The following is a true story, a diary of the events that took place Friday, January 25th, the opening day of the film.

Meet the Spartans: A Test of Endurance by Frank Longo:

3:10 PM- I'm suiting up for the 3:30 showing of Meet the Spartans on opening day. I order my ticket for There Will Be Blood on Fandango.com, with full intentions of giving these people no money. But they draw me like a moth to the flame. It's a phenomenon critics fail to understand. Stupid people make up a large chunk of America, and they desire the lowest common denominator. I am bringing a notepad and taking extensive notes on the "gags" the film provides, and hoping to emerge unscathed. My Date Movie observations did not go smoothly, but I survived with my brain in tact: http://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=6&topic_id=153847&mesg_id=153847&listing_type=search. This one looks far far worse. Pray for me as I enter the abyss.

3:20 PM- The theatre is divided into two halves. There Will Be Blood is on the left, Meet the Spartans is on the right. I wonder what Robert Frost might say.

3:22 PM- I go to the bathroom, and take an enormous shit. I begin to think this could be an omen. Then I turn to the toilet paper-- both rolls are brand new, and I have a great deal of difficulty finding the end of the first piece. Then, when I flush, it doesn't all go away. I flush again, yet still the toilet is not yet clean. I see this as a giant metaphor for what I am about to put myself through.

3:30 PM- I enter the theater. 12 people are already seated inside. By my count, there are 3 women, 11 people college-age and under, and 12 white people. The advertising campaigns are hitting the desired demographic perfectly.

3:35 PM- An old man enters the theater and sits alone. I wonder what his life was like, what led him down this path, and what his motivation was on a Friday afternoon to come see a film like this. Perhaps he is me 50 years from now, continuing to be curious as to how bad films can get. I share in his sadness.

3:37 PM- A mother and her 11-year-old daughter enter. I feel an enormous urge to yell, "TURN AROUND!!" I resist, and through non-intervention, I become an accomplice to a cinematic crime.

3:38 PM- The first trailer is for Be Kind Rewind. I realize that my laughter will probably end shortly after this trailer. I also realize I've been mentally preparing myself for this film for weeks without knowing it. I've been watching nothing but 2007 awards contenders, all terrific American films that PTP has recommended and praised. I am as high on American cinema as I can be right now. It wasn't just because I held out hope for a truly great time in recent cinematic history-- no, I was like the ant who was collecting food to survive before a long, cold, unfunny winter.

3:41 PM- Now we're talking. No one laughed at the first trailer. But now that Larry the Cable Guy's new film has a trailer rolling, people are HOWLING. The audience actually laughs at the line, "Are you insane???" "No, I'm Larry!" Bonus: this film co-stars Eric Roberts. It's called Witless Protection, and I hear one college-age dude say at the end of the trailer to his friends, "I've GOTTA see that!"

3:44 PM- I thought the Larry the Cable Guy film looked bad... and then a preview began for a kickboxing/martial-arts film. It's like Fast and the Furious... except with kickboxing. A good-looking new guy comes to town and joins this crew of kickboxers... but then the leader sees the new guy flirting with his girl, and beats him up, finishing him off with the line, "The bad news is... it's gotta end with you lookin like a bitch." KICK! This flick looks so fucking bad. And oh yeah, DJIMON HOUNSOU IS IN IT. He's playing the Mr. Miyagi to this good guy as he trains more, saying things like, "Everyone has their fight." I groaned about ten times in the two minute preview. It's called Never Back Down.

3:48 PM- Another fucking trailer. It begins with "From the executive producers of The Grudge and The Ring." And it has to do with spirit photography. Yes, there are blurry people in photos. Yes, there are spirits that move jerkily. And yes, there are creepy little Asian girls.

3:51 PM- FINALLY THE FILM IS BEGINNING. They've already worn down my defenses with their front line of shitty previews. I hold my Mike and Ikes in one hand and my Coke in the other. I'm ready to stare down whatever they've got.

3:52 PM- The film is 1 minute in, and yes, we already have a Baby Shrek from Shrek 3 saying it wants to suck a teat, we have green projectile vomit, and we have a gag about Brangelina adopting Vietnamese babies. I remind myself that this is only the first minute, but I'm pessimistic since I'm so busy not laughing that my Mike and Ikes are nearly gone.

3:53 PM- A Casino Royale parody bombs, since there's a bad guy hitting Leonidas's balls and calling him "Mr. Bond," while Leonidas keeps saying "My name's not Bond!" Once when he gets hit in the nuts, he yells, "Little Miss Sunshine!" Note to self: saying the name of a movie when getting hit in the nuts isn't necessarily funny.

3:57 PM- A dancing penguin comes out. Leonidas says "He has happy feet," you know, just in case you missed the dancing penguin reference. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, this is funny, wait for it-- the penguin speaks like an ANGRY SLANG-TALKING BLACK MAN! He says, "I'm bout ta make you my bitch, cracka!" The fight scene between the penguin and Leonidas lasts literally 4 minutes. If you think this isn't long, try counting out 240 seconds aloud.

3:58 PM- Carmen Electra's character enters. She of course enters to a sexy rap song, sucking a lollipop, with lots of slow motion shots of her tits and ass, and her tongue wrapping around the lollipop. This is by miles and miles the best part of the film so far. She then reveals a chastity belt that requires a combination to unlock, in a gag so blatantly stolen from Mel Brooks that I almost yelled in the theater. My candy AND coke are gone already. I begin to feel very alone. Only six minutes have passed.

4:00 PM- Leonidas hits his small child. In slow motion. A lot. For 2 and a half minutes. Note to self: What's funny on America's Funniest Home Videos is only funny cuz the videos are about 10 seconds long.

4:03 PM- HOLY SHIT, JACKIE CHILES IS XERXES' MESSENGER. This is the first time I smile in the entire film. Then Carmen Electra says she likes to do it with big black dudes, and he tells Leonidas, "Dawg, your wife's a ho." The smile fades.

4:04 PM- Ah yes, the pit of death sequence. We knew this was coming. There's literally an entire minute of Britney Spears shtick before she's kicked in. Is that funny? If it's not, then K-Fed gets kicked in next. Then Sanjaya, who gets kicked in as the little girl crying in that one episode (talk about a very moment specific gag!) is in the background. Still not funny? Some American Idol judge impersonators judge Leonidas on his performance, and they get kicked in. Then a Ryan Seacrest impersonator jumps into the pit, as he yells "Seacrest out!" This all takes five minutes of the film, a.k.a. an entire third of the film up to this point.

4:09 PM- The oracle is Ugly Betty. That's the joke. The joke is that Ugly Betty is the oracle. Or maybe the joke is Ugly Betty is in Sparta, and that's funny. I'm really not sure how simply mentioning Ugly Betty is funny. She then says to Leonidas, "Save the cheerleader, save the world." He says, "I'm not that into Heroes." Again, I focused in REALLY hard looking for a joke, but then I came to the conclusion that the joke is simply that they're mentioning other movies. I immediately realize that I could do this for a living, and grow optimistic about my chances of being rich and famous.

4:12 PM- Leonidas and Carmen Electra wanna "do it." So they show lots of footage of them doing what looks like sex, and when they pull back you realize he's benchpressing her. These are just some of the greatest hits of gags I'm touching on here.

4:14 PM- Kevin Sorbo appears. God bless him, he's trying. But his first joke is introducing his son, who has a big package. The son enters, and sure enough, he is carrying a large box. Ha. Ha. Ha........ Ha.

4:15 PM- Some America's Next Top Model judge impersonators judge how Kevin Sorbo's son looks. This is the second reality TV show judging parody. I start looking around the theater for the exit signs. All is not well.

4:17 PM- Diedrich Bader... God bless him, he's trying. He's given gags like text messaging Xerxes "Spartans goin south OMG ROTFL". The Spartans all hold hands and start skipping around, singing.... wait for it.... I Will Survive. I begin to think that this is my own personal Battle of Thermopylae.

4:18 PM- I've failed to mention til now the ENORMOUS AMOUNT of product placement in this film. Early on, there's a sequence involving a Subway sandwich. Now, there's a fake Gatorade commercial, where the Spartans sweat blue. Conversely, the fat kid is eating... KRISPY KREME DONUTS! Every time there's a blatant product placement, it makes me want to protest those products (but fuck that, I could use a Krispy Kreme right now for some energy).

4:19 PM- Paris Hilton appears as a hunchback. My first quasi-laugh is Kevin Sorbo laughing about how he saw the Paris Hilton sex tape, simply because the idea of this dude watching the Paris Hilton sex tape is mildly humorous for some reason. Maybe this film is simply killing my sense of humor. The Paris Hilton shtick (played by the same girl who played Britney) goes on for literally two and a half minutes. And they end the bit with the same joke as they ended the Britney gag with: a blurred crotch shot. Get it? Because they show off their hoohahs! I find myself wishing I was watching the Larry the Cable Guy movie.

4:22 PM- Method Man shows up as a Persian. Leonidas says, "We bout to Stomp the Yard!" They begin stepping, which they turns into breakdancing. There aren't gags, just a lot of Persians and Spartans breakdancing.

4:26 PM- Oh my God, they're still dancing.

4:27 PM- Someone finally turns off the iPod (plug, plug, plug), and Leonidas says, "You got SERVED." Then, some Dancing With the Stars judge impersonators show up and judge Leonidas on his dancing. THIS IS THE THIRD REALITY SHOW JUDGE BIT. NONE OF THEM HAVE GOTTEN LAUGHS SO FAR. HAND ME A GUN, WE'RE NOT EVEN AN HOUR IN.

4:29 PM- A two-minute bit sending up Budweiser (plug, plug, plug) commercials for Real Men of Genius: The War Mongering Latent Homosexual just ended. Might have been a halfway decent SNL sketch if it were shorter, better written, and funny.

4:32 PM- The fat guy from Borat is Xerxes. He's introduced as "Xerxes, who looks like the fat guy from Borat." He then plays Deal or No Deal with Leonidas for a minute and a half. Guys, I can't make this stuff up.

4:34 PM- I'm now feeling ill. They have now been doing a parody of MTV's Yo Mama for two whole minutes. Kevin Sorbo says, "Yo mama's so dumb, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday! OHHHHHHHH!" This is the second time Kevin Sorbo made me quasi-laugh. But again, it's only because these lines are being said by Kevin Sorbo. I wish the whole movie was Kevin Sorbo. I literally don't feel well, and I don't think it's the Mike and Ikes.

4:35 PM- The chills down Xerxes' spine are caused by... DENTYNE ICE!!

4:36 PM- Carmen Electra says, "I have crabs." Cut to a shot of her panty-laden crotch, and yes, little tiny crabs are crawling all over it. I begin thinking of the ways PTP could put together a parody film about a thousand times more clever than this one.

4:39 PM- WHAT. THE. FUCK. I just endured another 2 and a half minutes of Paris Hilton shtick. IT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY.

4:40 PM- OMG there's a blind Spartan and he runs into shit! ROFLCOPTER LOLZ!

4:42 PM- I haven't mentioned this... because the Spartans are latent homosexuals (I smell a comedic goldmiiiiine!), they hold hands and skip everywhere they go. This gag got one laugh from my audience the first time. The ensuing ten times were met with silence. Even this audience, who loves Larry the Cable Guy, think this shit is D-U-M.

4:44 PM- If you think old men saying "Let's make it rain!" and throwing dollar bills at Carmen Electra is funny, then you'll LOOOOVE "MEET THE SPARTANS!" Rated PG-13!

4:46 PM- Don't ask me to explain. Carmen Electra becomes Venom and Diedrich Bader turns into Sandman. They fight. For two minutes. I begin to understand what Marlow went through in Heart of Darkness.

4:49 PM- Ghost Rider shows up to a fight, and gets his head fire extinguished. Didn't that movie not do great? The fuck are they parodying that for?

4:51 PM- Kevin Sorbo, in order to kill Rocky, injects him with a huge Botox needle into his head. This doesn't shrink his head, or result in any sight gag. Rocky just keels over and dies, face looking absolutely normal. I guess they just wanted to reference Botox, and thought that'd be funny enough. They imagine some young friends, going "Haha! Man, they killed Rocky with Botox! Oh shit, bro, awesome! *high fives all around*"

4:53 PM- Remember the movie The Beach, where everything turns to video game mode? Remember how fucking weird is was there? Well, this time, the battle at Hot Gates turns into "Grand Theft Auto: Hot Gates." Yes, he beats someone with a crowbar to collect money. Yes, someone drives by and he steals their car. Yes, he turns Barbie Girl on the radio for 20 seconds and sings along.... whoa whoa whoa, what the fuck? That's right, they can't even get a fucking GTA parody RIGHT, let alone make it funny. Oh yeah, and a tattoo that says San Andreas shows up on Leonidas' stomach for no reason. I'm hoping that this is the grand finale.

4:55 PM- That wasn't the grand finale. The fat guy from Borat finds the Allspark. (all together now... *groooooan*) He touches it, and a car appears. Uhhh.... wat? http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/6/67/Wat.jpg Then, fat guy from Borat and the car meld together to make a half-human, half-Transformer... or something. He has a TV on his stomach that plays the "Leave Britney Alone!" video. Luckily, the robot unplugs himself... or something. They all die.

4:56 PM- I'll give you a million Longo Dollars if you can guess how the blind Spartan recognizes Carmen Electra!

4:58 PM- The film ends with the Spartans going to Malibu, they knock over Lindsay Lohan, and yes, a pixelated crotch shot for the third time is the joke they choose to end the movie on.

5:00 PM- The credits roll, and the characters all sing "I Will Survive" on the American Idol stage. There's a brief interlude where Britney Spears sings the song and dances a la the infamous MTV appearance. I don't stay to watch all the credits, but I catch several credits for celebrity impersonations that don't end up in the film, sucn as President Bush, Ellen DeGeneres, Rambo, and Dane Cook. I leave wondering if the Dane Cook impression would've been the one laugh I might've had during the film.

5:10 PM- I come home and take a shower, eat some ice cream, and feel ready to write my review. My fellow PTPers... don't see this film. There's a hundred better movies available from 2007 alone. Shit, go see Untraceable if you're looking to see a bad movie. Just don't see this one. It's not even fun for people that like bad movies.

I did this for you, PTP. Don't ever say your mod doesn't love you.

Sincerely yours,
Frank Longo