I've been pondering this a lot lately.

My brother in law has terminal cancer. He probably has 6 months at most if we're lucky. Our 7 year old knows he's sick but he doesn't know that he's going to die.

This whole situation has also made me more aware of my own mortality, and I want my son to understand that one day, his mother and I won't be here either.

My wife and I have been debating how and when to tell him about his uncle

I've also been wondering about how to tell him about other tough parts of our current human condition.

I never want to keep things from him and I always want to be honest, but obviously I don't want to scare/scar him and take away hope from him.

How have you had these conversations with your children? Were there any helpful resources that you used? etc.

First, I'm very sorry to hear about your BIL. That sucks on a million levels.

Re: the topic of your post, I have a 15 month old so fortunately I haven't had to give the "tough conversation" subject a ton of thought just yet. But obviously I'll have to start considering it really soon.

So I'll be interested to see how folks respond. And good luck to you. The thought of my kid/any kid having their purity/naivety/innocence snatched from them is so so so heart wrenching to think about.

My father in law passed (lung cancer) suddenly one year ago. While we knew it would happen eventually, it was still a shock because he was getting stronger and feeling better. But I do remember him saying that is usually how it happens.

When I told our kids he wasn’t coming home and transitioned the first thing they said was “so grandma is going to be all alone?”

the roughest part was that night while consoling my wife in the garage the kids left their room and couldn’t find us and thought we passed away. The look on their faces man..

so for the next 3 months ALL they talked about was passing away, where do we go, when will we go, etc. These Disney movies don’t help either, someone always passes away on the first 30 minutes.

Got to a point where my oldest (7) was obsessed about it and she still has waves where she asked about our souls and why it has to happen.

I’ll also add, I had to catch myself when I almost said “I’ll always be here” and instead said “I’m going to be here for a long time, God willing and just know that regardless I will always be with you because you are a part of me and I’m a part of you”.. Now, that didn’t really give total assurance but I try to let them know this is why we have to make the most of our time while alive and death is a part of life. So don’t spend too much time thinking about death.. appreciate every day that you get to make up and experience another chance to make your life better. I just got back from Nashville and my daughter jumped in bed and said “I love that you are home” and man.. I responded “I love that I’m home with you guys too”

Now.. a funny and cruel ass story.

My youngest said “daddy, one day your are going to be a grandaddy when I get married and have kids” and my oldest said “hmmm.. he’s probably not going to be alive that long to see all that”

me soul sank… gooooooootdamnnnnnn that was harsh, yet funny and lastly, it could be true since we had kids so late and I damn sure don’t want them having babies until they are are established and older. I’m like to think I will be around but when I told my wife she was like “welp.. I mean… “

lastly,

I remember when my mom said “I’m not going to be here forever” and I was probably 15 at the time and I fucking lost it. I come from a big family so I’ve been going to funerals since I was 4. I probably averaged at least 2 funerals a year. But realizing my mom would die one day fucked me up.

Just be honest and sincere.. and patient because they will ask, then ask again.. and you wont have all the answers.

>Just be honest and sincere.. and patient because they will
>ask, then ask again.. and you wont have all the answers.

So how can we explain it to *them* know what I mean ?

Obviously we understand it better than they do or can but still, how the fuck can we explain it if *we* don't even fully know/get it ? And never can ?

Sheeeeeit. Stuff is heavy.

“I don’t know.. but I would like to believe we go to a better place”

is what to say when they say "what happens when you die."

like, we're not religious. so it's not as easy as saying "you go to heaven" or whatever.

i know what i believe, which is i believe in reincarnation, because humans are literally energy and energy doesn't disappear it's just transferred or changed. there's hope in that.

but i'm not gonna lie, death scares the shit outta me. i've actually considered seeing a therapist just to talk it out. because i've actually put myself in a sad/scared/depressed state thinking of death because it's sort of impossible to be conscious but think about the possibility that i'm wrong and that consciousness just ends. like, try to think about NOT THINKING *nervous laugh*. and THAT also makes me not be 100% CONVICTED in my belief in reincarnation. if any of what i typed even makes sense.

>is what to say when they say "what happens when you die."
>
>like, we're not religious. so it's not as easy as saying "you
>go to heaven" or whatever.
>
>i know what i believe, which is i believe in reincarnation,
>because humans are literally energy and energy doesn't
>disappear it's just transferred or changed. there's hope in
>that.
>
>but i'm not gonna lie, death scares the shit outta me. i've
>actually considered seeing a therapist just to talk it out.
>because i've actually put myself in a sad/scared/depressed
>state thinking of death because it's sort of impossible to be
>conscious but think about the possibility that i'm wrong and
>that consciousness just ends. like, try to think about NOT
>THINKING *nervous laugh*. and THAT also makes me not be 100%
>CONVICTED in my belief in reincarnation. if any of what i
>typed even makes sense.

Gotcha. Not religious either. And I'm also with you re: energy/reincarnation. It definitely doesn't just die. It definitely just takes other forms, at least in the current iteration of the known world/universe.

I understand why all of this terrifies you - it's pretty fucking mindblowing to consider, all of it. But for some reason death doesn't scare me. I'm not "afraid" of it. It just is, to me.

And this is gonna come off as depressive but it's not: the main thing that makes me "care" if I die is my daughter. Prior to her being born in 2021, my thinking was basically If I die, it's my time. It'll work itself out. For the most part it's not something I can "control" so I'm not gonna spend a ton of time worrying about it.

But to be clear, I LOVE life and do not at all want to die. I'm just fortunate, I suppose, in that death has never been something that I'm preoccupied with or worried about on any significant level. Like I said the only thing that has made me get emotional thinking about dying, is my daughter being here. I want to be here with her for a long long long fucking time.

And I guess that brings us back to the original point of your post. Not only do I want to be here for a long time for selfish reasons: to watch her grow and learn and become who she's going to become. But the part that makes me emotional, now, when I think about dying, is thinking about how my death would impact *her*. Obviously at this point I'm a *HUGE* part of her thus-far tiny world. So it hits me right in the feels nowadays if I think about how effected she'd be if one day I just wasn't around anymore. Kills me.

So yea - to your original point, this is all so tough and heavy and wild and mindblowing to consider.

the science of what happens rather than your beliefs. Beliefs are tricky. Since nobody can really explain what happens to our souls, energy, etc., it may be easier to talk about the parts we can explain about things.

Not to suggest getting to detailed about that, but you'll have to judge how far you can take it with the kiddo.

another option is to discuss the ceremonial processes related to death. this can also help stay away from getting too deep into things.

sorry about your BIL.

i don't even want to influence him w/ my beliefs right now.

i'd only go there if/when he asked.

i was moreso talking about how hard this is to discuss, especially when there are times when i don't always feel convicted in what *I* believe.

i think you and others are right. whatever we say, i think it's best to be honest that we don't actually know what happens after, and to explain the things we do know/can explain.

def can relate to the looped thinking around dying and what the fuck does it mean. remember being a kid, i think 7 years old, and realizing all my family members were gonna die and having night terrors for about a month. very heavy stuff and as a kid, no toolkit to battle through it in the dead of night. death monsters coming out and shit. felt physically painful and inescapable, had weird open eyed hallucinatory image of a black and white hourglass and as the grains of sand ticked down they were accompanied by this agonized scream in me and outside me all. this shit went on for i dont know a month. not the best way to encounter death. i never took any of it to my parents. not sure it really fucked me up, but if yall are parents, id say you could probably save your kids some potential suffering by talking about it SOMEHOW. but eh, i made it. the thoughts would recur and cause a lot of anxiety over the years, fading in pain/fear-intensity as i got older and just about gone by teens but then again that fear-mode may've just found other topics lol.

having someone engage me on the topic in a reasonable way i think may have helped. so id encourage parents to try. but i think also, it's not so much about what you tell them. you don't have to make shit up. i don't know what experts recommend but id tell them the facts. your uncle is going to die which means you won't be able to see him anymore. and then maybe listen to them compassionately and tell em hey that means its important that we appreciate and love uncle as much as we can while he's here. but no idea, don't have kids. more important to let them know reality, and then be a source of love for them as they process it... is my no-experience guess.

----

but for your very hard family situation, could look for a therapist with experience talking with patients who have received diagnoses of terminal illness. lot of therapists deal with death-related matters for people and their families in these situations.

meditation could def help.

but gotta add...maybe not for everyone...but if you are game...shrooms and/or mdma (molly) can do amazing things for this kind of stuck thought-loop dread. can reprogram ya. been good studies with very positive results on both with terminally ill patients dealing with anxiety/depression after diagnosis.

will cost you less $ than therapy, but good to know what you're doing a bit. both have helped me enormously with many different things. saved my damn life, for real. if you wanna know more, lmk. heart goes out to you, peace

with a 7 year old unless they can't get past it and it's impacting their day to day.

I think this is where parents have to step up and have those convo's and follow up conversations.

I meant it could be helpful for promo to go see one to get advice/good frameworks to bring back to help his fam (and himself).

Would strongly recommend NOT bringing a 7 year old to a shrink for this

>My father in law passed (lung cancer) suddenly one year ago.
>While we knew it would happen eventually, it was still a shock
>because he was getting stronger and feeling better. But I do
>remember him saying that is usually how it happens.

sorry for you loss, truly. this shit sucks.

>the roughest part was that night while consoling my wife in
>the garage the kids left their room and couldn’t find us and
>thought we passed away. The look on their faces man..

😥

>I’ll also add, I had to catch myself when I almost said
>“I’ll always be here” and instead said “I’m going to
>be here for a long time, God willing and just know that
>regardless I will always be with you because you are a part of
>me and I’m a part of you”.. Now, that didn’t really give
>total assurance but I try to let them know this is why we have
>to make the most of our time while alive and death is a part
>of life. So don’t spend too much time thinking about death..
>appreciate every day that you get to make up and experience
>another chance to make your life better. I just got back from
>Nashville and my daughter jumped in bed and said “I love
>that you are home” and man.. I responded “I love that
>I’m home with you guys too”

this is where A LOT of my focus has been. i have tried my hardest to practice saying "yes" to my son when he asks to do stuff. like, we all have busy lives and stuff, and sometimes you don't want to play Minecraft you want to just chill after a long day and watch Netflix or whatever it is. but i've been really cognizant of the fact that playing Minecraft, etc. will be the memories my son has of me when i am gone. i'm trying to give him as many good memories as i can.

>My youngest said “daddy, one day your are going to be a
>grandaddy when I get married and have kids” and my oldest
>said “hmmm.. he’s probably not going to be alive that long
>to see all that”

damn, that is sad/cold, but sometimes that levity of honesty does provide a good laugh that takes the edge off.

>Just be honest and sincere.. and patient because they will
>ask, then ask again.. and you wont have all the answers.

thanks.

she was 101.... my daughter learned about it probably by seeing her mother cry.... we just told her what happened and we shared our perspective on it... i got more a 5% perspective on it and wifey got a more christian vibe but we dont impose any particular belief on her.... we thought it was super important for her to share how she felt about it and we never act like we have all the answers.... her great grandma has been bedridden for the last 10 years, senile for the last 3-4 years... so my daughter actually never saw her walk and was aware that she wasnt at her healthiest.... we definitely talked about how she was finally at peace... no more pain and could finally truly rest.... that's definitely an angle that gave her some comfort

im also really big on her knowing that we dont love people's flesh but rather it is what is within them (soul/spirit/essence)that we love and that loves us back... and that part is beyond physical and is forever with us.... we're a black family so i also lean on traditional African beliefs that the Ancestors are always with us


it's been a year and at times she'll mention she misses her and drop a tear or 2.... she's super sensitive just like her mom.... nothing wrong with that... she knows she can cry as often and for how long she wants to

I hope I can mimic all of this with my daughter. I think you nailed it re: making sure you're not *telling* her what happens and how to feel, but instead validating her own feelings, sharing yours, and letting her know that you *think* X or Y is what happens after death. I hope to take a very similar approach.


>she was 101.... my daughter learned about it probably by
>seeing her mother cry.... we just told her what happened and
>we shared our perspective on it... i got more a 5% perspective
>on it and wifey got a more christian vibe but we dont impose
>any particular belief on her.... we thought it was super
>important for her to share how she felt about it and we never
>act like we have all the answers.... her great grandma has
>been bedridden for the last 10 years, senile for the last 3-4
>years... so my daughter actually never saw her walk and was
>aware that she wasnt at her healthiest.... we definitely
>talked about how she was finally at peace... no more pain and
>could finally truly rest.... that's definitely an angle that
>gave her some comfort
>
>im also really big on her knowing that we dont love people's
>flesh but rather it is what is within them
>(soul/spirit/essence)that we love and that loves us back...
>and that part is beyond physical and is forever with us....
>we're a black family so i also lean on traditional African
>beliefs that the Ancestors are always with us
>
>
>it's been a year and at times she'll mention she misses her
>and drop a tear or 2.... she's super sensitive just like her
>mom.... nothing wrong with that... she knows she can cry as
>often and for how long she wants to

just hearing people's different takes on it and their experiences is helpful.

i know our son knows about death already. that's obvious. i think what is always tricky with children is if they understand the permanence of it at a young age.

when we told our son that his uncle was sick, he made a remark like "oh, but he'll get better" and my wife told him that he would not get better. but we don't know if he took that to mean "ok he'll just be sick all the time" vs. that she meant he's going to die. we will have to tell him the latter part eventually, that much we know, and we don't want to wait until it happens because we don't want him to be blindsided. one of his favorite things to do right now is go down to their house (they live 50 mins away), so we don't want him to show up one time and his uncle is just gone w/out him knowing.

they always find ways to keep it moving. Their selfishness, compassion and ignorance is a beautiful thing.

Like when our cat had to be put down.

kids: “we’ll miss him…
me: yeah.. Yuyu was cool
kids: daddy??
me: yes love
kids: “when mommy is ready to get another cat.. can we get 2 kittens?”
me: we’ll see..

>they always find ways to keep it moving. Their selfishness,
>compassion and ignorance is a beautiful thing.
>
>Like when our cat had to be put down.
>
>kids: “we’ll miss him…
>me: yeah.. Yuyu was cool
>kids: daddy??
>me: yes love
>kids: “when mommy is ready to get another cat.. can we get 2
>kittens?”
>me: we’ll see..

Partly because they just don’t know any better. It’s the experience of it all that makes it hard for adults to talk about it

or god forbid..

You could read a book on death as a family and then listen to your kids' questions.

Just an idea.

Especially if they have already experienced the loss of a pet, a family member's pet, a famous person who has died that affected you or someone else, a distant family member, a church or community member, etc. Someone or something was here, and now they are gone. They are aware of it; the key is to not ignore or sugarcoat it but to get them to embrace the idea of life and death not as a horrible inevitability but as a natural thing.

We live in the country and our in-laws have a small farm with cows, horses, dogs, cats, fish, and whatnot. So it was fortunate, in a way, to have animals die both unexpectedly and from old age and to explain to the kids that every creature has their time and to appreciate what they gave while they were here.

Another thing I found to be helpful is to empathize with the kids' sadness, and to let them know that being sad about the death of a loved one is a good thing. That means they cared about someone, that someone cared about them, and it's a beautiful thing to have that kind of familial bond and affection that can be shared and remembered. So we talk about family members that have passed a lot, how much we cared about them, the things they did, how they lived their lives, and our kids can have a connection with them. And I can continue to have a connection to my deceased relatives through my kids.