long story short, my mama got caught up in what was the DC 80s drug epidemic. It got bad for her quick.

sidenote: i got like ~14 younger bros and sis. all younger. abt 7 on each side (mom/dad). i know/knew all but one on each side (i got a sister by my dad that's not to much younger than me, but we have never met or spoke - i know her mama name, that's it).

but the brother on my mom's side: given up for adoption because he was born w/ drugs in his system. we all knew his name, always mentioned him at random moments, but never knew him or where he was.

got an aunt who is heavy on the ancestry shit. she found him.

very quickly my bros and sis on my mom's side got w/ him, threw him in the group chat, planned a meet-up, etc.

this nigga tho.

already asking for money. like each of us individually. nigga asked in the group chat for $13 so he can get food. my lil sis said i gotchu, but i had already asked for his cashapp info. do you know this nigga texted me directly and said " already spent the money i needed, so anything you send i'm gonna spend on weed".

BRUH.

like, i always appreciate honesty and upfrontness, but this nigga ain't abt to use us for money.

so that's where we at. supposed to meet-up collectively next month for my gma bday (she's boosted af, btw), but we worried this nigga only trying to use us.

what to do? how to handle?

(i didn't respond in a timely manner to the initial direct texts. then the nigga texted back and said he needed money for "diapers". i sent $20. fuck it, worse come to worst, i can charge $20 to the game. this nigga didn't even say thank you.)

my other bro talked to him one-on-one and said that dude has been through some shit, which is not hard to believe, but where does that leave us as the long-lost siblings? not our responsibility to make up for lost time, right? esp if it involves money, right?! my sis made a great point in saying that we empathize, but this nigga need to know that we all single parents and ain't tryn to add another bill.

just not sure how to handle him or the situation.

wanted to vent abit.

love y'all, hope all is well w/ you & yours-

Damn I am sorry to hear this

I have no advice but he's essentially a stranger. I'm not giving nobody money regardless of their honesty or transparency. Get a job, my brother

since he is adopted he sees yall as a bunch of strangers who owe him for all that time missed.

Good luck, he is going to act a fool at the meet up. Be ready.

antennas is up fs.

I probably wouldn't give any money before I'd actually met dude in person.

Can I ask how old is he? Because born in the 80s... to me, means you're too old to be asking people you don't even really know for money. So, I'd wanna know what his actual life circumstances are/were before I started with the hand outs.

thirty something.

>Because born in the 80s... to me, means you're too old to be asking people you don't even really know for money. So, I'd wanna know what his actual life circumstances are/were before I started with the hand outs.

i'ma get him drunk and talking lol.

as much for yourself as anything. You can't force these type of things to go one way or the other.

I have friends/fam I'd never loan money to. They never ask anymore. It's not all gravy, but even then it's friendly when I see them.

It's all gonna be highly dependent on how much dude wants to be around if you're not coming out of your pocket though. I hope the best for you and the fam.

My daughter had a half brother she never met killed by police late last year. She never really got the chance to find out if he was trifling or not.

"Get ready....for your blessing....."
"Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"

the way you do that would depend on if you have a desire to build a relationship with him.

if the answer is no, then just stop sending him money. say no every time he asks. Period, end of story.

if you have some desire to cultivate a genuine connection and maybe even help him in some way, then i suggest having an actual honest convo and LEAD with your own vulnerability...

like tell him exactly what you telling us...how while you want to help, the way he's been asking for money doens't sit well with you as you don't want to be used or taken advantage of...or maybe how you want to help and are happy to discuss other ways that don't require money..etc etc (obviously using words that represent your actual feelings)

he may or may not respond vulnerably in kind..which is fine. you can just let him know that you're offering a genuine/honest connection and he can reach out if that's something that he would value or want ...but that you won't be used etc etc and the boundaries that you require

d


"i do more for both our communities than you'll ever know." - Heinz
"But rest assured, in my luxurious house built on the backs of people darker than me, I am sipping fine scotch and scoffing at how stupid you are." - bshelly

Start asking him for money.

My grandpa has a “maybe”, too. Everyone gets so uneasy about setting up wills and all that, we get about 5 sentences into the convo before a joke changes the subject.

>just not sure how to handle him or the situation.

Might be cold, but it is what it is. Sounds like he's trying to leech. Giving him money is just gonna encourage him to ask for more.

Man in his 30s/40s+ is too old to be asking people for $20.

we added a new aunt (thanks for that granddad) and cousin (actually a lot of cousins but I've only met / interacted with one)

...she's a trumper

but also, (again, thanks granddad), she's an adoptee, following her adoptive family. now here I am like "yo your politics and religion are dumb"

it's tough


www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

who pops on feeds sometimes ranting..

shit doesn’t seem real. Its weird.

like "here's a post they don't want you to see about ivermectin!"

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

I don't think so in a specific way or anything? she seems to kind of have the life she wants to have, and we connected because she was trying to find her family (she also had to find her mom, but found us first I think)

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

long story short as an adult he got caught up in substance abuse, mooched off family on various levels for years to the point where almost everyone cut off contact with him, we still communicate sporadically, sometimes I send him money, sometimes I don't

and asked my wife for money on her way out.

didn’t even come to the funeral

I got another older female cousin who has no fucking shame. Will ask for anything from anyone on FB. Rest of the family can’t stand her begging ass

and here is the kicker. She gets 4k a month in disabilities.. damn near no rent.. and still begs for shit.

I just found out about the 4K at our aunts funeral.

No fucking shame.

My uncle is the family historian and he loaded up his DNA she popped up.

My mom was at first taken aback because it meant her dad who she idealized was a cheater. And then they had to wrestle with whether he or my grandmother ever even knew if she existed (she was put up for adoption by the mother)

I talked to her first before my mom...and it's a miracle because she turned out to be almost perfect. Super accomplished and educated and sweet and really slid right into our family. It's especially bitter sweet because my mom just lost her only sister a couple of years prior.

It has been a true blessing.



**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

I’m from a small town with a tight knit Black community so the elders always know all these secrets that the younger generation has no idea about.

But as you get older, you find out more, and then you think back on some of the shit that was said to you that made no sense and now you care connecting shit like the detective looking at the board behind him.

I found out years back that my grandfather was someone else. My grandparents split up for a few and then got back together. When I finally confessed this secret to a close friend a few years ago, he tells me a whole lot more about this secret.

Because parents and elders talk and tell as you become an adult.

My dad was in the hospital and he says “I need to tell you something”

and I stopped him, told him I already knew.. he didn’t even remember that we all got together and met one time when I first found out as a kid. It fucked with my dad so much when HE found out he started drinking heavy. Whole time I thought my dad was just wildin but he was fighting demons with being the only child of 8 that had a different father.

and it fucks with me because I’m looking at alllllll this family I have that I know loves me, bjt also knew.. and never told me, because it wasn’t their story to tell…

and every family in our town has some story or family tree with a branch that ain’t what you think it is..

>I’m from a small town with a tight knit Black community so
>the elders always know all these secrets that the younger
>generation has no idea about.
>
>But as you get older, you find out more, and then you think
>back on some of the shit that was said to you that made no
>sense and now you care connecting shit like the detective
>looking at the board behind him.
>
>I found out years back that my grandfather was someone else.
>My grandparents split up for a few and then got back together.
>When I finally confessed this secret to a close friend a few
>years ago, he tells me a whole lot more about this secret.
>
>Because parents and elders talk and tell as you become an
>adult.
>
>My dad was in the hospital and he says “I need to tell you
>something”
>
>and I stopped him, told him I already knew.. he didn’t even
>remember that we all got together and met one time when I
>first found out as a kid. It fucked with my dad so much when
>HE found out he started drinking heavy. Whole time I thought
>my dad was just wildin but he was fighting demons with being
>the only child of 8 that had a different father.
>
>and it fucks with me because I’m looking at alllllll this
>family I have that I know loves me, bjt also knew.. and never
>told me, because it wasn’t their story to tell…
>
>and every family in our town has some story or family tree
>with a branch that ain’t what you think it is..

All true about family secrets and things you don't understand as a child and don't start to figure out until you're an adult.

on a lighter note, I remember my dad telling me a secret about a girl I knew.

She was fine af.. my dad said, Imma let you in on a secret, her momma used to look like that too when she was her age.

Hell nah..

yup.. look at their momma, that will let you know what you could be facing later in life

sure nuff..

No one at the table, fortunately, but family we had no idea got down like that. The family trees in that tiny town are fuckin tied together multiple times over, excluding the Mexican population that’s been growing there.

my dad died 3 years ago. my dad was 19 when he was born and he was raised by our aunt in Jamaica.

i asked my mom if she knows anything about his mom. she was like "I don't know anything about her. And I don't want to know anything about her. I heard a rumor that she is his (my father's) Uncle's wife."

I want to find out if this is true, but I'm too chicken to ask my brother.

My dad tells me that his father was living with 2 women (married to one of them) and got both of them pregnant.

One day I said “why havent I ever seem his mom and my dad goes.. “oh, lemme tell you about that”

my bro (next youngest under me) just sent this text:

-bruh

me: what's up?

-this

(he proceeds to send me a screenshot of his direct texts w/ adopt-a-bro)

"hypothetically speaking, if i chose to stay, can i stay with you for a while until i get something going or end up back home"

WTF.

mind you i bought this mofo a ROUND TRIP ticket from jax to va and back.

he using that gotdamn ticket.

don’t let that man borrow a car, bike or anything you value

he aint coming back for a few days if he does

"yoo

a pipe just burst in my house. i gotta get a hotel for a few nights. i'm 20 short on a week....

can someone please help me"

my instinct is to block the number.

i'm not sending this mofo any more money.

goddamnit.

lol, I wouldn't send that, but that's what I thought in my head. Blocking might be a good idea for your emotional sanity.

He has a lot of bad luck, apparently.

im the oldest, and ive always given my siblings/ coudins what they want when they ask even when i know they’re full of shit.

im also HEAVY into ancestry research so im a sucker for when i actually get someone receptive to the research and willing to connect

it's barely been a fucking week.

My brother was locked on a 3 strike rule when he was born. BM would request money for baby milk, diapers etc. First time I sent cash but she turned around too quick to ask for more so I decided to purchase at walmart for her to pick up whatever he needed. Worked out.

She could try to sale the diapers, baby bottles etc etc but she’s going to work like an 80’s Amway salesperson to make a small profit.

Long/short for me:

I'm the oldest of 14 myself- my dad has three others and my mom had 11 total. My mom was a meth addict and alcoholic.

When my mom had her 6th, a brother, she was on meth and they kept him for a bit before letting him come home.

She had #7, a sister, a few years later, and she was taken immediately.

My aunt fostered her, and wound up adopting her. She was raised as our cousin, and my aunt was insistent that she never found out. My aunt also raised her to be a spoiled, entitled, narcissistic brat.

Anyhow, about 14 years ago, she got into the gazillionth fight my aunt's son, her adopted brother. Whatever she said made him go nuclear (I don't remember the details) and he decided to tell her she was adopted and ran down the whole story.

Not long after she showed up and attempted to connect with us. I saw her a few times from what I recall, and my wife- who I had started dating right around the time this happened- met her a few months later. My sister said she didn't like her, because she should have made an effort to meet her immediately.

She went to New York to visit one brother and told him he owed her 19 years of her life back. I asked if she was joking, and he said no. That story tracked through other siblings as well.

That's insane on it's face, here's the thing:

As kids all wound up in different situations, in foster homes, group homes, one brother lived with his dad, and two of my sisters got adopted, while my mom just went and had three more kids.

This particular brother was raised by his dad and had only had a relationship with me for a few years when he was around 6-7, and had seen a couple of us here and there until he was 18, when we got to spend more time with him.

We were ALL split up and in different situations with half of us being in fucked up circumstances while she enjoyed the sort of stability we would have killed for.

But NOPE, she was special, WE all owed HER. Money. Food. Clothes. Everyone was expected to cater to her every want and need, all the time.

I saw that shit a mile away and we had it out early. Our interactions were scarce from there, though years later we had a huge argument where she said she hoped my 6-7 year old daughter got raped.

She also went off on him for having his girlfriend over while she was visiting. he said that any time he spent not giving her his full, undivided attention, she'd flip out on him.

Everything, always, all the time, is about her, up to and including my aunt's death and funeral last year to the point where my aunt's oldest daughter smacked the shit out of her before the service.

Our uncle finally told her to shut the fuck up in the hospital waiting room after my aunt died. There are countless episodes like this with her and for some reason people still fuck with her, even as they rant about what an exhausting psycho she is.

But not me. The shit people bitch about today, I saw from jump. I'm the only one she actively says she despises and doesn't respect, which is fine by me. I'm also the only one who saw her for what she was early and called her out on it. I wish we had a relationship but not at the expense of enabling her narcissism and the headaches that come with it.

She's cool with everyone else but they *all* complain about every interaction they have with her.

My question to you is, which one do you want to be?

The one he despises, but you're free of his crystal clear penchant for using people with no real desire to build an actual relationship?

Or do you want to be the one who deals with him to some degree and feels like you need to scream in a box for an hour after every interaction?

If he shows any real signs that you can redirect things in a positive way, it's worth a try.

If not? My unsolicited, but somewhat relevant and absolutely experienced advise is: you should all do yourselves a favor and peace out on dude.

With any luck he'll fall in, and if he doesn't, oh well. You have one less vampire to suck your money/emotion/energy dry.

i'm quickly turning into one that will be despised.

you can do that without giving him money, and without feeling guilty about this
you don't owe him anything - that's your mom's responsibility, not yours.
i think you all should collectively agree to stop giving him money and be upfront with him
(love to get to know you etc etc etc., but it cannot be from our giving you money. that's not fair)
and see how it goes from there.
if he makes this relationship contingent on you sending him money - then he's not ready/interested to be in y'alls family.