59480, RE: Dance with the Devil|
Posted by thesignpostdrafter, Thu Aug-17-06 11:06 PM
Ok, this is good for a spoken word performance, but if you are looking to create literary poetry as well- I would dispose of the cliches like the following:
>like a storm hitting a boat,
Also how can something float like something hitting something. Try:
emotion rages like waves hitting the masthead (just a suggestion)
Whenever you use imagery, it is important to be as specific as possible. God is in the details- and so is the devil ;)
>the perfectly unperfected,
Upon the intial reading of this line, I don't notice the bullshit- feeling of it- I mean what the fuck does that even mean - perfectly unperfected.. I get it . . . it trips off the tongue nicely.. but I can't let that pass without a complaint
I only nit pick, because in a poem every. word. counts.
>crystal clear but its late,
"crystal clear" is a cliche
>claws sink into my skin,
"claws sink" is a cliche
well- I sense you are just using this slang for the word family to make your poem rhyme-- but I'll let it pass
>a one on one with the devil,
>is as sick as it gets.
What does "sick as it gets" even mean, really? It's a bullshit phrase we use in small talk. Poetry is about words as power to reveal truth, not words as witty tools to hide emotions in small talk.
Anyway. I like the title - even if I've heard it before- and don't take this critique too personally I would have never spent this much time reviewing your piece if I didn't like it at all.