Whew

I understand why, but shedding it feels impossible.

Case in point:

I recently applied for a new job, via referral from a friend.

It is, quite literally, one of the best places to work. My resume is EXACTLY what they're looking for, and what they need. I don't know how I could fit the mold any better. I don't have a college degree, but that's not even listed as a requirement.

I applied, and after about a week got a call to setup an interview. They asked a few preliminary questions, and right after they sent me their benefits information.

I asked my friend about that, because she is referring people like crazy, and she said nobody has gotten anything like that until after they get hired.

My interview date and time comes, and.... nothing. No call. I don't have the link to the chat in my email. Nothing. I call the recruiter, and I call HR several times. No answer.

HR sent it to the wrong email address. We set up for the next day, and the person doing the interview laid it on crazy thick. The whole thing was "If you choose us, if you decide to go with us, I'm not trying to oversell you but....".

I got active feedback during the interview. He said he loved my answers. He said "wow" a few times- because, again, I'm exactly what they need, and what they're looking for. And when it finished, he said, look, I'm not in charge of the final decisions, but I'm bullish on you. Two huge thumbs up from me.

My friend said, the people who bombed the interview, knew right away. Meanwhile, nobody in my life has ever made me feel more wanted, capable, a good fit, etc, than the man who interviewed me. Ever.

****

Of course, I didn't buy into the hype. I felt the high for a few hours, and that was that.

That was the last week. Several people from those interviews already got hired. Of course, those who didn't get it, have also heard back. I haven't heard a word.

In my head, none of that shit mattered, because I don't think they'll hire me. Because, as I said, it's literally one of the best places to work. Their work culture is well regarded, both inside and outside of the company.

So my brain is telling me, what the fuck makes you think *they* want the likes of *you*? lulz, just shut the fuck up and clear these tasks, and keep working that OT.

I can't even envision it. I applied and interviewed because the opportunity was there. I put my all into preparing for the interview. I have the goods. But... I'm me, and history has taught me that those opportunities are for other people, and all his excitement was lip service, because that's what they do. That's why they're so well regarded. It's just an example of their culture.

If I get hired, I'll be fucking shocked. Floored, blindsided, yadayadayada.

If not, I'll have to work ridiculously hard to not let that rejection serve as validation for that poisonous belief that's so firmly imprinted into my being: shit like that just isn't for you, no matter how much you bring to this particular table. Because that's exactly what I'll see it as.

****

I don't do well with rejection, and never have. I never had anyone teach me how to push through and push past that shit. I know how to cope with it, but not prevail over it.

Because I don't deal with with rejection, I rarely put myself out there for *anything*. I can't even look at past successes- meager as they are- as proof that I "can". I see those as aberrations.

As a result, I only get so far in anything, before I hit that ceiling.

The best I've been able to do with this current situation is, tell myself to leave that interview where it was, forget about it, and just move forward like it never happened. Any development is what it is, but I'm doing my best not to think about it.

Of course, my wife and friends keep asking me if I've heard back, hitting me with the "you got this!", and I just don't want it to come up at all.

I've done pretty well with that strategy so far, but today it's just not letting me go. I feel that shit rising up. I hoped it would dissipate by the time I finished writing this, but nope.



The best I've been able to do