A sentence I never thought I'd utter.

A good friend of mine does music for reality TV shows. They wanted some rap songs for some of the hornier scenes-- one more uptempo, another more romantic and "Post Malone-y," as they said. My friend is a woman, and she wanted a male voice for these jams. Enter: me.

She did the lyrics, the music, the mixing, the everything. I just came over and laid down the tracks (a phrase I've always wanted to unironically say).

So tonight, while a bunch of girls grab each other's boobs and shake their asses, you'll be hearing me rapping to a big uptempo beat. It's not the greatest song lyrically-- her verses are admittedly a bit of an afterthought because they usually just use the chorus and intro in these shows-- but the beat is pretty goddamn good, I think. And it definitely fits the vibe of the scene. It's a horny slapper.

USA Network, 10 PM EST. A reason to watch Temptation Island. Hopefully, if all goes well, they'll use the Post Malone song too, because, while it's not really my style of song, I think we made a *really* fucking good Post Malone ripoff. (If it doesn't make it on the air, I'll leak it on here, because I want people to hear me crooning in Autotune, lol.)