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Forum nameGeneral Discussion
Topic subjectShould I tell my situationship about my recent miscarriage?
Topic URLhttp://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=4&topic_id=13312291
13312291, Should I tell my situationship about my recent miscarriage?
Posted by Mori, Wed Feb-06-19 09:30 PM
Started seeing a guy over the last six months. No labels, definitions or obligations as we were figuring out this romantic situation. He and I both enjoy each other. I was sexually exclusive with him for 6-7 months.

Then I hooked up with an old flame, unprotected, and got pregnant. I was pretty sure I was going to terminate the pregnancy, but ended up having a miscarriage.

I went MIA for a month and told my situationship that we should take a break. He was really taken a back. But I was an emotional and physical mess.

He is still expressing interest. So one part of me wants to tell him, out of respect that he has trust issues with women. A part of me feels like this is so personal and it doesn't involve him.

My lesson learned: No more unprotected sex.
13312299, I think he would appreciate hearing that you were really hurt by something
Posted by obsidianchrysalis, Wed Feb-06-19 10:43 PM
You also would be right to be vague at first or kind of hint that something happened while you were apart that deeply affected you.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about but it's natural that you feel so. (I'm not a woman and only empathize)

It shows that you care for him and his heart that you are considering telling him, but move at your own pace.

13312301, Thanks I tried to put myself in his shoes
Posted by Mori, Wed Feb-06-19 10:52 PM
He could either think:

A) Why are you telling me you were pregnant by some other man?


B) You trust me enough to be completely transparent.

Either way, I am the one over sharing, considering we are not in an agreement to be exclusive.

I guess I will wait until we decide if this will even be a thing. If not, no point in putting myself through the emotional turmoil.
13312310, you were both single even if it was exclusive
Posted by atruhead, Thu Feb-07-19 12:30 AM
if you would be devastated to find out he got someone else pregnant, he doesn't need to know what you did with anyone else

also if you cant embrace the thought of him looking at you differently, don't say anything
13312316, now is the time to decide what y’all doing...
Posted by Trinity444, Thu Feb-07-19 03:41 AM
like. if he’s the one. If he’s not, I wouldn’t bring up that part of what happened but, I would tell him that I sleep with other people. In your kind of relationships there should always be checkpoints.

you good?
is what we’re doing still good?

13312329, Good point. I played the good time girl role
Posted by Mori, Thu Feb-07-19 08:44 AM
And I really didn't have a long term vision for our relationship. So the pregnancy /miscarriage was a big blow to my carefree situation.

I don't expect my partners to fully disclose every detail beyond the "Let's get tested" convo. But I realized, I don't know what he would want to know of someone he is having sex with beyond STDs.

Also I felt like I was the one dealing with the emotional impact of multiple partners and just decided to put all of the men in my life on pause or exit.

I have no desire to have sex or even be intimate with anyone since this all went down.

13312333, Wait. You aren’t having sex with him right now due to this?
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Feb-07-19 09:24 AM
Hell to the naw.

Don’t say shit.

13312358, Sex is not even a medical possibility
Posted by Mori, Thu Feb-07-19 10:28 AM
I am so weak and battered from the pregnancy and miscarriage. So sex isn't even on the table for months. I also think that is what he noticed.

But yeah, the more I think about, the less inclined I am to share.
13312373, Gotcha. Wasn’t sure how long ago it happened
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Feb-07-19 10:53 AM
and I have no clue how long it takes medically so please know I wasn’t trying to be insensitive..

13312331, I'd lean towards no unless you actually WANT something more
Posted by Marauder21, Thu Feb-07-19 09:20 AM
13312332, This could go really wrong
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Feb-07-19 09:22 AM
If i was the guy I damn sure wouldn’t want to know unless we were putting “EVERYTHING” on the table and planned on making a run at a LTR.

It’s none of his business what you did with someone else and I don’t think it you should make it his business unless you want him to do the same.

If he told you he had a seed on the side would you be cool with it?

The real issue is it was the ex. As soon as I hear ex I’m thinking this dude can slide thru raw dog at any time.
13312337, This part
Posted by Paps_Smear, Thu Feb-07-19 09:36 AM
>The real issue is it was the ex. As soon as I hear ex I’m
>thinking this dude can slide thru raw dog at any time.

Even if he forgives and wants to continue, cot damn this would be in the back of my mind all the time. Unprotected sex other partners was a big concern of mine and then the pregnancy thing on top of that would be so rough. But I'm speaking for myself.

I'm not one for hiding shit, but I almost feel like if she really wants a long term relationship or possibly more with this dude maybe its better to just leave it alone. Or you could just throw it all out on the table and hope he respects the honesty. Me, I probably wouldn't want to know to avoid it popping up in my head at times.
13312361, Didn't think about that part
Posted by Mori, Thu Feb-07-19 10:30 AM
I guess that is a correct assumption. The old flame and I never used condoms and we always left the door open since we are both not in solid relationships.

But after this ordeal, the old flame and I agreed to end our seasonal hookups.
13312352, can't really make a judgement because I don't know how he viewed ya'll
Posted by tomjohn29, Thu Feb-07-19 10:13 AM
take care of yourself before making any decisions

good luck though
13312362, He viewed us as a little more than a hook up
Posted by Mori, Thu Feb-07-19 10:34 AM
It wasn't purely booty call sex, but it wasn't let's declare our commitment. He did mention once that if we choose to hook up with other people, we don't have to share the details but asked the I use a condom.

This whole scenario is a strong argument for monogamy or celibacy. I used to enjoy multiple partners. Now it is just a headache.
13312372, You broke the rule of your agreement
Posted by legsdiamond, Thu Feb-07-19 10:52 AM
I would be furious if I really was into you.

If it was never going to be more than a booty call than it may be a shrug to him

Who knows... but he damn sure wouldn’t know if it were up to me.
13312384, Yes I did break the agreement
Posted by Mori, Thu Feb-07-19 11:24 AM
That alone is why I think I considered sharing it with him, or as someone else mentioned, just ending it while it is still early.

The sad part is after all the time apart, he shared that he isn't really into casual encounters. I wish we discussed this early in the relationship. One of the big reasons, I even hooked up with the ex, was because I thought the other guy wasn't going to amount to anything anyway.
13312381, you shouldn't carry any load on this...
Posted by eclipsedInI, Thu Feb-07-19 11:20 AM
you're already dealing with a miscarriage

that's why i say you should protect your heart on this one

men can never understand what a woman goes through during a miscarriage

things happen

mistakes are made

forgive yourself, and look on how you want to move forward

you've already discussed an agreement with the ex

it's hard to see in the midst, and anger/pettiness/small-mindedness can get in the way of what's really important

all involved will move on & be okay one day

you just have to decide how you want to move through this


13312402, Needed this compassionate response
Posted by Mori, Thu Feb-07-19 11:44 AM
I was feeling guilty about this. Almost like I cheated. Truthfully, until he reached out and shared that he was interested, I'd basically chalked up my experience to the friends with benefits code.

The reality is that as I get older, casual hookups seem to have far greater consequences, not just STD's and pregnancy. But emotional and energetic consequences. We both didn't want to close off our options, yet had feelings for each other beyond sex.

I am at a point of when I do start dating again, I want one person who I can be open and honest with and not feel as if I need to have outside peen to balance out the uncertainty.

So yeah I have a lot of healing to do.
13312426, it’s such an honest post...
Posted by Trinity444, Thu Feb-07-19 12:55 PM
... :-)
13312363, if I were the guy, i would want to know
Posted by GROOVEPHI, Thu Feb-07-19 10:36 AM
if he is still expressing interest, i think its only fair to be completely honest with him and give him the opportunity to decide whether or not he can handle your truth and still pursue something.

what would happen if things become serious between the two of you and you told him months, or years down the line? If he already has trust issues with women, that could just make it worse.

he may or may not be able to deal with what you tell him, but at least give him that choice to make the decision.

Or.. you could just break it off with him completely..

just my advice. best of luck!
13312377, don't tell him, unless...
Posted by eclipsedInI, Thu Feb-07-19 11:13 AM
you want to involve him in your process and or healing.

are you still interested in him?

how'd you find out about his "trust" issues?

it seems like a set up for trouble to enter into a sexual relationship with no boundaries and parameters if someone is known to have trust issues

even don't ask and don't tell has to have clear lines

if you guys are don't ask don't tell, keep it that way.

seek out support from others

that is unless you want to think of him as possibly being much more than what he was when you reconnect.

It may seem difficult to not discuss at first but it will get easier depending on if you guys have issues or not because of the separation.
13312423, Yes. Tell him. If he runs, he runs. It's his decision.
Posted by flipnile, Thu Feb-07-19 12:48 PM
I don't like finding out things later that change my perspective on past events. If you don't tell him and things get serious then that omission might come back to haunt the relationship.

Honesty is almost never the wrong answer.
13312437, Tell nothing.
Posted by isaaaa, Thu Feb-07-19 01:32 PM

Anti-gentrification, cheap alcohol & trying to look pretty in our twilight posting years (c) Big Reg
13312547, succinct. on point.
Posted by PG, Thu Feb-07-19 11:27 PM
*logs off*
13312544, no unless he thinks he is shooting blanks, but still no...
Posted by sosumi, Thu Feb-07-19 10:48 PM
he should just see a doctor if he has those concerns
13312546, clipse up here demonstrating why i love that guy
Posted by PG, Thu Feb-07-19 11:25 PM
disclaimer I may have had a beer or two but no shit.
13312551, I will say this
Posted by PG, Fri Feb-08-19 01:00 AM
as I've cosigned on some points that may not be considering where you might be at personally in terms of your "situationship"(brilliant term..I'm old but this is a thing/term? coin it if it's not).. if you want his love and support and to possibly move beyond situationship share... if you want to maintain then best not to. but be honest with yourself. maybe you just need to process more 1st. I honestly can't imagine what you've been through but having found my end game at great risk and expense it was and is worth walking through the fire imo.
13312755, How do u know it was by the 1-off ex and not mr regular
Posted by Riot, Sat Feb-09-19 03:05 AM
this is kinda out there, like the homie (Crisco?) That used to post about juggling 5 Melissa McCarthy's

"Good luck with everything" doesn't sound like the appropriate response here but hopefully everything works out
13312762, Always wore protection with situationship
Posted by Mori, Sat Feb-09-19 10:36 AM
Plus the timing made it impossible. It had been some time since situation and I had sex. Old flame was really a quick hit. Cant believe I got pregnant so fast in such a short period of time. Feel like a teenager.

Yeah I have decided not to tell. We both should have been more forthcoming about our feelings. We are too grown to hide behind the friends with benefits cloak. It hurt me physically and will only disappoint him. Better for us to move on.