can something float like something hitting something. Try:

emotion rages like waves hitting the masthead (just a suggestion)

Whenever you use imagery, it is important to be as specific as possible. God is in the details- and so is the devil ;)

>the perfectly unperfected,

Upon the intial reading of this line, I don't notice the bullshit- feeling of it- I mean what the fuck does that even mean - perfectly unperfected.. I get it . . . it trips off the tongue nicely.. but I can't let that pass without a complaint

I only nit pick, because in a poem every. word. counts.

>crystal clear but its late,

"crystal clear" is a cliche

>claws sink into my skin,

"claws sink" is a cliche

>no fam

well- I sense you are just using this slang for the word family to make your poem rhyme-- but I'll let it pass

>a one on one with the devil,
>is as sick as it gets.

What does "sick as it gets" even mean, really? It's a bullshit phrase we use in small talk. Poetry is about words as power to reveal truth, not words as witty tools to hide emotions in small talk.

Anyway. I like the title - even if I've heard it before- and don't take this critique too personally I would have never spent this much time reviewing your piece if I didn't like it at all.