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Forum nameFreestyle Board
Topic subjectDance with the Devil
Topic URLhttp://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=7&topic_id=59477
59477, Dance with the Devil
Posted by ak_reborn, Thu Aug-17-06 06:42 PM

I slow dance,
with the devil,
no signs of romance,
just a lil rebel,
i enhance,
my danger stance,
the piano,
and its high notes,
low notes,
emotion floats,
like a storm hitting a boat,
tempo building adrenaline,
rush is filling him,
with evil thoughts,
he taunts,
but he knows its killing him,
the tone of death,
last words from his last breath,
the perfectly unperfected,
the instrument of death,
the instrument is the depth,
it grapples my throat,
pupil shrinks,
the light is near,
heart full of fear,
when things seem weary,
they begin to seem clear,
crystal clear but its late,
fate draws in,
claws sink into my skin,
my bed is 6 inch pins,
no kin,
no fam to grab my body and keep me safe,
from the vultures that eat me away,
the pain i inflict,
in this ill conflict,
a one on one with the devil,
is as sick as it gets.
59480, RE: Dance with the Devil
Posted by thesignpostdrafter, Thu Aug-17-06 11:06 PM
Ok, this is good for a spoken word performance, but if you are looking to create literary poetry as well- I would dispose of the cliches like the following:

>lil rebel,

>emotion floats,
>like a storm hitting a boat,

Also how can something float like something hitting something. Try:

emotion rages like waves hitting the masthead (just a suggestion)

Whenever you use imagery, it is important to be as specific as possible. God is in the details- and so is the devil ;)

>the perfectly unperfected,

Upon the intial reading of this line, I don't notice the bullshit- feeling of it- I mean what the fuck does that even mean - perfectly unperfected.. I get it . . . it trips off the tongue nicely.. but I can't let that pass without a complaint

I only nit pick, because in a poem every. word. counts.

>crystal clear but its late,

"crystal clear" is a cliche

>claws sink into my skin,

"claws sink" is a cliche

>no fam

well- I sense you are just using this slang for the word family to make your poem rhyme-- but I'll let it pass

>a one on one with the devil,
>is as sick as it gets.

What does "sick as it gets" even mean, really? It's a bullshit phrase we use in small talk. Poetry is about words as power to reveal truth, not words as witty tools to hide emotions in small talk.

Anyway. I like the title - even if I've heard it before- and don't take this critique too personally I would have never spent this much time reviewing your piece if I didn't like it at all.