So the past month since the boards took a break, my whole life has been consumed by my Mom's cancer diagnoses.

Founds out on June 26th, that her Colon cancer seemed to had spread to her lungs and other pars of the intestines.

July 14th, we take her to the ER due to a mother of a headache, turns out to be a brain tumor. She had to stay in the hospital to have tests done and to speak with a neurosurgeon. All the focus shifted to the brain. She's scheduled for surgery on the 14th of Aug.

She's been home since the 23rd and the poor thing is miserable from the pain in her head.

I've hadn't dealt with anything like this before. The 1st significant person in my life to pass away was my Grandmom and that was 2 years ago.

I feel a mixture discouragement, numbness, and selfishness. I have never been good at multitasking, so I focus on how I feel and dwell, then move on. But haven't been, moving on. I keep dwelling on me being upset at my mom possibly dying. I'm having hard time focusing on the positives. I get so mad at myself about that.

I stopped excising, eating shit food, ignoring duties at work, and also arguing with my wife. (that will be another post, cuz man did she piss me off).

my mom isn't dead yet, I know that. I can't help but think about it and it just putting me down. Any insight?

Thank you

Funeral was this past Friday.

I'm not gonna lie to you...it's hard. I had to sit with it for a week and a half and thankfully, I wasn't at work the entire time.

All I can say is, relish in the moments you still have left. I spoke with my mother the day before she passed, was making plans to have her over to the house this coming weekend so she could see all her grandkids. Was just checking up on her on my way to work. The next day, she was gone. Last words we said to each other were "I love you" so I take some solace in that (made that a habit in the last 5 yrs because she had growing health issues and I never knew when would be the last time we spoke).

There's a deep pit of sadness in me. And I went through all the emotions you went through right after she passed (anger, worry, loss of appetite, arguments, etc). I've lost 7 lbs since she passed. Today is my first day back in the office and I've been pretty useless. I've done a couple of things and I'll ramp up as the day goes on but, yeah, losing moms is just...hard.

All I can offer is; work through it, try to find good distractions, focus on the best times and understand that it's ok to grieve. Eventually, the pain will dissipate and you'll be able to move forward. The sadness will hover for a while though...and that's normal.

Thank you for the kind words. I have definitely changed the way I communicate with her, not only because of the discomfort she is feeling, but also to make sure I am saying those words that are important.

I am having so much self doubt its making me feel like in quicksand. I'm mad at myself for letting myself be like this, but then I think that this is how I am coping, then I get upset more, cuz why am I grieving if she hasn't passed yet and its possible she may not.

Its so confusing.

>Thank you for the kind words. I have definitely changed the
>way I communicate with her, not only because of the discomfort
>she is feeling, but also to make sure I am saying those words
>that are important.
>
>I am having so much self doubt its making me feel like in
>quicksand. I'm mad at myself for letting myself be like this,
>but then I think that this is how I am coping, then I get
>upset more, cuz why am I grieving if she hasn't passed yet and
>its possible she may not.
>
>Its so confusing.

Of course it's confusing - no one ever plans ahead to lose a parent. Everyone's learning on the fly because it's obviously morbid as hell to ever consider "what will I do when my loved one is dying .."

You're grieving ahead of her death as a defense mechanism. It's natural. I can't speak for everyone but I definitely did a lot of that when I was all but certain my mom wouldn't beat her latest round of cancer.

One of our neighbors gave us a book about grieving, a few months before my mom passed. My dad read it first then gave it to me and my brother - it was a quick read and really helpful. It put things in perspective better than anything else I'd be told or read. I'm gonna try and find it so I can refer you to it, I'm hoping I still have it somewhere or will recall the name shortly. I'll let you know.

This pre-grieving has me scared for the real thing

And I know you beat yourself up over your feelings but hopefully you can come to terms with them. It's natural and no one expects you to be 'normal' through this. You shouldn't expect it from yourself either.

It's also ok to grieve her illness. Serious health issues take a toll and my mom bounced back from various things many times (so often that I feel like I took it a little for granted). But I worried alot about her at first. Then I realized she'd likely not have an extended life as things carried on. It took about 8 yrs for my mom to deteriorate in health to the point that it took her life.

If your mom pulls through, it becomes that much more important to relish/enjoy your time with her. But there's nothing wrong with being sad at the possibility that she won't, because that's very real also.

Be as strong as you can, try to find distractions (healthy ones, I spent extra time with my kids, my niece and nephew) and be as receptive to your time with her as you can be (get everything you can out of it). Because the blessing for you is, you still have that time. My mom went without us having a certainty about it. I would have much rather been able to talk to her in a hospital for a few months rather than it being sudden.

especially with what happened over the weekend, I have to be grateful I still can speak with her.

I plan to make the best out of any interactions I have with her.

It's so great that you have that final memory of exchanging I love yous before she passed. A lot of people (obviously) don't get that kind of closure and spend a lot of time with regret about that kind of thing. You'll realize later how helpful it is to have that finality to your relationship w/her.

I actually don't remember the last words my mother and I said to eachother, but like I said in my post below I have months worth of incredible memories w/her because we knew she only had so much time left so my dad, my brother, my mom and I made the absolute most of whatever limited time we thought we had left. So thankfully I have a kind of closure even if I don't necessarily remember our last conversation specifically.

It's highlighted because I spoke to her the day prior. I actually hadn't followed up with her in a little over a week. Her birthday was on July 12th and I hadn't talked to her since her bday. It was like I was granted one last convo and it was right on time.

But I agree. I found peace in those being our last words.

>It's so great that you have that final memory of exchanging I
>love yous before she passed. A lot of people (obviously) don't
>get that kind of closure and spend a lot of time with regret
>about that kind of thing. You'll realize later how helpful it
>is to have that finality to your relationship w/her.
>
>I actually don't remember the last words my mother and I said
>to eachother, but like I said in my post below I have months
>worth of incredible memories w/her because we knew she only
>had so much time left so my dad, my brother, my mom and I made
>the absolute most of whatever limited time we thought we had
>left. So thankfully I have a kind of closure even if I don't
>necessarily remember our last conversation specifically.

.

Peace to you and yours

Everybody grieves differently. You shouldn't feel bad about being short-tempered and unfocused. Your wife, of all people, should recognize what you're going through and adjust accordingly.

Anyway I just realized last year that I've now lived more of my life *without* my mother than I lived with her, which is just wild to me. Feels like only a few years ago she was still here. I wouldn't say it ever gets better but it definitely gets easier. Eventually you start to remember the good memories rather than grieving the loss and thinking about the last months/years when she was sick. And you realize that her spirit is *always* with you no matter what. I'm not religious at all but I am a firm believer in souls and energies staying with your loved ones long after you die; I can literally feel it.

It's hard to give advice because everyone reacts to these things differently, everyone's relationships with their loved ones is all their own. But that said - I was in high school and found solace in focusing hard on school work and sports and just trying to use the negative energy I was feeling as an outlet to be more productive, cause I knew that was what she would've wanted - for me to dig in and move on to the best of my ability. In your case, I'd try and just dig into your work. I know it's near impossible to focus on anything *but* the situation at home but I'm telling you, it's massively helpful to channel that energy to help minimize the pain and negative thoughts.

Also, spend as much time with her as you can while you still can. You'll cherish those moments for the rest of your life. Some of my fondest memories with my mom were from the last few months of her life and I learned some of the most important lessons from her during that time as well.

Peace to you and your whole fam. Feel free to reach out anytime if you have other questions or just want to vent about everything. I often have conversations with friends/folks going through this, since I've had so much time now to digest and gain some perspective on it. So I'm happy to help if I can at all.

Yeah my wife is having a difficult time because she and I handle things differently. I internalize everything, I carry thing for a extended period and then usually I am able to move on. She likes to talk about everything and anything to do with a situation.

she's gotten upset for me not talking to her or me getting upset cause I ask her to not bombard me with conversation but what I just explained or updated her on. I feel like she is constantly asking, what about this with your mom, what about this, who is doing that, where is this, when such and such. I can't do that. After 3 or 4 hypothetical or follow up question I lose my patience.

Focusing on work like you did is what I want, but I am having a difficult time with it right now. I'm scared I will be worse if she does die soon.

my mother to cancer, 28 years back
my father to a car accident, 9 years ago

very traumatic moments. for the latter, people here reached out in ways I'll never forget. I was gone for about a year from here and pretty much from life outside of work and necessities for about a number of years

shit's rough, no matter the circumstance

If I recall you're married, were you married at the time?

(my bad if I mixed you up with another poster)

I'll give you my advice first: get everything as organized as possible. Ask all of the questions that no one wants to ask. More than that, make absolute sure that she knows you love and appreciate her. Retell hilarious stories and memories. Try to spend SOME amount of time just hanging out. As you can imagine, a person with cancer pretty much has to deal with, think about, and talk about cancer all the damn day long. A break from that every now and then is very good.


Now...my perspective:

My pops died March 19, 2019. 5:05 PM on a Tuesday at the house on his 4th day of hospice if more deets are desired.

He got a stage 4 colon cancer diagnosis in August of 2016. They gave him a 50/50 shot of living 2.5 years. He made it about that long. I went to most of his chemo infusions, doctor's visits, all of that.

Chemo worked VERY well at first. He even got well enough to get the big tumor in his colon removed in July of 2017. After that, the 'clean up' chemo didn't work as well. He had to switch meds a few times. Of course, each have different side effects.

I didn't really start thinking he wasn't gonna make it until the fall of 2018. After a while, he had slipped on his key/basic habits (staying active, eating a regular/decent diet, STAYING HYDRATED). It eventually dried him out to the point where he ended up having a 'mild' stroke Christmas 2018. Allegedly, it wasn't cancer on his brain, but it had started spreading all into his core. The dehydration was viewed as the cause of the stroke.

Cancer and some chemos mess with your blood quite a bit. That's a big reason why they ask that you hydrate. Anyway, he got a bladder infection around the same time. Here's the lamest thing I found out during this time: you can't take antibiotics and chemo at the same time. They'll nullify each other.

With that, my pops was basically screwed. He kept getting infections, his cancer spread, and never stayed out of the hospital for more than 2 weeks. He eventually got sentenced to hospice the Friday before he died. They said he'd make it 4 weeks max. He died 4 days later.

It's been almost 5 months and I can't tell you that it gets a whole lot better unless you decide to push yourself back towards healthy habits. I got my hydration on track, but I'm still eating horribly and I can't keep a workout schedule to save my life. I actually sat down at the desk to put together my August workout plan before I saw this message.


>So the past month since the boards took a break, my whole
>life has been consumed by my Mom's cancer diagnoses.
>
>Founds out on June 26th, that her Colon cancer seemed to had
>spread to her lungs and other pars of the intestines.
>
>July 14th, we take her to the ER due to a mother of a
>headache, turns out to be a brain tumor. She had to stay in
>the hospital to have tests done and to speak with a
>neurosurgeon. All the focus shifted to the brain. She's
>scheduled for surgery on the 14th of Aug.
>
>She's been home since the 23rd and the poor thing is miserable
>from the pain in her head.
>
>I've hadn't dealt with anything like this before. The 1st
>significant person in my life to pass away was my Grandmom and
>that was 2 years ago.
>
>I feel a mixture discouragement, numbness, and selfishness. I
>have never been good at multitasking, so I focus on how I feel
>and dwell, then move on. But haven't been, moving on. I keep
>dwelling on me being upset at my mom possibly dying. I'm
>having hard time focusing on the positives. I get so mad at
>myself about that.
>
>I stopped excising, eating shit food, ignoring duties at work,
>and also arguing with my wife. (that will be another post, cuz
>man did she piss me off).
>
>my mom isn't dead yet, I know that. I can't help but think
>about it and it just putting me down. Any insight?
>
>Thank you

While at her house this weekend, she brought up estate planning. She seems prepared to talk about this, which I commend her for.

My siblings and I did not want to bring it up to her in any way. Now that she has, I know its going to be a relief for her to not have this on her mind.


You really went through it man, not sure what the right words are, but I'm happy that you were as much a part of what your dad was going through as possible. I know it had to be difficult, but that time spent together is irreplaceable. I will focus on that.

I lost both parents.

Mom 10 years ago in a car accident
Dad 2 or 3 years ago due to heart failure.

I can’t even remember exactly how long ago it was for my Dad because it was a blur and I’m still processing it. I knew it was coming but I thought I had more time. We were in a good place but still, shit hurt me bad. Make sure you enjoy the little moments while you have them.

.

im thankful to still have my parents but I’ve been thinking more about not having them around...especially as I’m getting older lol

I’ve been spending more time with my mother. Having conversations that we couldn’t in the past and cherishing those moments. we’ve learned a lot about each other. Who I am makes more sense now...

If your not already, spend as much time with her being vulnerable...

talk about things that bring them joy.

Play some of their favorite music.

Eat with them.

Have them tell their story(if they want to and they will get a kick usually out of all the things they have done and went through).

Bless you and your family!

I would definitely audio record, my mom hates being on video or taking pictures.

i lost my dad when i was 16, many many years ago. He passed from brain cancer also.

And i still think about him.

Your range of emotions is typical but know that time and words, especially now, is something you wont ever get back so treat mom with all the kindness you can. Even if she's having a cranky day, tell her a funny memory to make her laugh.

Good luck with your mother and i hope she recovers completely.

The tumor is basically on her forehead towards the middle of her brow. She has been in the worst mood. After the initial hospital stay at home, she was in a lot of pain and she was mean. She was not sparing feelings. I got annoyed and upset because, I'm doing all I can to help and she is basically shitting on us.

My sister and I talked each other down, cuz we were both feeling bad from the verbal lashing we get.

Now I just listen and not react. You never know how someone will act in a time like this.

There's no right way to grieve as Brew and others have said.

Like you, I internalize more than I express. But if you can, try talking to someone about your feelings. If not your wife then a friend or a relative you trust. If talking about it still feels too much, you could try an audio or typed journal to work through your thoughts and feelings.

Also, there are support groups for people going through losing a loved one from cancer or other illnesses. You may want to tap into one of those. Even if you don't share anything, they're good ways to learn from others how to cope with grief.

Finally, spirituality, if you have a relationship with God, The Creator or whatever you connect with on a spiritual or philosophical level can give solace and guidance during grief. I don't know if you're religious, but even if you aren't there are many pastors, priests(esses), teachers who have written timely books on grief and loss. One of them may help you during this time.

I know the last thing you may want to do in a time like this is to open up and be vulnerable and lose control but ironically it is the best way to handle your justifiably strong and confusing emotions.

I don't post personal things on FB or Insta. Here though, I know for the most part is a group of people I may never meet, nor have I ever actually interacted with this community, but it is my sound board.

Definitely report back as your experience with grief continues.

..when I lost my Nana, I was out in deez streetz on some, "Me against the World" type shit.

Don't do dat...

My mother is still here but I worry about her diet(she eats nothin but sweets/sodium based-foods, chips and allat). I be tryna check her but, its MaDukez, I can only go so far. But I feel your pain Bruh!



Endure...

Not worry or care about things as long as I am feeling ok.

Trying to get out of that

Each day gets harder, cause thats one more day that she's not here.

I really hate it for my dad..those convos we had while I was home? Shit...it's got me really thinking about moving back home.




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She's been since Monday. Pneumonia, gallstones...worried is an understatement.

They are talking surgery...total removal of the gallbladder. She has diabetes, COPD, high cholesterol and blood pressure.

I've been somewhat mentally prepared for her death since she had her stroke back in 2010...but this is something else. My baby was with her when she was rushed to the hospital early Monday morning.

Thanks for this post!

I spent the afternoon with at her house yesterday. She was resting and trying to sleep, so we didn't get to talk much.

The pain and discomfort from the tumor makes her not want to talk for too long. She's not eating much which has me worried, but we are trying to give her, her space and comfort.

She asked me to look into getting her a "hospital" bed for her. That while makes sense, has freaked me out. It is makes me picture her in that bed in her room, fading away.

>I spent the afternoon with at her house yesterday. She was
>resting and trying to sleep, so we didn't get to talk much.
>
>The pain and discomfort from the tumor makes her not want to
>talk for too long. She's not eating much which has me worried,
>but we are trying to give her, her space and comfort.
>
>She asked me to look into getting her a "hospital" bed for
>her. That while makes sense, has freaked me out. It is makes
>me picture her in that bed in her room, fading away.

Even though you didn't get much of a chance to speak, she likely just enjoyed your company. Does your mother drink Ensure? My mother, who had lung cancer a while back, drank Ensure to help supplement her diet. It might be a way to help her get nutrition even though eating may hurt.

Mentioning your mother in the bed made me think of the feeling I had watching my mother suffer from cancer. While you can't steer the illness, maybe there are ways you can help make her time as comfortable as possible. Just some thoughts.

>So the past month since the boards took a break, my whole
>life has been consumed by my Mom's cancer diagnoses.
>
>Founds out on June 26th, that her Colon cancer seemed to had
>spread to her lungs and other pars of the intestines.
>
>July 14th, we take her to the ER due to a mother of a
>headache, turns out to be a brain tumor. She had to stay in
>the hospital to have tests done and to speak with a
>neurosurgeon. All the focus shifted to the brain. She's
>scheduled for surgery on the 14th of Aug.
>
>She's been home since the 23rd and the poor thing is miserable
>from the pain in her head.
>
>I've hadn't dealt with anything like this before. The 1st
>significant person in my life to pass away was my Grandmom and
>that was 2 years ago.
>
>I feel a mixture discouragement, numbness, and selfishness. I
>have never been good at multitasking, so I focus on how I feel
>and dwell, then move on. But haven't been, moving on. I keep
>dwelling on me being upset at my mom possibly dying. I'm
>having hard time focusing on the positives. I get so mad at
>myself about that.
>
>I stopped excising, eating shit food, ignoring duties at work,
>and also arguing with my wife. (that will be another post, cuz
>man did she piss me off).
>
>my mom isn't dead yet, I know that. I can't help but think
>about it and it just putting me down. Any insight?
>

One thing that you have to do is maintain healthy eating practices and keep to a certain degree. Been there with my mom (not cancer but congestive heart failure). My baby sister is currently dealing with tumors on the brain, and the old man has been on dialysis for the past 6 years and had issues with cancer as well. The noise that your old lady is giving you do your best to tune out. My marriage took a significant hit when my mom passed from congestive heart failure (which was already on the rocks). Whatever is going to happen in terms of life or death we are not in control of that, but you can control yourself and your emotions. Do your level best to control these things during this time that your mother is ill.

We had to take her to the ER on Sat night, she had a fever and hyperventilating.

She is in the ICU, she is barely able to wake up for more than a minute.

We were told that the cancer spread to her liver, more of lungs, and lymph nodes.

My siblings and I had the conversation about funeral preparations. I am devastated.

In less than 2 months, she went from being a normal person to basically comatose.

My prayers are with you and your fam.

but you can do it. And then when you need to, find someone that can and will allow you to pour out your heart.

Keep going though, champ!

wish i had any sort of advice.

I'm sorry about the quickness of her deterioration. It's hard to get settled upon making peace with her loss when the downturn is so sudden.

be afraid to ask for or accept help.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Hope the situation improves.

man.

much love out to you for what you're going through, and about to go through.

this post reminded me that it is coming up on... 4 years? or 3? since my pop passed. it has been a blur and i, in many ways, have not been the same.

i'm blessed that my mom is still here, but yeah, this is a tough road.

and having read the whole post (till now), so many elements of your (and others) stories ring true / familiar.

even to the getting your hopes up before the turn for worse.

i don't have time to reply like i wanna reply right now, but just stay up. even though people can really get on your nerves during this time, try to be gracious and let time do it's thing. i didn't ever think i'd talk to my sister again after all the drama with my dad's hospitalization, slide into poor health and eventual passing.

keep your own strength and up so that you can stand, and also so those around you can lean on you. these are some tough times comping but you will make it through.

and i'm so sorry for the rest of y'all who've been going through things.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

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I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

.