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So here I am. 3:16am in new york city in my hotel room. listening to jam and lewis laugh in the cans (headphones) of an orgasmic janet. I have an early day tomorow. so why am I watching the dreaded late 80's over-moused snl rerun on comedy central, writing about of all things: janet?

The same janet I cried for when chip fields backed her in a corner with that grandma iron in her right hand......

The same janet that friggin grinded with willis jackson to shalamar on nbc wednesdays (not to mention crooning to ''ebony an ivory'' some weeks later with dana plato making it a trio)

Before you start this, realize that I'm not one of those cats who are gonna go on reminiscing about how the jacksons were the shit back in the day and get all self righteous wit my bad sef.

Nope. This woman staring at me with those ross-ass white teeth (not Diana, but in reference to my favorite ''friends'' episode involving a jealous dentist ex-boyfriend and an overdose of fluoride) smiling on the cover for the first time since....

Since...janet Jackson and dream street. The two albums of hers that they all but had a memorial for in remembrance. Imagine if I tried to wipe ''organix'' out of existence like it never came out -hey wait a minute wasn't ''from the ground up'' my sophomore release? oops.

Okay... 'nuff rambling. What about the friggin album?!?!?

I admit I knew all eyes were on me as I wandered into virgin megastore at times square. And there at the display were about 8 trlites hogging the janet display. how did purchasing this record equate buying a black tail in front of ma dukes or condoms from a drug store you used to frequent as a kid? because of my nervousness of losing what credibility I have with music lovers I actually upped krs-one's record sales (whose display was right next to hers) because I needed a valid excuse to purchase this ''all for you'' cd. perhaps it was a convo I had with a few music snobs who scoffed when I slyly suggested that I wanted to know if virgin was having a midnight sale of janet's album. The silence was deafening. Was I muttering ''siiiiiiike!!!!!'' a mere 2 seconds later? true to adult video rental form I ran straight to the jazz section and got 3 hank mobley records and some freddy hubbard cd's and casually slipped my krs and janet (2 artists who released their most ground breaking work in 86/87) discs in the basket. hoping to go unnoticed. once in the safety of the cab I opened the plastic faster than the speed of sound. ahhhh...together again. for the eighth time. The only pop artist I listen to like an ''artist's artist'' ('93's ''the body that loves you'' is still a masterpiece) and as I was conducting my 30 second scan I was shocked as fuck that my main man mike made an unbilled cameo on ''son of a gun'' god damn!!!!

Oh no

That's not michael Jackson. That's friggin carly simon!!!!!! Why does she sound like him? Or vice versa? Why is this janet's ''money'' (mike's seethin diatribe from 95's his-story to the greedy bastards who set him up in 93). And one look at the lyric sheet and I know exactly who this song is about. Just scan the lyrics:

-thought you'd get the money
-eat it
-gigolo
-sleezy
-stupid motherfucker
-victim
-throw you out
-stupid bitch in my beachouse
-make you suffer

Hmmmm wonder who she could be talking bout?

Much to my chagrin once I gave it a full listen I was....

Hmmmm what was I?

I dunno. My confusion in writing a comprehensive review is sorta like listening to this record. I applaud her growth as an artist. But-what's this prose shit? These ''hey baby'' remakes that open and close each song (y'all remember ''hey baaaaabe ya'll aint recording this are you?'')-where are my sure fire hooks? Verses with actual melody? For all the bitchin about ''voodoo'' I can't find one song with the melodic seduction of ''when I think of you''. sheeeeit or even ''he doesn't even know that I'm alive'' (classic 80's funk)----hell even 82's ''come give your love to me''. What I mean is pre s&m Janet's music was music in which you could actually program on your two way pager (and yes Janet beat all hip hoppers to the the punch by making ''all for you'' via her 2 way alert an actual song selection)

Not that these songs are bad or anything. But songs that wear like a tattoo are what made janet a relevant figure over all these broads. And now here we have a situation in which... well I think she can't afford to play ''artiste'' while young starlets of trl are throwing spears and rocks at her history. Pop is not bad. Hell even mindless pop is not bad. But while janet retreads old ground, brittiney is planning jan's coup de tat (she lost her post ''let's wait awhile'' virginity 4 albums ago on ''someday is tonight'') I swear if she has one more orgasm on wax, she will grow hair on her palms. Truth be told the most honest moment is on ''truth''. A song whose subject matters leads me to believe that the poor soul (let's just call him ''Rambo''-where's carly been hiding? Do any of you post thriller kids even know who that name belongs to?) who got beat down a song before on ''son of a gun'' gets an earnest talking to. Sorta like a moment of rest after a kickboxing match. Early press releases suggested that this was a light hearted pop ditty (based on ''doesn't really matter'' from nutty professor 2 and the hornyliscious Luther inspired title cut) but this reads more like the female half of Fleetwood Mac's rumors. And it ain't a pretty sight. (a scorned woman of course).

At 35 I hope she finds what she's looking for. Hell that's some ballsy shit for me to say. How do I know that she's not found what she's looking for? According to prince freedom is a beautiful thang. And the results of such freedom?: ''emancipation'' ''new power soul'' and ''rave n2 the joy fantastic.''

Ahem.

So if I'm to believe that this new work is the new sound of freedom ringing. Then janet...

GO TO JAIL. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200,000,000 DOLLARS...

I'm sorry miss Jackson. I am for real......