>Thank you for the kind words. I have definitely changed the
>way I communicate with her, not only because of the discomfort
>she is feeling, but also to make sure I am saying those words
>that are important.
>
>I am having so much self doubt its making me feel like in
>quicksand. I'm mad at myself for letting myself be like this,
>but then I think that this is how I am coping, then I get
>upset more, cuz why am I grieving if she hasn't passed yet and
>its possible she may not.
>
>Its so confusing.

Of course it's confusing - no one ever plans ahead to lose a parent. Everyone's learning on the fly because it's obviously morbid as hell to ever consider "what will I do when my loved one is dying .."

You're grieving ahead of her death as a defense mechanism. It's natural. I can't speak for everyone but I definitely did a lot of that when I was all but certain my mom wouldn't beat her latest round of cancer.

One of our neighbors gave us a book about grieving, a few months before my mom passed. My dad read it first then gave it to me and my brother - it was a quick read and really helpful. It put things in perspective better than anything else I'd be told or read. I'm gonna try and find it so I can refer you to it, I'm hoping I still have it somewhere or will recall the name shortly. I'll let you know.