she was my favorite person in the world.

i've been her caregiver the last 5-7 years as she entered her 90s. I've looked after her in some capacity for the last 25. but she was mostly independent up until she was around 85.

She pretty much affected everything in my life. what hours i could work, where i lived, traveling limitations, and really just day to day. Obviously as she aged it got harder.

now she's just not here.

i break down at least once a day, but mostly i feel like i'm ok. The 2 months before she passed were hell, but I'm neither as destroyed or relieved as i expected i'd be, and that in itself is kinda confusing to me.

adding it to continued work furlough, pandemic, protests, and shit just coming apart.. I feel like i shouldn't be ok

but I'm oddly ok.