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|Forum name||General Discussion|
|Topic subject||How have you handled your S.O emotionally "cheating" ?|
13338159, How have you handled your S.O emotionally "cheating" ?|
Posted by j., Thu Jun-13-19 02:16 PM
to be clear I'm talking building an emotional connection with someone else
a co-worker, classmate, etc
no physical cheating, I gotta stress this
I'm talking the "work wife/husband" thing
the texting/e-mailing all day
the lunch dates
the inside jokes
the deep convos
the building up of emotional intimacy and connection
again, they ain't smashing, but everything else is there
Basically Jim and Pam in The Office the first 2 seasons
Remember Pam had a man the whole time
Clearly something is off in the relationship if your partner is off making emotional connections with someone else right?
But we spend more time at work than we do at home
It's only natural that men and women around each other 40+ hours a week, friendships and connections develop right?
I'm struggling with this now
One part of me says the game is the game and women are always choosing
if his game is tighter and one day she comes home on some "I choose him" than that's all she wrote
I'm not on some trying to control women or jealousy shit
I can only be me
Another part of me is pissed at dude's audacity and disrespect
He knows she has a man
but keeps on like it's all good
I'm the type that if a female tells me she has a man then she's dead to me and I'll keep it strictly cordial
no flirting, no talking all day, no nothing
but every dude ain't like me
So it's either
Let it go and let her make her choice (can't control anyone)
See dude and make it clear she's spoken for (Did I mention he's married?)
13338161, she has a friend she would probably fuck if you were not together?|
Posted by tomjohn29, Thu Jun-13-19 02:26 PM
am I reading this right?
13338163, Maybe. I can't call it|
Posted by j., Thu Jun-13-19 02:32 PM
Could go either way really
13338172, If she’s doing this while with you...|
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Jun-13-19 02:52 PM
don’t lie to yourself man
Shit sucks but life is too short.
13338162, get yourself a new "friend" and let it be known|
Posted by liveguy, Thu Jun-13-19 02:30 PM
or rather than play games...just end it with her.
She'll know why...no need to explain.
If she wants to be with you, she'll adjust...if not...better to rip the band-aid off now...
13338165, I got divorced.|
Posted by Monkey Genius, Thu Jun-13-19 02:42 PM
Wasn't no turning back at that point.
Your shit may not be as far gone as my shit, though.
13338167, If we ain’t married I’m canceling her ass like Nino Brown|
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Jun-13-19 02:45 PM
Verbally, not physically.
If I’m married I’m putting in more work if it’s worth it
It really depends if I’m on top of things. It I’m doing my thing, getting it in I can’t be mad because I slipped up.
You can’t be mad at dude tho, he isn’t in a relationship with you. SHE IS.
If this is the different religion, pendulum swinging going to the Army chick you need to move on b.
She trying to tell you without telling you. Don’t go though her phone either. You don’t want to see that shit b.
13338173, Talk to your spouse!!! OPENLY |
Posted by Mori, Thu Jun-13-19 02:53 PM
I really can't understand how hard it is to lay your feelings out to your spouse. This situation makes you uncomfortable. Regardless if it is rational or not.
You are each other's FIRST priority, not some random warm body who is giving her attention.
I just know that married people crave attention. Spouses take each other's needs for affection, freshness, newness for granted. Then they throw it all away for a vapid relationship that just filled a need.
When I "cheated" on my ex, I remember the day I decided to cheat. I drove to see my ex and surprise him at work for lunch. I wanted to have an old fashioned make out session in the car. He rejected me that day and later that night when we got home. I was crying the whole weekend and the next man who gave me attention got my phone number.
That was the beginning of the end.
I didn't tell my ex how his rejection made me feel inside. After it was all over, my ex said he felt like he ate something bad and didn't want to kiss me with bad breath, LOL. So stupid but it was more an ongoing thing where he labeled me horny and I felt shamed for wanting him. He thought work and saving for our future was more important than sex.
Don't say it is out of your control. Take your woman away for a staycation in a hotel, have some good deep loving orgasm married sex. Wake up and talk about your feelings. Dont' let a court, lawyer or judge determine your future with your wife.
Take away the guess work.
13338191, this is good...thank you for sharing that|
Posted by Dstl1, Thu Jun-13-19 03:37 PM
13338202, To be clear though: the man who you decided to cheat with was NOT|
Posted by kfine, Thu Jun-13-19 03:51 PM
a coworker, correct? Or it was?
Because aside from their trust issue, it seems the actual one-on-one workplace dynamic is what seems to be troubling him.
>I remember the day I decided to
>cheat. I drove to see my ex and surprise him at work for
>lunch. I wanted to have an old fashioned make out session in
>the car. He rejected me that day and later that night when we
>got home. I was crying the whole weekend and the next man who
>gave me attention got my phone number.
13338210, Someone I saw frequently in a work-like setting|
Posted by Mori, Thu Jun-13-19 04:01 PM
I know that as we get older, people don't hit on each other, they plant little seeds. I saw the cheating man frequently and he would say all the right things, get very close to me and stand over me in a way that turned me on.
I am not blaming anyone for my actions. But I think we need to have the difficult conversations to make relationships go the long haul.
I wish I told my ex that his rejection was making me want the arms of another man. I wish my ex told me that my frequent requests for sex made him feel that our future wasn't important.
We could have avoided so many problems and might even still be together. We had worked out so many kinks, but open, honest and immediate communication was not there.
13338236, Ok, I totally hear you.|
Posted by kfine, Thu Jun-13-19 04:55 PM
Thanks for sharing, too
13338291, This is why I made the married man sex rejection post|
Posted by legsdiamond, Fri Jun-14-19 09:18 AM
A lot of women take it there when rejected for sex.
Was that the only reason or the last straw?
13338175, "Don't ever talk to a girl...|
Posted by Mack, Thu Jun-13-19 02:55 PM
who says she just has a friend" - Biz Markie
13338177, Hmmm... Can I ask to what degree you can confirm the "cheating" part?|
Posted by kfine, Thu Jun-13-19 03:07 PM
Like has she broken down to you about having feelings or attraction for this guy or something?? Or does she vigorously deny there's anything to worry about? Speaking of which - has the issue even been confronted? Or is it more of an insecurities running wild type of thing?
Not trying to minimize anyone's feelings either, I promise. But I've had a number of "work bros" throughout my career (where there was zero zero ZERO attraction whatsoever nor any risk of it) and I figured maybe I could offer some insight from a "work sis" perspective lol..
The thing is, when I went down your list of criteria... I would say that a lot of those criteria fit my "work bro" dynamics as well (except for the lunch "date" thing... sometimes you just grab food with people man lol. And now that I think about it, it was almost never one-on-one and always in a small group).
With my last work bro, I actually made a point to become friends with his wifey also. So, outside of work, they're a package deal. And if I check my phone, I may have a ton of text exchanges with him but I also have a significant number with her as well as group chats with the two of them together. If I hang out with them, it's usually through her because she's the social secretary of the two. I've met a bunch of their friends and family and they've met a bunch of mine, etc. It's honestly just the most platonic vibe on the planet, and the thought of anything even remotely suggestive turns my stomach.
But if she was the insecure type (which I don't suspect she is but I don't involve myself in their relationship), I could see such a partner itemizing all of those things you mention and perhaps connecting dots that aren't necessarily connected.
In my most recent case, I think the work bro and I became tight because we were the only 2 black people in technical roles in our unit, which just helped in terms of having a support system/alliance when bs arose as it always tends to for black professionals. Plus, our offices were situated across the hall from one another so there was always opportunity for banter or venting or whatever. He was also one of the strongest with his skillset around, so I eagerly and proudly sought help/mentorship from him many times too. And in the reverse, he needed less from me on anything technical but I often had his back politically in meetings or to leadership or whatever.
So ya. Unless there's been some confession (from at least one party) of feelings or attraction, I don't know that I would read as much into the dynamic. Careers are stressful. I always leave every job with at least a couple super-close friends. For me, alliances are as much about coping as they are about networking. I don't know the age range here either, though, which might be a factor. What industry are we talking about?
Posted by j., Thu Jun-13-19 04:03 PM
They have to get licensed and she just completed the last one
Around a month ago she was constantly mentioning dude and how he wasn't making the grade
The first couple of times I didn't care
but after hearing his name more than 3x my antenna went up
I chose to file that for later and not say anything
More recently right before I left on my trip
I happened to glance over as she was texting one day after work
and out of the corner of my eye saw his initials in the imessage
I could also see that it was a long text thread
I was flying overseas so I again decided to let it go
Then I had the damm dream on the way back
I'm thinking she built a connection with dude based on the rough time we were going through
but if we talked and worked it out
why is the connection still ongoing?
13338238, I see. Were you gone on your trip for a long period? Sounds like weeks|
Posted by kfine, Thu Jun-13-19 05:21 PM
if your antenna first went up about a month ago, and you've departed for and returned from an international trip since then.
I do sympathize with the way this has been bothering you so much you've even dreamed about it :( That's sad. I think your girl would/should want to know that.
There's only so much a stranger/outsider can say, since we don't know yall. But ya I think you're displaying clear symptoms of need-to-communicate-itis. You are bottling this trust issue up inside you and it is not only making you feel uneasy, but it could be affecting other areas of your relationship/communications too (you say you two have been having a rough patch lately).
I also think it might help to just take some deep breaths over this, and ask yourself even IF she was feeling connected to dude, how deep could such a connection get in the span of a few weeks.
But judging just from my own personal work sis view?? If it was me it would literally just be some funny dude from training that I'm telling my man about *shrug* You mention below that you're going to a hh with them tomorrow, and I think that's PERFECT. I think work friendships become waaay more sustainable when the SOs know everyone.
There's a risk that making the friendship a "thing" could multiply into more and bigger fights down the road, unless you anticipate her quitting the job she JUST got that she's CLEARLY enjoying, making friends at, etc.
So ya. I say think about what's sustainable here. Not just for the two of you, but for you personally. It may not actually be your relationship.
13338471, TELL HER. have a conversation. say how you're feeling|
Posted by Damali, Sat Jun-15-19 05:41 PM
that's what marriage is about.
I'm thinking you're making this post after you discussed it and then she kept on
she needs to know that it bothers you. period. you're allowed to feel how you feel about it
13338179, If she leaves, she leaves|
Posted by Adwhizz, Thu Jun-13-19 03:12 PM
That would be a bad life choice on HER part.
All I'm going to do is keep focusing on me/remaining dope
13338185, the difference in tone between replies from women vs replies from men|
Posted by kfine, Thu Jun-13-19 03:22 PM
on this site are always so telling.
damn yall, lol
13338200, Haha.. right. |
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Jun-13-19 03:50 PM
Mori putting in work but also revealing that once a good girl goes bad.. she gone.
I know people need attention but some folks need so much it doesn’t matter what you do.
13338186, Ahh..I'll be back...but I was the "cheater"|
Posted by tully_blanchard, Thu Jun-13-19 03:22 PM
Let me finish these studies right quick..
The Greatest Story (N)ever Told (finished)
13338188, As long as it doesn't cross the line into an actual relationship...|
Posted by flipnile, Thu Jun-13-19 03:27 PM
...then I'm cool. I'm sure my girl finds other dudes sexy and wants to fuck them. Just like I want to fuck a bunch of women.
If it's just a coworker that she laughs at his jokes then goes home, then no problem.
If things ever got active (lunch dates, phone calls, texting, social media, etc.) then I'd bounce, period. Decision has already been made.
Don't et anyone shame you into thinking you're "insecure." You are not, just rational.
Also, hollering at other women (you don't even have to get their number) is a great way to keep your game sharp as a dude.
13338193, There absolutely is insecurity involved here, whether his partner|
Posted by kfine, Thu Jun-13-19 03:39 PM
is trustworthy or not.
In this instance, what would be healthiest and most mature is not denial but rather communication.
That's about as much as anyone could credibly advise, not knowing the intricacies of his relationship.
>Don't et anyone shame you into thinking you're "insecure." You
>are not, just rational.
13338199, Communication about infedilty seems like it doesn't work|
Posted by flipnile, Thu Jun-13-19 03:50 PM
>In this instance, what would be healthiest and most mature is
>not denial but rather communication.
Assume that she is cheating... she's already shown that she's not honest.
I'd recommend that he makes his own mind up, and not to dismiss his own thoughts and feelings about the situation.
13338231, Hm. Welp. My read is there's absolutlely zero evidence of infidelity|
Posted by kfine, Thu Jun-13-19 04:42 PM
based on what he described to us. Only friendship.
It's not like he said he saw texts between his girl and her coworker about meeting up to fuck. He just said they text a lot and grab food sometimes.
Texting a member of the opposite sex is grounds for dismissal now? What kind of sharia workplace law bullshit is this?? lol
Yall are projecting
>Assume that she is cheating... she's already shown that she's
>I'd recommend that he makes his own mind up, and not to
>dismiss his own thoughts and feelings about the situation.
13338293, You could be 100% right. |
Posted by legsdiamond, Fri Jun-14-19 09:22 AM
However, he knows his SO better than any of us.
They’ve been arguing. Maybe it’s totally his insecurity or maybe there is a pattern?
It’s rare that people have these types of emotional affairs when everything is going good.
13338302, this happens way more during happy times.|
Posted by tariqhu, Fri Jun-14-19 09:41 AM
>It’s rare that people have these types of emotional affairs
>when everything is going good.
that's why the SO's are so often surprised cuz it seems to come out nowhere.
maybe the happy times are delusions on one side or the other, but still.
13338345, I respectfully disagree|
Posted by legsdiamond, Fri Jun-14-19 12:34 PM
If they are happy then they aren’t looking to connect with anyone else
Posted by tariqhu, Fri Jun-14-19 02:21 PM
I see your point, but I don't believe that all of them are looking. sometimes relationships form without any intent. then become something else.
Posted by legsdiamond, Fri Jun-14-19 02:58 PM
13338218, No one wants to have a hard convo anymore |
Posted by Mori, Thu Jun-13-19 04:15 PM
Cheating, infidelity, suspicion, insecurity, jealousy are natural feelings in a relationship. A hot woman or man or someone who is more their "type" can make anyone feel uneasy in a relationship.
But how about we talk about these feelings??? How about we explore why someone wants to cheat? How about we accept that people are human and have emotional needs. Try to bond with her instead of breaking up, if that doesn't work then yes, move on. But don't think this won't come up again in a romantic endeavor.
Posted by kfine, Thu Jun-13-19 04:38 PM
>But how about we talk about these feelings??? How about we
>explore why someone wants to cheat? How about we accept that
>people are human and have emotional needs. Try to bond with
>her instead of breaking up, if that doesn't work then yes,
>move on. But don't think this won't come up again in a
13338189, There will be POAST!|
Posted by NoDrawls McGraw, Thu Jun-13-19 03:27 PM
13338198, She invited me to a work happy hour tomorrow|
Posted by j., Thu Jun-13-19 03:49 PM
No idea if dude will be there or not
I do want to talk to her about this
Debating whether to bring it up tonight or wait until after tomorrow
I was gone for 2 weeks and got back a couple of days ago
So everything right now is honeymoon lovey dovey
But on the flight back home
I had a dream that I was on the phone with her
We were both outside, talking normally
and the call started breaking up
me: hello? hello?
her: *calls out dude's name like trying to get his attention*
I wake up
I'm in the plane like WTF? No subconscious Freudian interpretation needed on that one
We've had our rough patches (the Army thing, which is DOA now that she has a banking job)
I can see the scenario plain as day:
She shows up at this new gig, new faces, new scene, new training class
everyone is happy to be there, best behavior, attractive men and women everywhere
Get assigned to groups, everyone intros themselves, all smiles
"OMG, we have such and such in common!"
Cliques form, good vibes all around, numbers are exchanged for the group chat
Meanwhile at home, it's not all sweet
there's been arguments, drama, tears, etc
We love each other, we wanna make it work, we talk clearly and decide to stay together
Weeks go by at work
dude is courteous, professional, etc etc
work texts are exchanged
you know the rest
13338204, So how do you know she is emotionally cheating? |
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Jun-13-19 03:55 PM
Have you read the text?
Are you assuming the worst.
Do you know and just don’t want to go there?
Just wondering how sure you are about this work romance.
13338215, my gut feeling is blinking red|
Posted by j., Thu Jun-13-19 04:11 PM
You saw Chernobyl?
that's what I feel like right now, the board is blinking red
There's no "gotcha" text
Just feeling something is off
13338230, When you know, you know!!! |
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Jun-13-19 04:40 PM
13338211, dont bring it up.|
Posted by Bob Darker, Thu Jun-13-19 04:02 PM
13338221, ^ THIS 100x|
Posted by flipnile, Thu Jun-13-19 04:27 PM
Keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself until you figure things out for yourself. Try not to treat her weird, or act distant. Just observe. Talk to her like normal.
Maybe you're tripping, maybe you're not. Figure it out first before you go and tip your hand and start getting the "you're just insecure!s" thrown at you.
13338212, talk to her tonight so you can enjoy the happy hour|
Posted by makaveli, Thu Jun-13-19 04:03 PM
just do it.
13338216, Go thru her phone like Drake first. |
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Jun-13-19 04:14 PM
13338225, I think yall should def talk about it. But AFTER the hh. Observe 1st.|
Posted by kfine, Thu Jun-13-19 04:33 PM
Maybe witnessing the vibe in person will help. Maybe the guy's a total slob? Or maybe he's not even straight?!
Another thing, and sorry if this is overstepping but: the way you talk about the dynamic is so... inevitable sounding.
As if there's just no alternative outcome to her being around men other than you than her instantly becoming more attracted.
You should know that, even IF that was the case, it would expose a lot more about her than you.
Regardless of what's going on at her job, think better about yourself.
I mean, you know your partner better than we ever could.. but tbh your happiness shouldn't depend on her every breath and action. That's such a volatile life. So if you're confident, based on her history or character, that she's the flitty flighty type who can't befriend another guy without fucking him... perhaps such a person is not a good match for you??
Challenge yourself to elevate past emotionally immature tactics. Contrary to what many in this post are recommending, a lot of women find insecure stubborn emotionally-closed-off men who refuse to communicate extremely frustrating and unattractive.
Strive for emotional maturity for YOU. For YOUR mental health and attractiveness. And if you two are truly a good match for the long run, then the communication and emotional maturity will help your relationship too. If not, then it'll help your future relationship(s). Just don't make it about a few lunches and texts. This sounds way deeper than that.
13338296, This is my plan, however dude may not show|
Posted by j., Fri Jun-14-19 09:26 AM
It's wait and see tonight
13338232, Have a few drinks and then confront the guy|
Posted by sectachrome86, Thu Jun-13-19 04:43 PM
13338285, LMAO Please don't do this!|
Posted by Paps_Smear, Fri Jun-14-19 08:09 AM
If it goes wrong its going to go REALLY wrong.
Not only did you get drunk and step to ol boy she's been confiding in, but if the nigga whoop you then its really gonna be over.
He comforts her AND he can fight? What reason she got to stay?
Posted by flipnile, Fri Jun-14-19 01:24 PM
All I can think of, lol. That scene made my soul burn with rage.
13338466, Classic scene.|
Posted by NoDrawls McGraw, Sat Jun-15-19 03:16 PM
Clifton absolutely BODIED that scene!
13338463, *jack nicholson heafnod gif*|
Posted by naame, Sat Jun-15-19 12:55 PM
America has imported more warlord theocracy from Afghanistan than it has exported democracy.
13338468, LOL! ! !|
Posted by NoDrawls McGraw, Sat Jun-15-19 03:24 PM
13338201, i once had a work wife|
Posted by Cam, Thu Jun-13-19 03:50 PM
after years of segmenting our platonic relationship from her actual happy marriage, husband was a nice guy, she started complaining about him. especially at happy hours and out of the office events. i'd always pretended not to hear, or i'd change the topic. soon she started hinting at a separation. one night out, she invited me over to her apt, not the house she shared with her husband. i was also having similar relationship problems at the time. as much as i wanted to go i didn't, but knew after that if we'd have continued we'd be fucking and the friendship would be over. we haven't had a significant conversation since that night...years ago, except social media pleasantries, we also dont work together anymore.
13338209, she playin' that good ole' "I have options" game|
Posted by Bob Darker, Thu Jun-13-19 04:01 PM
it always starts off harmless, then you add some drinks, then it turns into "it didn't mean anything or it just happened"
Don't talk to her about this...
Communicating your feeling about this will only tell her you're worried about her leaving you....
Do NOT give her the pleasure of knowing that.
Instead, start hittin' the gym heavy and working on things you're passionate about.
Get you some new gear, and step your overall appearance game up.
Holla to other women and display to yourself that you have options too.
Sad fact is, people are only as loyal as their options.
13338219, TERRIBLE ADVICE!!!!|
Posted by Mori, Thu Jun-13-19 04:19 PM
The point is not to win her or prove to her that you are the man. The point is to learn to communicate how something makes you feel in a masculine and honest way.
Every relationship is about growth.
Hopping from person to person only leaves people feeling empty, unfulfilled and disposable. It doesn't matter if he meets his dream woman,he will still have to learn to communicate about a difficult topic.
13338220, It's good advice, just for the wrong reasons|
Posted by flipnile, Thu Jun-13-19 04:23 PM
He should start self-improvement for HIMSELF, and not to save a relationship or win anyone over, etc.
I recommend that all men self-improve. Having growth and hobbies means he can generate his own happiness, which means that he's not dependent on anyone else for that, which means he's independent in that area.
13338235, that's exactly what i meant..never said nothin about doing it for her|
Posted by Bob Darker, Thu Jun-13-19 04:51 PM
13338222, Prove to her? Prove what? The advice is for HIM!|
Posted by Bob Darker, Thu Jun-13-19 04:28 PM
I'm telling homie to control what he can...which is HIMSELF!
She gonna do what she gonna do regardless.
He needs to start focusing more on self.
13338226, You gave great advice here though|
Posted by Lil Rabies, Thu Jun-13-19 04:33 PM
Hopping to the next person seems right. After all that is how I found my dream woman. But as you said the fundamental need for communication remains to assert yourself in a clear way to really be the man. One of the strongest things Mahershala's character from S3 of True Detective did was tell his wife in a conversation that something she was doing could actually make him cry.
13338246, I can smoke a bag of that...|
Posted by NoDrawls McGraw, Thu Jun-13-19 06:21 PM
>The point is not to win her or prove to her that you are the
>man. The point is to learn to communicate how something makes
>you feel in a masculine and honest way.
>Every relationship is about growth.
>Hopping from person to person only leaves people feeling
>empty, unfulfilled and disposable. It doesn't matter if he
>meets his dream woman,he will still have to learn to
>communicate about a difficult topic.
^ ^ ^This is surgically on-point!
13338241, While he’s at the gym pumping iron|
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Jun-13-19 05:32 PM
He gotta see this dude tomorrow and peep the chemistry.
13338318, What you trying to say? Other dude's gonna be pumping something else?|
Posted by flipnile, Fri Jun-14-19 10:34 AM
lol, all of a sudden I read this differently.
13338319, I mean... |
Posted by legsdiamond, Fri Jun-14-19 10:39 AM
Not trying to be rude but this advice basically tells him to give up on this relationship.
So yeah. If he focused on himself and hit the gym and did all the things he wanted to do to make him attractive to more people..
What you think she is going to be doing?
Waiting for him?
13338243, definitely confront the other guy, best to do it where they work too|
Posted by GOMEZ, Thu Jun-13-19 05:48 PM
I would also make sure to punch him just so he gets the message.
On the real, forget about this specific dude and focus on what’s going on w you and your lady. There’s always gonna be dudes around. If you and your lady are straight then they won’t matter.
Or just punch the guy at happy hour tomorrow. And punch the guy after that, and the guy after that on into infinity.
13338255, but if you go the punch route plz bring a friend to livestream it|
Posted by Rjcc, Thu Jun-13-19 08:22 PM
and drop a link for your people
also plz don't do that.
www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at
13338256, So yeah...I had an emotional affair|
Posted by tully_blanchard, Thu Jun-13-19 08:24 PM
This was back like...lets see...I moved in 2013...s maybe it started in 2010? 2011?
This was when I was heavily into djing, and my wife got sick of talking about it/hearing about it. I knew a female dj that lived in Atlanta, so we just started texting about the bs of getting gigs/promoters...dj shit. I actually came to the A and hung with her one night. She was djing, I was drinking on her tab, it was cool. Now, I had known her for years...she's my ex sister in law, so I'd known her since she was in high school. I never looked at her as somebody I would smash if given the opportunity..I just always saw her as a peer...somebody I could talk shop with and bounce ideas off of and trade music..somebody who was invested in this (djing) as much as I was. The emotional part came in because, again, this is someone who understood what I was going through, and somebody I could give advice to. Her presence was important, because I was receiving full support from this person...something I wasnt getting at home anymore.
When we moved to Atlanta in 2013, she asked if I could cover one of her gigs and I told her I would. The family was still in Charlotte, so I called wifey and told her that I had fell into a gig. When she asked me how I got it, I told her. Don't know why I thought she'd be okay with that...but she wasnt, lol. Needless to say 6 years later I still hear about it...and how it bothers her that she'll never know the full extent of the relationship between me and her. I told her (wifey) why I did it, and she made me feel guilty for it. I guess she had a right to...she was busy with home stuff and here I am djing 5 nights a week. Anyway...it's prolly just about attention. We all like to have attention from the opposite sex, whether we'd really cross the line or not. Go and meet ol boy...not to be Bad Ass husband or anything, but acknowledgement can go a long way in these tyoes of situations
The Greatest Story (N)ever Told (finished)
13338273, If you’re the Roy to your woman’s Pam|
Posted by seandammit, Fri Jun-14-19 01:46 AM
Wouldn’t you want her to find her Jim?
13338421, This was also an episode of Friends. OKP biting old episodes now.|
Posted by GOMEZ, Fri Jun-14-19 05:09 PM
some Ross & Rachel shit.
13338331, It's probably a wrap|
Posted by stattic, Fri Jun-14-19 10:57 AM
I have not been on that side of the equation, but people tend to be shopping around when something isn't right at home. That is clearly a generalization. Do you feel any kind of disconnect between the two of you?
13338407, If you know you know.|
Posted by Mafamaticks, Fri Jun-14-19 03:20 PM
Long ass text threads is sign one.
Women do goofy shit like invite their options around their SO in some form or capacity. Maybe it's to convince themselves they aren't doing anything wrong. I digress. She already mentioning him at home. And she inviting you to the happy hour. Sign two.
They already spend mad time at work together. Sign 3.
You got that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Sign 4. the fact that you're even posting this lets me know you ain't somebody that's willing to fly off the handle on some jealous shit. You ain't crazy fam.
Tell her you don't feel comfortable with it and be willing to walk away from the shit. at that point she can stop bullshitting herself (sign 2) and make a conscious decision to decide if she's gonna lie to you about their relationship or not. From there, if she is on some bullshit, she's gonna make you feel like you're crazy because you won't have any proof until you go through her phone. But at that point you did what you're supposed to do.
Cheating is a gradual process for women generally speaking. If you don't say anything, she's gonna feel comfortable enough to build another relationship IN FRONT OF YOU. Then she'll lie to you to go hang out with him outside of work. Why it's happening is another post, but it's happening so this is my advice on how to deal with it. Best thing you can do is dead the shit now and leave with what you have. The longer you wait, the more she's gonna convince herself that you ain't shit, until you ain't, then you're gonna be on the losing end.
I've been a work husband twice and I wound up fucking both of them. I was also in your shoes 15 years ago. I let a lot of shit slide and I had to go through her phone to find out she lied to me. I went through that so you wouldn't have to
13338420, Damn. That’s some real shit|
Posted by legsdiamond, Fri Jun-14-19 04:29 PM
See, the whole “right in front of your face” shit is what gets me.
I’ve been played like that before.
To see if you are paying attention to the details
13338428, I hate to see another nigga go through it man. |
Posted by Mafamaticks, Fri Jun-14-19 08:29 PM
I convinced myself I was tripping and allowed her to do all that fuck shit. Same feeling in my gut and all.
Shit was 15 years ago and even reading this shit got me hot lol
13338432, LOL. Real shit tho.....|
Posted by NoDrawls McGraw, Fri Jun-14-19 08:41 PM
13338440, This is why the early conversation doesn't work.|
Posted by Monkey Genius, Fri Jun-14-19 09:20 PM
>Cheating is a gradual process for women generally speaking.
While you see the trouble coming in advance, all she sees is her current innocence.
13338448, Only advice you NEED is here.|
Posted by isaaaa, Fri Jun-14-19 11:10 PM
Anti-gentrification, cheap alcohol & trying to look pretty in our twilight posting years (c) Big Reg
13338465, I'm sorry but checks >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> dick and it's not even close.|
Posted by kfine, Sat Jun-15-19 02:07 PM
>I've been a work husband twice and I wound up fucking both of
>them. I was also in your shoes 15 years ago. I let a lot of
>shit slide and I had to go through her phone to find out she
>lied to me. I went through that so you wouldn't have to
What kind of organizations/industries are yall working in that you can even get away with shitting where you eat like this???
Off the strength of this post I thought about each and every friendship or clique I've ever been a part of or observed in a workplace environment for over a decade. And this is easy to do because I'm still friends/associates with many folks even to today.
In the professional/corporate environments, no one was ever, had ever, or was even rumored to have been fucking. I know of TWO friends who started hooking up with guys they worked with but both couples connected AFTER dudes left the company and both ended up getting married (one divorced a few years later, but still lol).
Even looking back on my bartending days, the VAST MAJORITY of women working at the club were NOT cheating on their bfs or husbands with other coworkers, owners, patrons, etc (the male owners/bartenders/barbacks were another story however). The only two women I can think of who did were just kind of wired that way and always embroiled in some form of sexual or financial scandal, and both were "dating" an owner or bartender who was regularly generating similar drama.
Industry networks, especially at the city level, are small as hell. It would not take much for a person or even a company to develop "a reputation."
AS IF I would risk my livelihood, reputation, or even day-to-day comfort at a job I NEED to hook up with dudes at work. Lol. I've never even met another professional woman who "doesn't" think this way. Like even if I was SUPER desperate, I would literally want to look ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE PLANET than my workplace.
Yall are doing this man a disservice with these garbage-ass takes.
IF his girl is in fact stepping out, then that's her and they should deal with their relationship accordingly. But it's definitely not so normal to start a new corporate job and immediately begin fucking the first man one meets there that EVERY friendly interaction with a woman in a work environment should be interpreted as suggestive.
Please stop projecting your trifling, thirsty, predatory, unprofessional bullshit onto all working women.
13338467, Call Center for $1500, Alex.|
Posted by NoDrawls McGraw, Sat Jun-15-19 03:22 PM
>>What kind of organizations/industries are yall working in that you can even get away with shitting where you eat like this???<<
BRUH! It goes down inna Call Center.
Dem broads be bussin it down 'cus that line of work is so stressful, ninjaz & ninjettes gotta get dat close-proximity nut!
13338469, LO fucking L|
Posted by Mafamaticks, Sat Jun-15-19 04:10 PM
>What kind of organizations/industries are yall working in that
>you can even get away with shitting where you eat like
Nigga, almost any organization that has a decent amount of employees and do company parties and happy hours. I'm in IT so my services are required in a wide variety of industries. And it ain't shitting where you eat until you look back at how it transpired. Until shit goes left it's manageable. I wanna know where YOU work at.
From call centers back in the day to where I work at now, which is the largest fleet management company in the world, niggas is fucking. They just fired a secretary cause she got caught fucking a VP in one of the conference rooms after hours. The VP is still there though but I digress.
>AS IF I would risk my livelihood, reputation, or even
>day-to-day comfort at a job I NEED to hook up with dudes at
>work. Lol. I've never even met another professional woman who
>"doesn't" think this way. Like even if I was SUPER desperate,
>I would literally want to look ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE PLANET
>than my workplace.
Nigga that's you. That ain't OPs girl, or the 2 girls i still fuck with, or the nigga who got that secretary fired, or so on and so forth. For every case you say it ain't happening, me and almost everyone else in this post can show you otherwise. lol @ hot takes. Ok ma. You got niggas in here talking about "go to the happy hour" but I'm the one with the hot takes? I'm speaking from experience.
I wish a nigga would go meet and be cordial with a nigga that's tryna fuck my house up and fuck my girl.
>IF his girl is in fact stepping out, then that's her and they
>should deal with their relationship accordingly. But it's
>definitely not so normal to start a new corporate job and
>immediately begin fucking the first man one meets there that
>EVERY friendly interaction with a woman in a work environment
>should be interpreted as suggestive.
>Please stop projecting your trifling, thirsty, predatory,
>unprofessional bullshit onto all working women.
Who's even arguing any of this shit? If anything you the one projecting in here.
13338470, Almost my whole career has been public sector corporate environments|
Posted by kfine, Sat Jun-15-19 05:29 PM
so yes, on exactly that "one" thing we can agree. Industry/organization type probably does have something to do with it.
I'm thinking age and seniority/executive level likely influence behavior as well. At least for professional women.
But that's about all I think is worth saying about that, after reading through this reasoning.
There's clearly a lack of alignment in professional judgement, circles, and ambitions between me and anyone engaging in or even cosigning that type of shit at the workplace.
Like real talk I never want to hear any of yall complain about a pay gap or promotion snub or anything if this is the shit you are or have been up to. What are your priorities??
Of course I'm aware it happens but tbh I don't even move with people or in spaces where that kind of thing would fly, so.
I stand by every single thing I wrote, ESPECIALLY the last part.
13338472, Get your money sis, but this post ain't about you. |
Posted by Mafamaticks, Sat Jun-15-19 06:37 PM
Ain't nobody arguing what you do. Nobody cares about what you consider to be a lack in professional judgement. That's another post. shit for all you know OP's girl is way more "professional" than you, but because she may be starting another relationship with another nigga at her job, you question her judgement. The fucking audacity lol
If you don't move with niggas that do this shit, or know anybody that does, then you shouldn't speak on it or give advice about it, cause you just wrong. Age, level, seniority don't have shit to do with any of it. These are affairs of the heart.
lol @ priorities? We're professionals. Juggling more than one project isn't a rare skill. Promotion snubs? Pay gaps? because dating is that hard huh?
Posted by NoDrawls McGraw, Sat Jun-15-19 06:48 PM
13338475, You're right, it's not. And you're right, the OP's girl may be more|
Posted by kfine, Sat Jun-15-19 07:15 PM
professional or senior or accomplished than me. I hope she is.
But if she is, then I'm willing to bet she is far more likely to conduct herself in a professional environment like me as opposed to like you.
All I could contribute to the OP is what the specific criteria he listed translated to in work friendships I, as a woman, have had with male colleagues in a corporate environment. That's relevant.
The few women that have responded in this post have not been cosigning any of the passive-aggressive, emotionally-inept, relationship-killing, non-communicative trash you guys are promoting. That's relevant.
Your experience is yours, my experience is mine. The OP can judge for himself whose experiences resonate more given his situation.
13338476, Based on what?|
Posted by Mafamaticks, Sat Jun-15-19 08:45 PM
>But if she is, then I'm willing to bet she is far more likely
>to conduct herself in a professional environment like me as
>opposed to like you.
Because I had sex with 2 women out of the 1000s of women I've worked with, she's somehow more likely to act professional in a professional environment than I am? You think those 2 women that I was with weren't professional? You think I tricked them out of some pussy or something? Shit just a minute ago you questioned her judgement, now she's more professional than me. You really hung up on this professional shit huh? Like being professional makes you a better human or some shit.
Fucking a co-worker is not the same as being work spouse. I think you're confusing the two.
I never said your experience as a woman was invalid, but when you jump out the gate talking I, I, I, me, me, me AND don't roll with niggas that do this shit? Then look down on people that do? Then have the nerve to say we got garbage hot takes, but don't even know how some people get down when it comes to this shit?
You invalidate yourself.
Y'all advice is different than dudes because the majority of y'all haven't been in LTRs with other women or been in this particular situation with a woman as your SO.
>Your experience is yours, my experience is mine. The OP can
>judge for himself whose experiences resonate more given his
I sincerely hope I'm wrong. I really do. All the signs are there though. We need an update.
13338481, Not really interested in taking this back + forth too much further, but:|
Posted by kfine, Sun Jun-16-19 01:05 AM
>Because I had sex with 2 women out of the 1000s of women I've
>worked with, she's somehow more likely to act professional in
>a professional environment than I am? You think those 2 women
>that I was with weren't professional? You think I tricked them
>out of some pussy or something? Shit just a minute ago you
>questioned her judgement, now she's more professional than me.
> You really hung up on this professional shit huh? Like being
>professional makes you a better human or some shit.
I question anyone's judgement who thinks its a good idea to make a habit of fucking coworkers. And no, I don't think professional conduct makes one a better human. I think professional conduct makes one a better professional.
Like the type of professional who has his priorities straight... or takes things like his pay and promotions seriously...
>Fucking a co-worker is not the same as being work spouse. I
>think you're confusing the two.
I'm not confusing shit. In fact, I believe I was one of the few/only posters in here trying to make the case to the OP that the specific behaviors he's worried about may NOT actually indicate any emotional or physical infidelity on his girl's part.
YALL are the ones who are basically like 'when we do those things it means we're cheating so basically assume she's cheating and end the relationship.' lol tf?
>I never said your experience as a woman was invalid, but when
>you jump out the gate talking I, I, I, me, me, me
You mean when I shared my experience as a woman?
>roll with niggas that do this shit? Then look down on people
>that do? Then have the nerve to say we got garbage hot takes,
>but don't even know how some people get down when it comes to
Again, you fail to account for the fact that his girl MAY NOT BE LIKE YOU. In fact he said right out the gate he feels QUITE CONFIDENT she's not fucking dude and is most uneasy about a possible emotional connection. That right there is entirely different than the trifling shit you're in here defending.
>Y'all advice is different than dudes because the majority of
>y'all haven't been in LTRs with other women or been in this
>particular situation with a woman as your SO.
Very true. Pretty sure I'd still roll with the women on this one though ;)
13338447, What do men expect when they allow their wives to work lol|
Posted by isaaaa, Fri Jun-14-19 11:04 PM
SMH, foolish mortals.
Anti-gentrification, cheap alcohol & trying to look pretty in our twilight posting years (c) Big Reg
Posted by kfine, Sat Jun-15-19 10:58 AM
13338474, lol fam|
Posted by Reeq, Sat Jun-15-19 07:12 PM
Posted by Amritsar, Mon Jun-17-19 11:42 AM
13338523, Update: spoke my piece, she spoke hers|
Posted by j., Mon Jun-17-19 09:02 AM
Friday happy hour: I went and dude didn't show (I expected that)
There were 3 other dudes and 2 other females (plus my girl and I)
they were all cool, the usual HH venting session
this one's an asshole, this one's cool, this one this, this one that
at one point, they got to talking on who's your favorite manager and co-worker?
what about this clique and that clique?
I think so and so might be hooking up
did you see when so and so was talking to so and so?
shit like that
my radar was on 100%
they mentioned mad names, his name was never mentioned
This made me think 2 things:
1- dude is a non-entity in the office
2- they were respectful enough not to embarrass her in front of her man (I go with this one based on precedent)
So we left, everything was cool
Saturday we had mad errands to do and everything was cool
However, Saturday going into Sunday, I couldn't sleep at all
I was up for damm near 3 hours thinking about the shit
then was up at 6 am and couldn't sleep anymore
She wakes up around 9 and I was HEATED
I couldn't take it anymore so I say
I need to talk to you about dude
When I was away I started getting very weird vibes and foul energy
then I have this clear as day dream on the flight back home
I need you to speak your truth
Did anything go down or was there any communications, anything beyond regular work talk?
They were planning a group outing to a hookah lounge
to celebrate that they were passing their certification tests
one by one the group flaked and bailed
so in the end it was them 2 and he said "do you want to go just the two of us?"
she was wishy washy cuz she was tired
they go back and forth about it
THEN after they finally settle on a time and place
(this was a Friday after work)
she asks if they want to go just the 2 of them (to confirm I guess)
(Did I mention dude's married?)
He flakes (kinda hard to get away from your wife for a couple hours friday night right?)
They decide to plan the group outing another time
that was that
(that's her story)
I discard all the other shit and focus on "just the 2 of us"
I ask "did his wife know? she's cool with that?"
She says she met the wife at a company picnic the week prior (I was gone so my girl went solo)
and that she's crazy jealous
It all comes together in my mind at that moment
dude is on a tight leash at home
starts a new gig, hits it off with an attractive unmarried woman
So I say
"Out of respect for her as a human being, one of you should tell her what's going on
she shouldn't be the odd one out, I know about it so it's only right she knows you're planning to hit a hookah lounge just the two of you"
My girl gets defensive
It's not like that
it's not a date
I don't want to date him, I love you, he's not a threat, etc etc
Ain't no dude asking to go out just the two of us unless he's got a vibe or green light or signal to even ask
if the group outing fell apart, that was the end of that
for him to ask that and then for you to follow up and ask the same thing
How would his wife feel?
What if I did that when you were out of town?
and then not even tell you about it?
After going back and forth
she admits "just the two of us" was wrong and the reason was she was tired of being cooped up at home
plus she hadn't gone out at all since her grandpa passed away a month ago (fact, I was there for all that)
bottom line she's depressed
I was gone, she wanted to go with the group, they bailed, he was still down
since according to her he's not a threat and she's not interested in him like that
it was cool to go to the lounge with him alone
but then he flaked so that was that
you met his wife, when do I meet him? why wasn't he at the HH?
that will happen, he couldn't make it, etc etc
resolved that I will meet dude ASAP
Then she got into
If you want me to stop talking to him I will
I won't text no more, no more going to lunch, etc
I call bullshit and say all that will do is create resentment
sure, she'll stop for a while
then some time passes and she'll be mad at me
for not letting her have friends, it will become the forbidden fruit
and we all know where that leads
So I say
I have zero interest in controlling your life
I don't work with you
you're a grown ass woman
you know what's right and wrong
do what you feel
Resolved that she will put distance between them
I take that with a grain of salt and emphasize that she shouldn't do that for me
if she wants to keep on with him that's her choice
she emphasizes that she's doing it for her and our relationship because she sees now how it can be misconstrued and can look wrong to someone looking from the outside (you know, like his spouse)
In the end
I made my feelings very clear, she hemmed and hawed until admitting it's not right, and claims she will fall back
13338526, the fact that hangout attempts was going on and you had no clue|
Posted by Bob Darker, Mon Jun-17-19 09:15 AM
she never mentioned none of that until she was pressed.
RED FLAG, man.
13338540, Noted and that's what I focused on|
Posted by j., Mon Jun-17-19 10:24 AM
She claims to have told me if they actually went
13338531, lol this is just the beginning.|
Posted by BrooklynWHAT, Mon Jun-17-19 09:49 AM
13338533, Ionno man. |
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Jun-17-19 10:07 AM
I see both sides of it.
Once people flaked that should’ve been the end of it. Cause after a few drinks the excuses start. “I wuz drunk!!!!”
Not trying to start anything but why can’t she go out with you or with other friends?
Going out to lunch tho... yeah, that dude was prolly in the prowl and it’s unfortunate your SO was in the mix. Sometimes tho... it’s totally innocent.
Buuuut, sometimes we like attention even when we know why we are getting it and that it’s the wrong type of attention.
13338538, The picnic and group plans happened when I was on a trip|
Posted by j., Mon Jun-17-19 10:22 AM
that whole hookah lounge episode, I was out of town
She was all I don't see him like that, it was a work thing, I don't shit where I eat, I'm not interested in dude, etc etc
So that's why I was adamant on "let's go the two of us"
2 sides to every story, I'm only getting hers
She says he brought it up first
then she did
I asked: if he didn't flake when you brought it up, would you have gone then?
She goes probably not, I was tired, I'm glad he flaked
me: so why bring it up in the first place?
To me this was some old I want attention but then dude was getting too close for comfort
We all know women can never get enough attention
shit has happened to me in the past
"what's all the smiling and hanging out for? is she being nice or is she interested?"
I'm putting this to rest once I meet dude
for now it's trust but verify (don't want to go through her phone but the truth always comes out anyway)
Posted by Damali, Mon Jun-17-19 02:42 PM
>We all know people can never get enough attention
fixed it for you.
and fuck u for that.
13338976, Bring that same energy to reply 111...|
Posted by spirit, Wed Jun-19-19 03:39 AM
...discussing “typical male motives”
Since we’re being aggressively gender balanced and all.
13338977, I had a feeling someone might go here. My exact words were:|
Posted by kfine, Wed Jun-19-19 04:54 AM
"So perhaps that's why I so strongly reject most posters in here projecting (what appear to be typically) male motives onto your girl. I guess I could just read what you described so many other ways. "
And I said it because in the post it's pretty much EXCLUSIVELY MEN pushing an assumption of prowl/cheating behavior on the part of the OP's girlfriend, and EXCLUSIVELY MEN defending the practice of - and insisting on the ubiquity of - inevitably hooking up with colleagues at a new job.
I know there's only a few of us women responding on okp these days to begin with, and we're certainly likely to have different views on things. But I found it noteworthy that exactly none of the women responding in here projected similar motives onto his girlfriend, and that we all seemed to coalesce around a sense that he just needs to communicate with her before jumping to a conclusion (a sentiment NOT initially shared by most men responding, btw)
In this case, my comment was less about men at large and more about the gendered dynamic playing out in the post.
You could have just communicated the offense you perceived to me directly down there though lol I don't bite :)
Posted by NoDrawls McGraw, Wed Jun-19-19 07:49 PM
Dumbmali cant help herself.
Posted by Bob Darker, Mon Jun-17-19 10:23 AM
>....but why can’t she go out with you or with other friends?
13338545, I get it. He’s out of town. She wants to do “something”|
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Jun-17-19 10:44 AM
then everyone flakes.
This is the time when a woman needs to put her big girl pants on and go out by herself.
or is that a no no in 2019?
13338577, Ya that part sounded more like she was just having a hard time|
Posted by kfine, Mon Jun-17-19 11:49 AM
speaking up to me. When you're happy that a person flakes, it means part of you didn't really want to go lol.
>This is the time when a woman needs to put her big girl pants
>on and go out by herself.
or hit up a friend outside of work? run some errands? go shopping/window-shopping? deep-condition her hair lol? enjoy the house to herself?
And let's not forget she could have always gone home and texted/called her man, too.
But I definitely got the sense there that she was open to hanging just to salvage the feeling of having plans/fun lined up, not for the rush of some secret tryst with homeboy.
13338534, good luck|
Posted by mista k5, Mon Jun-17-19 10:17 AM
good on you for bringing it up. i really dont know what a good way to handle it would be. i hope it works out for you guys.
13338549, Time to start *planning* that escape, bruh|
Posted by flipnile, Mon Jun-17-19 10:50 AM
Not saying you gotta bounce, but you should be prepared to if need be. I know I seem extreme sometimes but it's out of concern.
Every time I've been in or seen this situation it turned out the same way. Reality is she has a date set up with another dude, and kept it secret from you. All you gotta do is put yourself in the dude's position to get a good idea of the situation.
Hope it works out, either way.
13338553, Especially since he is married and HE flaked out|
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Jun-17-19 10:54 AM
now did he know J was out of town?
Cause if she let it be known then dude was prolly like “oh yeahhhh, Jen did the Chris Rock in the mirror look” and realized he was fucking up.
13338558, she said she would stop texting dude..the hell they texting about? Work?|
Posted by Bob Darker, Mon Jun-17-19 11:05 AM
I wish homie the best, but sound to me like he need to be on some ZERO TOLERANCE with this shit.
I know he don't wanna act hastily, but if it's allowed, it will be done.
13338562, Prolly dumb shit. |
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Jun-17-19 11:31 AM
But that’s how it starts.
13338600, Always starts off work then it moves into personal|
Posted by j., Mon Jun-17-19 12:59 PM
making plans, asking questions, how was your weekend, did you see x show on tv, bla bla bla and it snowballs from there
I shat where I ate before, I was single and so were they and it was always the same routine
13338649, Yup. I had an ex|
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Jun-17-19 02:26 PM
I had already broken up with her for some other fouls shit but still kept contact. She started a new gig and I knew it was a matter of time before the wolves attacked.
Watched it all unfold.
A few months later she came back around tail tucked trying to get that old thing back but nah.. she was damaged goods.
Good job communicating but one thing I have to say is if you have to continue to monitor and school her on grimy dudes you know the deal.
Nothing more frustrating than having to tell someone something they already know. People aren’t dumb but they play it when they are vulnerable.
13338668, But this "IS" a key difference though:|
Posted by kfine, Mon Jun-17-19 02:53 PM
>I was single and so were they
Single people interacting who are attracted to each other is different than partnered people interacting where at least one person is NOT attracted, no?
I guess I'm just still not even seeing what would be in it for your girl to fall so aggressively for this dude, lol. Especially if she's not attracted to him and has assured you she's still committed to your relationship and he's married. She literally just started the job too.
I totally get insecurities solidifying after recent rockiness in your relationship, but then you also explained that she's been feeling cooped up and depressed and lost a family member recently... Aren't THOSE issues probably more related to your recent relationship rockiness than this trifling dude at her job?? Like he's a fly but the other stuff is mold, know what I mean?
And I mean, you (understandably) went hardcore threat-detection turf-protection mode, but perhaps what could help your relationship most during this time is actually some intentional and sustained nurturing? I think Mori spoke to this elsewhere in the post.
Not to reference my own work sis experiences again but... with my work bro friendships, in almost all cases the work bro was the one who was partnered. Whereas in half the cases I was partnered and the other half I was single. I NEVER EVER had a problem with a work bro's SO when I was the single work sis, talk less of when partnered. And not even my craziest ex was ever jealous of any work bro.
BUT. I'm also not the shit where I eat type. So perhaps that's why I so strongly reject most posters in here projecting (what appear to be typically) male motives onto your girl. I guess I could just read what you described so many other ways.
I dunno. Glad you two came to an understanding I guess. But if she swears she's not the shit where she eats type either, I'm inclined to give her benefit of the doubt based on what you've shared here. I still think your girl's not really being given a fair shake in this post but... *shrug*
13338677, would she even admit to being attracted if she was?|
Posted by Bob Darker, Mon Jun-17-19 03:11 PM
What she said could be true...could also be BS.
Homie need to meet old boy, make hard eye contact and squeeze the fuck out of his hand on the first handshake and purposely mispronounce his name the entire time dude is around them.
13338681, That's hanging in the balance for any relationship though|
Posted by kfine, Mon Jun-17-19 03:26 PM
>What she said could be true...could also be BS.
Good luck getting a romantic relationship to work/last without even the tiniest bit of trust and communication.
Tbh, if she's not the shit where one eats type.. then there'd be no risk of bs EVEN IF she found him attractive.
This whole issue has more to do with character and discipline than anything else, imho.
13338678, Hey kfine it's me again. This is so us|
Posted by Mafamaticks, Mon Jun-17-19 03:14 PM
>I guess I'm just still not even seeing what would be in it for
>your girl to fall so aggressively for this dude, lol.
Trouble at home + rebound relationship shit. And I have a theory about rebound relationships. Like subconsciously your body wants to jump to the next one and not miss a beat, which is why people that get out of LTRs be all clingy.
And don't get it twisted. She's definitely attracted to him. Maybe not physically, but you don't exchange long ass text threads with somebody you not attracted to.
In your case, since you go so hard about this professionalism shit, you probably made your boundaries clear, whereas my assumption is OPs girl was either intentionally or unintentionally vague with it.
13338690, LOL but you have absolutely no basis on which to confirm her attraction |
Posted by kfine, Mon Jun-17-19 04:03 PM
>And don't get it twisted. She's definitely attracted to him.
I really don't get that vibe. But who knows I guess, since we don't know the people involved in real life
>you don't exchange long ass text
>threads with somebody you not attracted to.
I have and do on a regular basis lol
Do yall not have platonic friends?? There's all sorts of non-sexual stuff to text about. Work, work gossip (especially working somewhere where the chats/emails are monitored and stored), the day's cafeteria special, politics, sports, concerts, jokes, memes, etc.
Yall must be mad boring if the only substance you can muster in your text conversations with women is sexual innuendo
>In your case, since you go so hard about this professionalism
>shit, you probably made your boundaries clear, whereas my
>assumption is OPs girl was either intentionally or
>unintentionally vague with it.
Now see, we can agree that his girl appears to have been vague in her signals/boundary-setting. BUT I think we disagree on the possible reasons why.
To me she just sounds like she's trying to fit in at the job and she's had a lot going on outside of work and her relationship.
I definitely DON'T think the vagueness is a sign of her deep-rooted emotional and secret attraction to her married coworker she only met a few weeks ago.
13338708, I got platonic friends|
Posted by Mafamaticks, Mon Jun-17-19 05:36 PM
And I got a few group chats from various spots I used to work at.
I’m thinking long like they texting back and forth like all day after work hours. Like if it’s mad blue and grey exchanges within a one hour window.
Maybe that’s where I got it fucked up cause Memes and work jokes don’t last that long.
13338689, Well YOU didn’t hear about it when single|
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Jun-17-19 04:03 PM
but those dudes did.
The real issue tho is if someone needs attention due arguing at home or feeling ignored in their relationship.
Sometimes folks make up reasons to justify their actions.
13338706, I dunno man...I hear you.. but at this point I'm starting to think workplace|
Posted by kfine, Mon Jun-17-19 04:30 PM
culture or industry must play a massive role...
Like I'm honestly racking my brain, trying to relate to what you guys are describing.
When I zoom out a bit on the work sis-work bro friendships themselves, it was most often as part of a larger clique/group of friends. So one could argue they were more like work bro-work sis-"networks" lol. But still. NEVER any shady shit.
Spouses/partners are even part of the club. One couple always hosts the superbowl party, one couple hosts pre-drinks before the christmas party, etc.
My work bro's girl once texted "ME" at an odd time to help her surprise her man with a birthday lunch + cake party she wanted to host in our building. Like I'm booking conference rooms for her and shit, lol
Or there was the time I "left" my job (and my ex), and my ex started hanging out with my (former) work bro. That was awkward lol
I get what you're trying to say about seeking refuge from relationship issues. I've gone through relationship issues while working somewhere, and sometimes talked to a work bro as friends about what was going on. But not because I was attracted or escaping, more to get a male perspective from somebody that knew me on a day-to-day basis. Or sometimes, the work bro and his girl/wife would ask me what's going on, if I became close friends with them both and they heard I broke up with so-and-so.
How do you think these guys earn the title the work bro??!! One even ratted on my cheating ex to me (saw him out with another woman). That's why I even designated him a legit bro lol
*shrug* I've just never worked anywhere or with people where the vibe isn't super cool. Even the nightclub I worked at wasn't a complete orgy among staff.
I know nothing of this inevitable emotional or sexual work relationship yall are talking about
edit: I should note these were friendships/cliques that built up after YEARS of working together.
13338755, I don’t think this has anything to do with workplace culture|
Posted by legsdiamond, Tue Jun-18-19 07:13 AM
You just haven’t seen it or it was hidden from you.
I wouldn’t want to go to a nightclub where the coworkers ain’t having orgy drama. That place sounds boring. lol.
13338851, Yall are really trying to push this "it's everywhere you just dont know"|
Posted by kfine, Tue Jun-18-19 01:04 PM
Why is it so hard to consider that some places and some people are just trifling??? And that neither are this overwhelming majority?? Maybe I've hurt some feelings or something, lol. Like folks need to feel like this shit is widespread to feel better about their own dirt I dunno.
I mean of course I know it can go down anywhere.. there's examples ranging from Presidents to CEOs to call centers to restaurants to teachers to lawyers to janitors etc.
I guess the reason I think workplace or industry culture could play a role is because I led a double life for a long time splitting corporate during week and nightclub/promo modeling on weekends.
There was infinitely more bs doing the club + promo work obv. And I would have expected more examples to show up there - even though I/a lot of my female coworkers weren't cheating with anyone we met there.
But literally only a few women out of probably like 50+ ppl I worked with/for over the course of a decade and they definitely had a pattern of behavior.
And that was the drunken environment. I promise you the corporates have been normal as all hell. I don't really see hookups being "hidden" well, especially in offices where the cliques were particularly tight.I think it'd be even easier to pick up on stuff in that case.
*shrug* I just think the numbers aren't there to assume EVERY friendly professional interaction (at least with a woman) could turn sexual. We can agree to disagree though :)
13339152, ^ ^ ^Typical non-accountability-having female.|
Posted by NoDrawls McGraw, Wed Jun-19-19 07:55 PM
>BUT. I'm also not the shit where I eat type. So perhaps that's
>why I so strongly reject most posters in here projecting (what
>appear to be typically) male motives onto your girl. I guess I
>could just read what you described so many other ways.
^As if women don't do their own respective dirt.
You can't be this naive.
13338569, He sounds trifling + your girl sounds like she was vulnerable/exploitable |
Posted by kfine, Mon Jun-17-19 11:42 AM
In the sense that she seems to have not been navigating that dynamic as smart (or alert??) as she could be. Just sort of underestimating the meaning/influence/effect of a jealous spouse, unintentionally entertaining shark moves from what appears to be a messy dude, etc.
Thanks for contextualizing with the recent death in her family and her general feelings of loneliness and depression. I think that, plus the way she's affirmed her love and commitment to you/your relationship, are key assurances here. Looking at her behaviour in the context of this (and also how you don't seem keen on ending your relationship), I think she's worth a benefit of the doubt here (although, perhaps just one lol).
The job honestly sounds healthy for her given what she's been feeling recently. It sounds like she's just wanted to fit in, make friends, feel a renewed sense of purpose, do well (which she must be, since you mentioned she passed her necessary certs), etc.. All healthy things for someone who's been feeling cooped up, depressed, and dealing with relationship rockiness and the recent loss of a loved one.
But the downside of that is... in trying to fit in and adjust to a new crowd and life she's kind of slipping a bit in the correct way to manage this particular coworker. If you don't mind me asking, is she fairly young and/or personality-wise kind of impulsive???
Anyway. As a few of us predicted, you communicating was very helpful here. If she was sort of just auto-piloting to fit in at work, your conversation was hopefully the wakeup call she needed to course-correct moving forward.
Tbh, I'm actually most concerned about her being able to sustain and enjoy her new job, lol. If she intends for this job and her friendships there to be sustainable, she's got to see the risk in NOT establishing proper boundaries with this or any dude, ESPECIALLY in the context of a jealous spouse and it bothering you as well. Regularly hanging out with dude(s) one-on-one should not even be an option, especially after hours. She needs to keep it to groups and keep it professional.
But contrary to what you guys agreed on, I'd even go one step further in that if there's going to be an opportunity for you to meet him, maybe you should see if you can push for dude to bring his wife as well. Like meet them as a couple. There's still something that smells a little off to me about the partners (meaning you and his wife) only meeting the coworkers one-on-one. There's still opportunities for a little smoke-and-mirror bullshit there if one partner knows/sees more than the other. And not only is there a lot more vibes to be read from observing the dynamics within and between couples, but it provides your girl more cover if dude truly is as trifling as he sounds. Meaning, your girl is clearly already on the wife's radar too so the more often she only ever sees your girl as part of a stable, ongoing, couple and NOT checking for her man the more it should (hopefully!) diffuse weird energy from their end, and allow your girl to continue enjoying her work and work friendships in peace.
I also wonder whether there's sufficient benefit to having some deep revelatory talk with his wife about the hookah thing... If your girl just tightens up her shit at work moving forward, puts some more boundaries up when it comes to dude, and you guys as a couple only interact with dude and his wife as a couple, I think that should render things stable and sustainable moving forward.
Just my 2 cents though *shrug*
13338599, the picnic was perfect for that and right on her being vulnerable|
Posted by j., Mon Jun-17-19 12:56 PM
low down shark dudes have that radar for sniffing out vulnerable/low self esteem/depressed women and move accordingly
Especially if he's locked down at home, trying to feel free at work and shit
The picnic was a family thing and I couldn't make it so the HH is the next best thing
My thing is dude needs to see that she's not alone, that I'm not the abstract nebulous boyfriend who doesn't really matter cuz he's never seen me
Just shake his hand and look him in the eye "I'm here, and she's with me"
I like the bring the wife along idea
13338650, I hear you on everything you wrote.|
Posted by kfine, Mon Jun-17-19 02:28 PM
13338673, Dude know she not alone. He just don't give a fuck|
Posted by Mafamaticks, Mon Jun-17-19 03:00 PM
that's why he was ghost during the happy hour.
If he smart you ain't ever gonna meet him
13338691, or he was there.. lol. |
Posted by legsdiamond, Mon Jun-17-19 04:04 PM
women be shady as shit.
13338746, Dude prob rolled through on the low, peeped J and bounced....|
Posted by FLUIDJ, Tue Jun-18-19 05:53 AM
"Get ready....for your blessing....."
"Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"
13338572, I feel like we're sorely missing a woman's POV here|
Posted by Amritsar, Mon Jun-17-19 11:43 AM
not your woman's pov
in these comments.
13338578, I am a woman and I've been all up in this post lol. There's been a few|
Posted by kfine, Mon Jun-17-19 11:50 AM
of us I think
But you're right, more would be nice :)
13338581, Good for you for speaking up. That's what relationships are all about...|
Posted by Creole, Mon Jun-17-19 11:58 AM
COMMUNICATION! FEELINGS! TRUST/MISTRUST! COMMUNICATION! and FACTS!
And there's a ton of dudes in here acting like they know for damned sure what their lady is doing when they ain't around or when she's right in their face. Silly mortals! LOL
You spoke up about your feelings of mistrust which is a valid feeling from time to time. Everyone goes through that for various reasons. You pointed out what you thought and felt. She responded and ultimately apologized and offered to take corrective measures because you're more important.
Either you believe that or you don't. Respond accordingly. Either you gon love her or leave her alone. Go forward and show her why you're the choice for her every day of the week.
Best of wishes to you regardless of what you choose in the end.
13338651, Word to all of that.|
Posted by squeeg, Mon Jun-17-19 02:29 PM
13338661, i echo this. Bravo for speaking up and out. |
Posted by Damali, Mon Jun-17-19 02:44 PM
you absolutely made the right decision and would have saved yourself sleepless nights if you'd done it sooner lol
13338811, You need another conversation|
Posted by Vector, Tue Jun-18-19 10:39 AM
One that will clear any misunderstandings and layout your future together.
Your last convo put a band-aid over the problem but it seems like there is so much stuff that needs to be aired out and discussed before you can both move on to a healthy relationship.
13338747, Real talk; you got trust issues fam. And they're gonna eat you up|
Posted by FLUIDJ, Tue Jun-18-19 06:05 AM
and THAT'S what's gonna end your relationship...if you don't get it in check. The only thing you can control is YOU.
All this talk about meeting dude and shaking his hand and having chats with your partner about her actions and what she should be doing are nothing more than wasted energy. You gotta put that energy into figuring out what it is about YOU that's making YOU insecure...and it's not her or her actions. You gotta have a chat with yourself about what YOU can do to improve your confidence and worth in y'alls relationship.
"Get ready....for your blessing....."
"Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"
Posted by legsdiamond, Tue Jun-18-19 07:15 AM
and if he has legit reasons for not trusting her after an argument it’s also an issue.
Only time I’ve ever been insecure like this was with my ex. My suspicions were correct too.
Wonder if she was dating someone else when they met?
13338763, That's the thing...insecurity is only a problem for the person that's insecure.|
Posted by FLUIDJ, Tue Jun-18-19 07:39 AM
>and if he has legit reasons for not trusting her after an
>argument it’s also an issue.
Only two options:
A)Trust her, fall back, and enjoy life with her until a real life confirm-able undeniable infraction occurs.
B)Don't trust her. Keep pressing her, being miserable, always worried, always scared, always on edge, always trying to hard dap every dude that's in her vicinity, always wondering if somebody else is getting her attention more, etc...aka...just wasting her time and his time defeating the purpose of being in a relationship in the first place.
>Only time I’ve ever been insecure like this was with my ex.
>My suspicions were correct too.
Pssht...I got mines until I couldn't get it no more. Not saying I didn't want to put hands on dude, or that I didn't loose sleep...but I def. kept the wheels turning on my own life. Granted this was college days because I BEEN old and washed...but still.
>Wonder if she was dating someone else when they met?
At the end of the day, do it matter though?
"Get ready....for your blessing....."
"Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"
13338786, Not sure how much college counts|
Posted by legsdiamond, Tue Jun-18-19 09:27 AM
So much going on it’s real hard to not live life while it’s all going down.
13338760, Not for nothing I followed similar advice and y'all know my story|
Posted by Mafamaticks, Tue Jun-18-19 07:28 AM
you gotta say something. at the very least it draws a line in the sand.
But meeting dude at the happy hour? Fuck that shit.
If I see you I'm cussing you the fuck out and in front of all your bitch ass co-workers with the intention of having to put my hands on you. You not gonna play dumb with me and if you is that dumb then bet gonna keep it professional after that.
13338764, if my intuition is blinking red and the vibe is off I'm speaking on it|
Posted by j., Tue Jun-18-19 08:16 AM
I did, and that was that
I'm moving on. I'm going with option A
She's mentioned other male co-worker's names before in conversation
I didn't get any spidey sense tingling whatsoever
With this particular one, I did
I'm not a caveman. Of course she's gonna talk to dudes at work
I talk to my female co-workers all day
I just happen to draw the line at "let's go out just the two of us"
I literally lost sleep over the energy and vibe I was getting and that's not how I want to live
so I spoke up, we talked it out, and I'm KIM
She said I would have an opportunity to meet dude
I said ok
13338803, Good stuff. What I said was predicated on you speaking your peace & |
Posted by FLUIDJ, Tue Jun-18-19 10:25 AM
how you move from then one.
I was pressed for time and kept it short....
>I did, and that was that
>I'm moving on. I'm going with option A
Good for you. There's a lot of loving to be enjoyed between now and the unknown.
>She's mentioned other male co-worker's names before in
>I didn't get any spidey sense tingling whatsoever
>With this particular one, I did
>I'm not a caveman. Of course she's gonna talk to dudes at
>I talk to my female co-workers all day
>I just happen to draw the line at "let's go out just the two
>I literally lost sleep over the energy and vibe I was getting
>and that's not how I want to live
>so I spoke up, we talked it out, and I'm KIM
>She said I would have an opportunity to meet dude
>I said ok
^^^this part. Skip that. Meeting dude is nothing but an unnecessary ego stroke at this point. Stroke your partner instead....
"Get ready....for your blessing....."
"Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"
13338766, This perspective is harmful, man. It dismisss his feelings, his...|
Posted by flipnile, Tue Jun-18-19 08:27 AM
...instincts, what his "gut" is telling him, small logical things that don't make sense, etc.
In a sense, by one ignoring their feelings what they are doing is not being honest with themselves, which WILL eat a person up from the inside.
Emotions are a guide, not the truth. If he feels like something is off the it probably is, and that's what he's trying to figure out now.
13338787, I don’t think anyone is wrong in this thread|
Posted by legsdiamond, Tue Jun-18-19 09:31 AM
All options are open for discussion when you get that feeling.
13338804, Peep my post 133... wasn't dismissing his feelings...|
Posted by FLUIDJ, Tue Jun-18-19 10:31 AM
>...instincts, what his "gut" is telling him, small logical
>things that don't make sense, etc.
>In a sense, by one ignoring their feelings what they are doing
>is not being honest with themselves, which WILL eat a person
>up from the inside.
It's the everything after...all the theatrics BEYOND expressing how he's feeling to his partner and moving on. All the talk about meeting the coworker, and asking her to set boundaries and asking her to think about her behavior and actions etc... that's all wasted energy and time on his part. It doesn't feed the relationship. It doesn't do anything beyond adding fuels to the flames of insecurity.
>Emotions are a guide, not the truth. If he feels like
>something is off the it probably is, and that's what he's
>trying to figure out now.
This where the trust comes into play. He can (A)trust her and keep building with her. Or he can (B)refuse to trust her and tear himself apart. To do (A) is gonna require he work on himself. To do (B) is gonna require him putting energy into trying to control other people...wouldn't you say that's a waste of energy?
"Get ready....for your blessing....."
"Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"
13338875, Personally, I prefer both A & a version of B at the same time|
Posted by flipnile, Tue Jun-18-19 02:33 PM
A. Work on yourself
B. Get away from the negative energy (unfortunately, the S.O.)
I agree, trying to control other people is a futile effort, which is why I'm the "leave her" guy. I've been in the same situation a few times, and in the end I realized that I felt better alone to work on myself rather than in a relationship that put a dark cloud over my head *that I wasn't in control of*
The feeling of not trusting your S.O. truly sucks, and is something that I would not put up with for any length of time (anymore). One of the biggest problems is the self-doubt that it causes because you feel one way, think another, while other people are telling you that you are crazy. Erodes self-confidence and trust.
But yeah, trying to control other people is a futile effort. Directing anger at the other guy is a waste of energy as well.
13338888, One of the other problems is having people in your corner who would...|
Posted by Creole, Tue Jun-18-19 03:04 PM
>The feeling of not trusting your S.O. truly sucks, and is
>something that I would not put up with for any length of time
>(anymore). One of the biggest problems is the self-doubt that
>it causes because you feel one way, think another, while other
>people are telling you that you are crazy. Erodes
>self-confidence and trust.
tell you that you're crazy for wanting to be with someone who has cheated on you. Other peoples' opinions are seemingly what's helping to erode self-confidence and the type of trust needed to be in a relationship.
Cuz believe me... They done cheated and done been cheated on too. Physical or emotional. And keep in mind that emotional affair does not necessarily have to be with someone of the opposite sex. Obviously, it's just like the physical in that anybody can get it.
You'll find, if you haven't already, people that tell you to not include everyone in your personal affairs. Anyone that would tell you that you're crazy, for loving someone and being vulnerable, is delusional and has their own issues to deal with. You don;t need 'em in your circle and definitely not close enough to know your business. Everyone has been hurt and has to deal with managing those feelings. being told that you're crazy, by someone that you trust, is equally as detrimental. All that matters is what you, the other adult, and the both of you choose to do in the end.
PHUCK OTHA PEOPLE!
13338784, he had valid reasons to bring this up to her.|
Posted by tariqhu, Tue Jun-18-19 09:21 AM
this isn't insecurity. he saw/felt something and spoke on it. he needs to be able to express that to her as he did.
from this post, he seems like he handled it in a reasonable manner. now its really a wait and see game to see if she holds true to her side.
13338792, Check the S/O; not the person they are SUPPOSEDLY cheating with...|
Posted by Creole, Tue Jun-18-19 09:56 AM
>All this talk about meeting dude and shaking his hand and having chats with your partner about her actions and what she should be doing are nothing more than wasted energy.
Anything else is doing way too much.
13338806, I hate when dudes want to fight because their girl cheated|
Posted by legsdiamond, Tue Jun-18-19 10:36 AM
You are mad at the wrong person.
13338815, lol it be the principle though|
Posted by Mafamaticks, Tue Jun-18-19 11:11 AM
whatever the fuck principle mean at that moment
13338831, And then they double down & tell the lady who she can or can't speak to...|
Posted by Creole, Tue Jun-18-19 11:37 AM
If you gotta do all of that, the relationship ain't for you at that moment.
Person A should do what they believe is best for their relationship with Person B if Person B is important enough to them.
Person B should not attempt to control Person A since that may bring about resentment and, as said above, is a waste of energy.
You can't go around checkin people because they do you dirty,. You voice your feelings and/or the facts. Then if you care enough, you observe to see if changes are made for the best interest of the relationship. If you don't care enough, you kick rocks and deal with the pain of being hurt by someone you allowed to intimately build with you.
Saying, "It's hurtful to me for you to talk to or plan to spend time with guys whom I don't know" is COMPLETELY different from saying, "You better not talk to that nukka again or..."
13339136, The End|
Posted by Mori, Wed Jun-19-19 06:10 PM
Thank you grown man for bringing emotional intelligence into this whole discussion.
13338920, this thread makes me miss Maury, Sally Jesse, Jenny Jones, Jerry...|
Posted by GOMEZ, Tue Jun-18-19 03:39 PM
they woulda had J. and his girl on the couch working through their issues, then *SURPRISE* Let's meet her work boyfriend! and it woulda been Rude Jude or something.
Late 90's/Early aughts... being hungover/stoned and watching them shit shows is a memory i weirdly cherish.
Posted by Trinity444, Tue Jun-18-19 09:07 PM
can’t recall. did you get married?
Posted by j., Wed Jun-19-19 08:43 AM
I'm divorced, this is a totally new relationship
Posted by Trinity444, Wed Jun-19-19 05:55 PM
If it we’re me...
I wouldn’t say anything to her...I would to him! his response will determine if I stay in the relationship. Something like this, (situation) is a serious matter to me.
13339135, Do you put on Vaseline before you meet the other woman? |
Posted by legsdiamond, Wed Jun-19-19 06:01 PM
Why are you approaching her when it’s your man who is in a relationship with you?
13339138, you read it wrong...|
Posted by Trinity444, Wed Jun-19-19 06:17 PM
I’m speaking as if I was in the situation :-)
13339182, it reads like you're|
Posted by tariqhu, Thu Jun-20-19 09:10 AM
approaching the outside person rather than addressing the SO.
13339189, Ok. I get it now. |
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Jun-20-19 09:18 AM
You type funny.