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Forum nameFreestyle Board
Topic subjectRE: one of the first ones, lets get some feedback
Topic URLhttp://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=7&topic_id=58431&mesg_id=58785
58785, RE: one of the first ones, lets get some feedback
Posted by Lex_Roofa, Tue Jul-25-06 09:10 PM
K... I'ma break this down

>"they call me the empire / imma take this city down / know
>the name man, yo im world renowned / you can ask ya girl, i
>get around / whether its over here or uptown /

That don't flow 2 smooth-- that last line you gotta pause or SUMTHIN 2a fill in the blank... That's not a good thing. It's left a lil short

when im done
>this shit'll be a ghost town / the only thing left will be a
>crown / ill put it on my head and laugh / then you'll realize
>who gets the last laugh /

I dunno mayne... when you're performin, I'm pretty sure you don't want anything around you 2a be empty. N the last 2 lines got me thinkin I'm missin sumthin

man you dont know the half of this /
>you'll be sitting there confused, waiting for the mist to lift
>/ when im done with you no one will remember you exist / all
>you see comin at you is a fist /

Aight... This is a lil better. But the next line is juss stranded---
It's a lil break in the verse

oh man check it out, here
>comes the twist /

ill ruin you people over your own beat /
>you need to move over there and stand on the reinforced
>concrete / watch out before ya girl becomes a woman of the
>street / i may be only 16, but i bring the heat / with me
>around, there is no other white meat / ... (lets
>go lets go)

You're stretchin with that concrete line. And you talkin bout beatjackin... haha... And you talkin bout the second pause... where's the first???

>i shine light on everyone like the moon at night / wear some
>eye protection if it gets too bright / im like a gallon of gas
>-- you dont wanna see me ignite / ill blow up like a bomb site
>tonight /

Those first 2 lines is like Kansas... but that ignite line ain't 2 bad.

N Once again you got a stranded line

im a maverick like my name was Dwight /

>dunkin and rebounding over you bastards / come at me you get
>stuck like plaster / im a master of disaster, i cause
>destruction / there really is no need for an introduction /

Readin this it's like... you pausin juss a lil after every line? I dunno... it juss seems like it would be spit that way

>this is the empire boy, ill ruin your day / you'll wanna see
>me get locked away / look man, your tracks are wack / sit back
>and take notes about this lyrical attack /

What's this empire you speakin of? haha My dad's watchin sumthin on the TV n ya know... I dunno what it is

yeah boy, the
>empire just struck back / keep this up and you'll get whacked
>more than Shaq / im the center of attention, no one can post
>me / i come with various styles like popourri /

Empiyyyaaa!!! I'm kinda tired right now... I been outside playin ball and ran like... 1.864 miles earlier today.

your stuff is
>elementary like the ABC's / im sick with it, i already got a
>college degree / this has been talk from a real emcee"

And it was my grandparents' 35th anniversary so I went over to my uncles. We went 2a some Asian buffet n they was rushin me out cuz they had 2a get home 2 feed their newborn--- (Talkin bout my Uncle n Aunt)

>"they ask me, how do you rap without cursing? / well i come
>through in the first with the sickest of verses / takin care
>of y'all people like registered nurses / i burst on the rap
>scene like a bubble / man i dont need a crew - i go no

Speakin of... who's winnin tha AFC West this year?
That ish is gonna be hella tuff.

Your writin reminds me of mine 2 years ago--- Unstructured, each line irrelevant 2 the next... how long you been writin?