because they seem to me a crippling disease
causing me to rail against and fail in anxt
seize up from my guts and freeze
even though it runs my blood hot like 3000 degrees
stiffling my appreciation for existance with stipulations against ease
capitulating over my needs
vexed impatience over my expectations
would that I could be rid of them to live and taste life as a refreshing breeze
to turn a hurricane soul and meet her again whole
instead I become unhinged to be opened because
failed expectations are like locks without any keys.

you know the musical starring fools and all that serves no use at all except the box office and the curtain call
you get hurt and fall
just desserts the order tall
bust in spurts the little death so small
something to taste and enjoy while before the big one we stall
Death destined and written in our intestines like liquid investments
of memories and thoughts consumer testements to the value and verity of our own self assesments
in others minds held against their own wealth of estimates
you exist longer than you live and somehow you want those you love to live on and sustain your life and memory with only the best of it's blessed bits...
... and yet there always is at least some messed up shit/

yea man:

>you know the musical starring fools and all that serves no
>use at all except the box office and the curtain call
>you get hurt and fall
>just desserts the order tall
>bust in spurts the little death so small
>something to taste and enjoy while before the big one we
>stall
>Death destined and written in our intestines like liquid
>investments
>of memories and thoughts consumer testements to the value and
>verity of our own self assesments
>in others minds held against their own wealth of estimates
>you exist longer than you live and somehow you want those you
>love to live on and sustain your life and memory with only the
>best of it's blessed bits...
>... and yet there always is at least some messed up shit/

would that I could be rid of them to live and taste life as a refreshing breeze
to turn a hurricane soul and meet her again whole
instead I become unhinged to be opened because
failed expectations are like locks without any keys.

*nods* Peace~

-----------------------
Pinwheels and Hula Hoops: my book
http://www.lulu.com/content/132318

http://msmind.blogspot.com

no shit in 06.

to live life as a refreshing breaze...

that truely is a sad thought

must hit hard

because I'm not sure it's the same as what it meant to me.

>because they seem to me a crippling disease
>causing me to rail against and fail in anxt
>seize up from my guts and freeze
>even though it runs my blood hot like 3000 degrees
>stiffling my appreciation for existance with stipulations
>against ease
>capitulating over my needs
>vexed impatience over my expectations
>would that I could be rid of them to live and taste life as a
>refreshing breeze
>to turn a hurricane soul and meet her again whole
>instead I become unhinged to be opened because
>failed expectations are like locks without any keys.

"Please" in the title of a poem(or even a rap) is off-putting. It makes one think you are begging the audience to read it, which never bodes well of the author. Anxt is spelled angst, I assume you know this, and just added the X for a 2006 EXTREME DEW effect.

{I'm sorry if I'm a sarcastic bitch, but I honestly think my critique can be somewhat helpful}

I liked how you used a lot of three-syllable words for rhythmic effect of the poem. The point of good rap, song lyrics, or poetry are words used most effectively to evoke a desired feeling within the reader/or listener- IMO. Unfortunately, the feeling these words give me are---
"I thought big words would make this sound more important." It's only because the words don't feel organic to the emotional current of the poem. Every time you write, you should ask yourself why must these words be shared, now? And if you don't have a good answer you probably are just ranting and/or full of BS. I know all too well.

The first line is definitely not grammatically correct in any way shape, or form, which is fine if you have a friggin Pulitzer. For anonymous, unestablished "word artist", it makes people stop paying attention when they lose track of the flow because of grammar errors.


*****************************
I'm a dirty, dirty humanist.

~ pUHLEEZ----- PG = Pulitzer Garaunteed

so you didn't like the words "stipulation" and "capitualation" huh seeemed like I was showing off big words ... lol

ummm I do appreciate an honest critic though.. I want to ask what you thought the peice said? and if there was anything you liked about it?

*looks in your backpack for something a little more constructive*

doesn't rest in one place.

>even though it runs my blood hot like 3000 degrees
>stiffling my appreciation for existance with stipulations

>vexed impatience over my expectations
>would that I could be rid of them to live and taste life as a
>refreshing breeze
>to turn a hurricane soul

>instead I become unhinged to be opened because
>failed expectations are like locks without any keys.


i relate
i'm far from that place
of being in the state to regulate her disposal
i'm gone from her distant proposal
my mother's model
i have no children because of this modem
i can't connet
no disrespect
but its just something i haven't decided to take on next...




but i feel this

"And every one must be awakened, and everyone must be destroyed....And, once he is through, things again will assume their proper aspect; he will se that mere illusion were the things that seemed so real, and he will be fortified against the new trials that await him."