..

The amount of paper work and asking for the same shit 4X’s is frustrating. I snapped the other day when I hadn’t heard anything for 12 days when they said the funds would be released in 4 days.

The amount of people refinancing and buying houses is insane.

——

My new “boss”... not sure about him. He admitted he was trying to hire his wife to work “underneath me” but the CEO wasn’t with it. Nigga tried it tho.. smh. I’ve been busy af and my spidy senses where I’m point. Gotta watch my back.

——

My daughters Birthday is coming up and I’m hype. She’s hype, we are all hype. She’s been asking for a bike with pedals since she has perfected the balancing bike.

——

NBA bubble has been fantastic!!! Lmao.

Now that I see it was about love, I'm less about it.
And that's a me problem.
But I also feel misled completely.

WOW this is an amazing story! Then they announced the marriage and IM like...ok thats sweet. Then in the interview he said he asked her to marry him years ago if he ever got out......

Still a lovely story and Im happy for them both, but now I feel like it was more her trying to free her man than just general pursuit of justice. Hope they both keep pushing forward to help other innocent people.

at least i think its the first time. i think i have gotten close to $100 before but not crossed it.

got the VMP De La Soul is Dead NM for $135. median on discogs is $160 and cheapest one right now is $199 so its a deal? idk

i was scoffing at paying $180 for 6 sade albums but dropped $135 on one De La album that I already have a version of.

makes no sense at all lol


finally saw Joyful Rebellion pop up for sale on discogs last week. i think it was listed for like $180. cant see myself spending that but its not that far off $135... so who knows. its a very rare one. im holding off in hopes that k-os does a box set or something.

Other people be talking, but I'm still looking at her square.

have you ever seriously, I mean seriously injured yourself so badly that there is no initial pain? I'm talking about the sort of very deep cut where you see it and think "Oh hey, thats my fuckin' bone!" but it takes a while for the pain to roll in but once that pain rolls in...it's all you can see.


that is where I am. The past year, two years, has been a slow awakening to pain.

I've been doing a LOT of deep therapy. Healing is hard. I'm a million miles from where I was 2 years ago and millions more from 3, 4 and 5 years ago.


Right now, I'm hating the fact that I have to still be a husband when most of the time I'm just fucked up and wanting to not do shit because I'm shifting through things and processing. I have no problem being a dad, but its been hard being a present husband because I just want to be left the fuck alone.

I'm really questioning a lot right now. I'm feeling stuck. I'm emotionally exhausted which is a weird feeling, I don't feel tired, I feel emotionally burnt out.

I don't feel depressed, I've been depressed for years at a time. This is different. This is me learning to accept my own shortcomings and learning not to hate myself.


The funny thing is that I'm still ambitious, I still have ideas, I have lots of ideas and things I want to do, but...I'm in a place where I've been fighting my basic reaction to just flee. I'm in the way of myself. I sabotage constantly. I have ongoing battles between conscious desires to achieve shit and subconscious perceptions of insecurity, shame, fear.




Conscious self: This idea for a short story is magic. Yo, what if I actually wrote it. Actually, look at that! I just wrote 10 pages.

Subconscious self: Oh, you got dreams now? Haha! You thought. Lemme create some strife and distractions for you. Dis nigga here with hope and ideas.

Conscious self: why the fuck am I not moving forward in life?



I'm a physical person so the fact that I can't remove my brain and just rearrange stuff is frustrating.

Got my phone and computer memory stressed