Go back to previous topic | Forum name | Freestyle Board | Topic subject | one of the first ones, lets get some feedback | Topic URL | http://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=7&topic_id=58431 |
58431, one of the first ones, lets get some feedback Posted by bbballboy90225, Thu Jul-13-06 04:42 PM
"they call me the empire / imma take this city down / know the name man, yo im world renowned / you can ask ya girl, i get around / whether its over here or uptown / when im done this shit'll be a ghost town / the only thing left will be a crown / ill put it on my head and laugh / then you'll realize who gets the last laugh / man you dont know the half of this / you'll be sitting there confused, waiting for the mist to lift / when im done with you no one will remember you exist / all you see comin at you is a fist / oh man check it out, here comes the twist / ill ruin you people over your own beat / you need to move over there and stand on the reinforced concrete / watch out before ya girl becomes a woman of the street / i may be only 16, but i bring the heat / with me around, there is no other white meat / ... (lets go lets go) i shine light on everyone like the moon at night / wear some eye protection if it gets too bright / im like a gallon of gas -- you dont wanna see me ignite / ill blow up like a bomb site tonight / im a maverick like my name was Dwight / straight dunkin and rebounding over you bastards / come at me you get stuck like plaster / im a master of disaster, i cause destruction / there really is no need for an introduction / this is the empire boy, ill ruin your day / you'll wanna see me get locked away / look man, your tracks are wack / sit back and take notes about this lyrical attack / yeah boy, the empire just struck back / keep this up and you'll get whacked more than Shaq / im the center of attention, no one can post me / i come with various styles like popourri / your stuff is elementary like the ABC's / im sick with it, i already got a college degree / this has been talk from a real emcee"
what does everyone think? ; thats some of the first stuff i ever wrote... and last night i thought of something real quick it goes like this::
"they ask me, how do you rap without cursing? / well i come through in the first with the sickest of verses / takin care of y'all people like registered nurses / i burst on the rap scene like a bubble / man i dont need a crew - i go no huddle"
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58557, RE: one of the first ones, lets get some feedback Posted by bbballboy90225, Mon Jul-17-06 06:35 PM
^
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58564, RE: one of the first ones, lets get some feedback Posted by Frank Parlous, Tue Jul-18-06 03:22 AM
You've come to the right place my friend,
Keep posting and reading and in 6 months re-read this piece and you'll see what i was about to say but didnt because i saw this and wanted to let you know i did because thats important unlike what i almost said cause if i said it it wouldnt be as relevant as when you tell it to yourself 6 months from now
^ up up and away !!! ^
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58705, RE: one of the first ones, lets get some feedback Posted by bbballboy90225, Sun Jul-23-06 10:04 PM
huh? ^^
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58796, RE: HUH? Posted by Grah_fik, Wed Jul-26-06 01:18 AM
Dont be so puzzled. he was saying this shit sucked, but geep working at in 6 months yo shit'll be that much better to where you'll look back at this and say, "hey that shit sucks" . Look at the bright side... it might not take you six months. Stay ^ and, keep posting.
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58783, I had 2a read it a few times... Posted by Lex_Roofa, Tue Jul-25-06 08:49 PM
But... O SHIT!!!
He better have it written down cuz 6 months from now it ain't gon be on these boards... but I know what you're sayin...
But why's it gotta be relevant?
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58785, RE: one of the first ones, lets get some feedback Posted by Lex_Roofa, Tue Jul-25-06 09:10 PM
K... I'ma break this down
>"they call me the empire / imma take this city down / know >the name man, yo im world renowned / you can ask ya girl, i >get around / whether its over here or uptown /
That don't flow 2 smooth-- that last line you gotta pause or SUMTHIN 2a fill in the blank... That's not a good thing. It's left a lil short
when im done >this shit'll be a ghost town / the only thing left will be a >crown / ill put it on my head and laugh / then you'll realize >who gets the last laugh /
I dunno mayne... when you're performin, I'm pretty sure you don't want anything around you 2a be empty. N the last 2 lines got me thinkin I'm missin sumthin
man you dont know the half of this / >you'll be sitting there confused, waiting for the mist to lift >/ when im done with you no one will remember you exist / all >you see comin at you is a fist /
Aight... This is a lil better. But the next line is juss stranded--- It's a lil break in the verse
oh man check it out, here >comes the twist /
ill ruin you people over your own beat / >you need to move over there and stand on the reinforced >concrete / watch out before ya girl becomes a woman of the >street / i may be only 16, but i bring the heat / with me >around, there is no other white meat / ... (lets >go lets go)
You're stretchin with that concrete line. And you talkin bout beatjackin... haha... And you talkin bout the second pause... where's the first???
>i shine light on everyone like the moon at night / wear some >eye protection if it gets too bright / im like a gallon of gas >-- you dont wanna see me ignite / ill blow up like a bomb site >tonight /
Those first 2 lines is like Kansas... but that ignite line ain't 2 bad.
N Once again you got a stranded line
im a maverick like my name was Dwight /
straight >dunkin and rebounding over you bastards / come at me you get >stuck like plaster / im a master of disaster, i cause >destruction / there really is no need for an introduction /
Readin this it's like... you pausin juss a lil after every line? I dunno... it juss seems like it would be spit that way
>this is the empire boy, ill ruin your day / you'll wanna see >me get locked away / look man, your tracks are wack / sit back >and take notes about this lyrical attack /
What's this empire you speakin of? haha My dad's watchin sumthin on the TV n ya know... I dunno what it is
yeah boy, the >empire just struck back / keep this up and you'll get whacked >more than Shaq / im the center of attention, no one can post >me / i come with various styles like popourri /
Empiyyyaaa!!! I'm kinda tired right now... I been outside playin ball and ran like... 1.864 miles earlier today.
your stuff is >elementary like the ABC's / im sick with it, i already got a >college degree / this has been talk from a real emcee"
And it was my grandparents' 35th anniversary so I went over to my uncles. We went 2a some Asian buffet n they was rushin me out cuz they had 2a get home 2 feed their newborn--- (Talkin bout my Uncle n Aunt) > >
> >"they ask me, how do you rap without cursing? / well i come >through in the first with the sickest of verses / takin care >of y'all people like registered nurses / i burst on the rap >scene like a bubble / man i dont need a crew - i go no >huddle"
Speakin of... who's winnin tha AFC West this year? That ish is gonna be hella tuff.
Your writin reminds me of mine 2 years ago--- Unstructured, each line irrelevant 2 the next... how long you been writin?
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58803, RE: one of the first ones, lets get some feedback Posted by ms mimi diva, Wed Jul-26-06 05:49 AM
Not a diss to the cussers but my mother always said it takes more imagination to curse someone out without using profanity. I think the worst one I heard is "It wouldn't be worth the spit to curse you."
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