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Forum nameFreestyle Board
Topic subjectcrowded
Topic URLhttp://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=7&topic_id=58508
58508, crowded
Posted by mindful, Sun Jul-16-06 02:29 PM
she's so close to him,
smelling the tobacco stench
bedded in his mouth, she decides
to turn and face their window. her
hair is matted from years of half-assed
combing and lack of conditioner,
she scratches it
to somehow remove the thought of him.
*it's so crowded in here* she lies
in bed knowing he'll wake up
wanting to play with her pussy
before their alarm sounds. he snores,
calling his ancestors to their room
and closing the space between them;
her only thought is *i got to
get away* chained to him for
6 years and counting, she has
lost her smell. the woman she
once knew has packed herself up
and gone to heights she'll never
reach.

he awakens. arms rustic and tinman-like;
he adjusts the string in his jammies,
slaps his lips together, and pulls
her deep into his chest. she
cannot escape his hold, his grip,
his smell. she cannot escape
this life.

İTremaine L. Loadholt

-----------------------
Pinwheels and Hula Hoops: my book
http://www.lulu.com/content/132318

http://msmind.blogspot.com

no shit in 06.

you should know that
when you smile sincerely
it has a beautiful effect--sunshine
58528, RE: crowded
Posted by Frank Parlous, Sun Jul-16-06 10:55 PM
Damn... this was a vivid picture..
...a story without words...
i hope she gets away
58529, RE: crowded
Posted by maddhghts422, Sun Jul-16-06 11:00 PM
I'm feeling this. You can actually picture her torture. Nice piece!!
58530, Could so see this
Posted by Soulbrotha, Sun Jul-16-06 11:39 PM
visually in my mind..as always..you make me smile with your words :-)
58532, RE: Could so see this
Posted by ms mimi diva, Mon Jul-17-06 01:12 AM
ms. mind strikes again...while it is hot no less!
58553, *smiles* hey now
Posted by mindful, Mon Jul-17-06 05:26 PM
my brother from another mother. thanks for the words.

not too pleased with the turnout of this one, may tweak it here and there, and see if i can be satisfied later... *nods*

-----------------------
Pinwheels and Hula Hoops: my book
http://www.lulu.com/content/132318

http://msmind.blogspot.com

no shit in 06.

you should know that
when you smile sincerely
it has a beautiful effect İsunshine
58554, *smiles* hey now
Posted by mindful, Mon Jul-17-06 05:26 PM
my brother from another mother. thanks for the words.

not too pleased with the turnout of this one, may tweak it here and there, and see if i can be satisfied later... *nods*

-----------------------
Pinwheels and Hula Hoops: my book
http://www.lulu.com/content/132318

http://msmind.blogspot.com

no shit in 06.

you should know that
when you smile sincerely
it has a beautiful effect İsunshine
58533, i love the title
Posted by STIMULI, Mon Jul-17-06 01:47 AM
the subject came across as wretched, claustrophobic...she's caught, and i wonder how she will free herself.


nice
58704, .
Posted by blaksilence, Sun Jul-23-06 09:10 PM
58539, RE: crowded
Posted by rukudzo, Mon Jul-17-06 12:07 PM
this was in high definition the picture was clear so was the feeling i liked it alot

peace
58545, RE: crowded
Posted by invisible ink, Mon Jul-17-06 02:41 PM
he awakens. arms rustic and tinman-like;


that will stay in my mind for a good while....ummmph...kima
58584, RE: crowded
Posted by Giovanni, Tue Jul-18-06 05:10 PM
"her hair is matted...
>she scratches it
>to somehow remove the thought of him."

this right here is a very powerful line.

">*it's so crowded in here* she lies
>in bed knowing he'll wake up
>wanting to play with her pussy
>before their alarm sounds. "

this was kind of raw but it works.

"chained to him for
>6 years and counting, she has
>lost her smell."

another powerful line. i've heard of people losing a part of themselves in relationships. i've often thought of it as a part of the characteristic making space for the other person's, or the willingness to compromise on certain issues. but i've never thought of somebody's smell being another thing that's lost. they get marked by their lover's/partner's scent. that's deep.

58605, thanks for the breakdown gio
Posted by mindful, Wed Jul-19-06 07:42 PM
*nods*

and the read as well.

-----------------------
Pinwheels and Hula Hoops: my book
http://www.lulu.com/content/132318

http://msmind.blogspot.com

no shit in 06.

you should know that
when you smile sincerely
it has a beautiful effect İsunshine
58598, RE: crowded
Posted by D0yenne, Wed Jul-19-06 01:54 PM
"her
hair is matted from years of half-assed
combing and lack of conditioner,
she scratches it
to somehow remove the thought of him.
*it's so crowded in here* she lies
in bed knowing he'll wake up
wanting to play with her pussy
before their alarm sounds. he snores,
calling his ancestors to their room
and closing the space between them;
her only thought is *i got to
get away*"

i found myself holding my breath while reading this!!
i feel like I watched so many women be this woman,
I know I can definitely relate.
You're the shit Ms. Mindful.. No joke. lol.
Thanks for the great read. :)

58601, RE: crowded
Posted by ASIEM, Wed Jul-19-06 07:07 PM
sounds like a new orleans shelter then aagain another ordinary american home too...sad but true
nice capture of an image

"keep pennin till the earth birth's your rightful seed then nurture it wit more ink..."
ASIEM
"Kuun fiyah Kuun" Quran
(Be and it is)
" A writer takes his pen to write the words again that all in love is fair" Stevie Wonder
58607, i'm interested in this Asiem, why
Posted by mindful, Wed Jul-19-06 07:44 PM
new orleans shelter?



-----------------------
Pinwheels and Hula Hoops: my book
http://www.lulu.com/content/132318

http://msmind.blogspot.com

no shit in 06.

you should know that
when you smile sincerely
it has a beautiful effect İsunshine
58613, RE: i'm interested in this Asiem, why
Posted by ASIEM, Wed Jul-19-06 10:12 PM
crowded the stench false sense of security being in a place that kills hope and yet it houses you and in a sick way is a source of reassurance...all of what has happened to the people of new orleans in the shelters each scene you painted just reminded me of it, even the matted hair long lost desire to look better than what is felt
feel me?

"keep pennin till the earth birth's your rightful seed then nurture it wit more ink..."
ASIEM
"Kuun fiyah Kuun" Quran
(Be and it is)
" A writer takes his pen to write the words again that all in love is fair" Stevie Wonder
58634, i was wondering if that's where you were getting
Posted by mindful, Thu Jul-20-06 05:35 PM
and i'm glad i was on thinking the right thing... *nods* thanks for the insight and explanation :-)

-----------------------
Pinwheels and Hula Hoops: my book
http://www.lulu.com/content/132318

http://msmind.blogspot.com

no shit in 06.

you should know that
when you smile sincerely
it has a beautiful effect İsunshine
58612, Motion Picture Associated
Posted by cousin, Wed Jul-19-06 09:04 PM
I like the fact that...
this poem was able...
to take my mind on a brief journey..
through a random womans life,
her situation...
I could even see what she was wearing,its weird...

very cinematic

58617, RE: crowded
Posted by SUPERego, Wed Jul-19-06 11:01 PM
Hey, sweetie. loved the poem, and the blog (right back atcha, hun). See ya soon.
58630, RE: crowded
Posted by OkayPlayerChic, Thu Jul-20-06 01:14 PM
i can relate....sadly...
58638, I thought I responded to this a while ago...
Posted by rubbersoulonice, Thu Jul-20-06 06:10 PM
Things like this make being a man terrifying.

------------------------------
Something like Eldridge
Cleaver meets John Lennon
67928, u aint never lie.
Posted by Foneticcus, Wed May-02-07 10:51 AM
>Things like this make being a man terrifying.
>
>------------------------------
>Something like Eldridge
>Cleaver meets John Lennon
67946, things like this make being a woman, terrifying too nm
Posted by mindful, Wed May-02-07 07:40 PM

-----------------------------------
book1|http://www.lulu.com/content/132318
http://msmind.wordpress.com
http://www.clutchmagazine.com

when will we get the time to
be just friends? İAmy Winehouse
58679, consistent improvement
Posted by blaksilence, Sun Jul-23-06 11:08 AM
if there's one thing that i wish i cld take from you

it's that.

quotes:

>she's so close to him,
>smelling the tobacco stench
>bedded in his mouth, she decides
>to turn and face their window. her
>hair is matted from years of half-assed
>combing and lack of conditioner,
>she scratches it
>to somehow remove the thought of him.
>*it's so crowded in here* she lies
>in bed knowing he'll wake up
>wanting to play with her pussy
>before their alarm sounds. he snores,
>calling his ancestors to their room
>and closing the space between them;
>her only thought is *i got to
>get away* chained to him for
>6 years and counting, she has
>lost her smell. the woman she
>once knew has packed herself up
>and gone to heights she'll never
>reach.
>
>he awakens. arms rustic and tinman-like;
>he adjusts the string in his jammies,
>slaps his lips together, and pulls
>her deep into his chest. she
>cannot escape his hold, his grip,
>his smell. she cannot escape
>this life.
58774, although the scenario is typical
Posted by Ezzsential, Tue Jul-25-06 06:39 PM
u sure brought life to it
and put it on the map!
werd

- I write battle verses to Mariah Carey songs...www.soundclick.com/ezzsentialsoul
www.myspace.com/ezzsentialsoulmusiq
www.myspace.com/ezzsentialsoul
www.webspawner.com/users/delicateaurasoul4/index.html
58804, RE: crowded
Posted by ms mimi diva, Wed Jul-26-06 05:51 AM
Sometimes I feel like I have so much going on in my life, I have no room for me. Thanks for putting this into such a beautiful description.
67701, Obviously ....
Posted by PhotoSynthesis, Wed Apr-25-07 12:04 AM
I was not on the board at the time ^this^ flow was posted -- x( -- *mini~vacation steeze*

Never~The~Less -- I ain't got a problem diggin' in the crates for diamonds & gold -- Or OIL! -- :P


Eureeeeka! -- I've struck oil -- and with gasoline going ^UP^ -- I'd say this pCe is priceless!


~Better Late Than Neva~


67708, sufocating
Posted by jayare214, Wed Apr-25-07 01:40 AM
absolutely suffocating.
you show some vivid scenes.
yeah...
suffocating
-j
miss reading you...
67711, thanks Photo
Posted by mindful, Wed Apr-25-07 05:54 AM
this is actually one of my favorites...

jayare,

miss seeing you... :)
67724, very vivid
Posted by thoughtremedy, Wed Apr-25-07 11:49 AM
i jumped when i finished reading, it was very stirring
excellent piece
67750, RE: crowded
Posted by Nowachaoticthing, Wed Apr-25-07 10:39 PM
Damn what an ugly picture. You have a knack for placing the reader right into the situation... Reading this made me want to help her escape.


"To be a poet is a condition, not a profession."
- Robert Frost

My crappy blog: http://www.livejournal.com/users/eyes_of_mine/

Blind Eye Turning: My book
http://www.lulu.com/content/187759

My other crappy blog:
http://inevitabletruth.blogspot.com/
67932, this...
Posted by Foneticcus, Wed May-02-07 11:10 AM
>chained to him for
>6 years and counting, she has
>lost her smell.

was where the poem started.

those words made me stop.

arresting.

perhaps find a way to set it up in less words, & drag the reader into the still-beating heart as quick as you can? 'cuz that word: "smell"...just so unexpected & poignant.

67947, thanks
Posted by mindful, Wed May-02-07 07:40 PM
eli for the suggestions.


it's just good to see you. *nods*

-----------------------------------
book1|http://www.lulu.com/content/132318
http://msmind.wordpress.com
http://www.clutchmagazine.com

when will we get the time to
be just friends? İAmy Winehouse
67967, RE: crowded
Posted by OrangeLoni, Thu May-03-07 06:33 AM
Tre,

I love your voice and its tone.

I'm so glad to see your words.

It's like a welcome (home) mat.

You're vivid. & Thank you.
67970, And this is the bit that caught my breath
Posted by OrangeLoni, Thu May-03-07 06:41 AM
she scratches it
to somehow remove the thought of him.

68113, wow
Posted by LexAnne, Fri May-11-07 09:01 PM
"chained to him for
6 years and counting, she has
lost her smell. the woman she
once knew has packed herself up
and gone to heights she'll never
reach."

how many of us suffer this fate...

thank god for the poets who can snatch our sistas' thoughts from the night air and put them to paper...




~**~**~**~**~**~
see.omi.write.
http://www.myspace.com/beloved_miscreant