have you ever seriously, I mean seriously injured yourself so badly that there is no initial pain? I'm talking about the sort of very deep cut where you see it and think "Oh hey, thats my fuckin' bone!" but it takes a while for the pain to roll in but once that pain rolls in...it's all you can see.


that is where I am. The past year, two years, has been a slow awakening to pain.

I've been doing a LOT of deep therapy. Healing is hard. I'm a million miles from where I was 2 years ago and millions more from 3, 4 and 5 years ago.


Right now, I'm hating the fact that I have to still be a husband when most of the time I'm just fucked up and wanting to not do shit because I'm shifting through things and processing. I have no problem being a dad, but its been hard being a present husband because I just want to be left the fuck alone.

I'm really questioning a lot right now. I'm feeling stuck. I'm emotionally exhausted which is a weird feeling, I don't feel tired, I feel emotionally burnt out.

I don't feel depressed, I've been depressed for years at a time. This is different. This is me learning to accept my own shortcomings and learning not to hate myself.


The funny thing is that I'm still ambitious, I still have ideas, I have lots of ideas and things I want to do, but...I'm in a place where I've been fighting my basic reaction to just flee. I'm in the way of myself. I sabotage constantly. I have ongoing battles between conscious desires to achieve shit and subconscious perceptions of insecurity, shame, fear.




Conscious self: This idea for a short story is magic. Yo, what if I actually wrote it. Actually, look at that! I just wrote 10 pages.

Subconscious self: Oh, you got dreams now? Haha! You thought. Lemme create some strife and distractions for you. Dis nigga here with hope and ideas.

Conscious self: why the fuck am I not moving forward in life?



I'm a physical person so the fact that I can't remove my brain and just rearrange stuff is frustrating.