Every single paragraph I was nodding going "yep, me too. Yep, me too. Yep, me too"


>I've made this place my online home and community and I've
>spent the last 20 years here learning pretty much non-stop.
>I've probably been mulling over my response to these questions
>and how to articulate it the whole time... learning more and
>more all the while, which makes this a fluid reality so to
>really try and pin it down on these terms is a challenge..
>I'll take a stab at it...
>
>In life my default stance has always been empathy. life has
>been a beautiful and painful continuous journey of discovering
>and dispelling my naivety and ignorance. for example I used to
>think everybody started from this stance imagine my surprise
>growing up to realize real assholes, idiots even monsters
>exist.
>
>The flip-side of that is a lot of frustration and anger...
>I've been mad about the environment, race, war and society my
>entire life.. All the while I've had all the breaks afforded
>to take advantage of my position and live an otherwise
>comfortable life i.e. white privilege. If I didn't have those
>opportunities my anger would be a juggernaut on a collision
>course. My anger is a white privilege in and of itself in that
>I have not had to really suppress it to survive and navigate
>my way and I have not found myself in a direct situation that
>rankled it to the point of disaster.
>
>I fucked around as a youth and for far too long into adulthood
>I caught breaks I wouldn't have if I wasn't white. From mere
>warnings at school for selling drugs, cops stopping me and
>turning me loose for things that I in no way believe a Native
>or Black person would be given the same pass for, to being
>arrested and given the least of wrist slaps and even the
>luxury of no permanent record. I wouldn't have a halfway
>decent job let alone a good one. I'd be in jail. I've also no
>doubt I'd have been in so many more fights than I have just
>out of anger and frustration for the obstacles I would have
>faced.
>
>As for OKP I think I used to be louder about my opinions but
>you know I learned, got older and I prefer to listen... I
>stepped in shit more times here than I likely know and
>honestly wish I had been called out directly on more of it
>than I have been because when I have been they're valuable
>lessons.
>
>As for the ongoing work and stepping it up in these times... I
>am still discovering aspects of my perception and attitude
>that are complicit if subconscious.. for example when I read
>Malcolm X's autobiography there was a section where he
>described the different types of white folks and their
>attitudes toward the Black culture and I realized that I fell
>far too much into a category of folks who's admiration of the
>culture is not rooted appropriately, you know the
>romanticizing a curiosity that doesn't really acknowledge and
>respect the harm and damage of encouraging and perpetuating
>problems... growing up on Tom and Jerry thinking the Mammy was
>cool just a Black woman you know thick Black gams willing to
>swing a broom instead of skinny white ones posted up on a
>chair, my favorite loony tunes was Inky and the Minah bird.. i
>also loved the crows in Dumbo... my favorite scene in Fritz
>the cat was when he had sex with the female crow.. it's a
>fetishism.. I recognized that stuff earlier on in my OKP life,
>but the autobiography made me look even deeper to my
>relationship with hip-hop and other aspects of society. I'm
>not proud of it but this stuff is insidious and it dies hard.
>I thought I was further down the path of understanding and
>enlightenment than I am but that's the thing about learning
>it's cumulative and continues to break through barriers to
>show one more.
>
>I've spent 20+ years here trying to build relationships and
>represent myself honestly. I try to have a clue you know? I
>know for a fact it has given me a perspective and window on
>things that most of the people in my orbit outside of OKP do
>not have, but there are many levels I'm sure I still don't
>get. there are many folks here who I wish I had a better
>rapport with and I still am trying to build with. I've written
>off many people in my life for their ignorance and bigoted
>attitudes, I've argued and tried to persuade and sadly I've
>learned I am better at educating myself than I am at debate
>and educating others and that some folks have bricks for
>brains so there just is no talking to them. These days I
>default to self preservation and keeping my anger in check..
>it's weak and I'm not proud but believe me when I tell you the
>anger I feel about these issues is just so huge I need to
>check myself. I'd be positively homicidal. I don't know how so
>many people more directly affected manage to be so level
>headed. I've also learned that it's not for me to make the
>call on these issues, fuck a white savior, I don't presume to
>know, instead I'm listening. Call me racist I'm not going to
>tell you I'm not I"m going to look at the reason I'm being
>called that, the thing at hand and consider it sincerely. One
>of the largest lessons about myself I've learned in life is my
>fallibility.
>
>I don't know.. I have anecdotes, stories I'm not getting
>into... plenty of thoughts and observations I don't know how
>to properly articulate.. am I an ally? Well like Brew said
>it's not my place to make that call.. I know Black lives
>matter. I know and see systemic racism is pervasive in my
>country as well as yours (and plenty of others).. I can't
>stand it, I am against it and I do my damnedest to conduct
>myself accordingly.
>
>edit: spell check didn't like perpetuating and had made it
>personalizing.. not the word I meant.