I've spoken briefly about my condition here before and tomorrow I take the giant leap that I'm praying provides me with the relief I've been desperately seeking for the past 2 years.

A little background on myself for those who don't know what OCD really looks like (I've taken some of this from previous posts I've made here in the interest of time):

I suffer from contamination OCD. Basically, my mind tricks me into thinking I'm in immediate, grave danger if I touch something dirty or come into contact with something dirty.

I'm almost at the point where I cannot function as a normal person any more. My performance and attendance at work has begun to suffer (I'm a director at Oracle and I damn near got my entire team of 12 professionals laid off because I failed to show up to our annual talent/budget review). My relationships and social life are almost non-existent.

The real wake-up call came about 4 months ago when I opened my car door and realized afterwards that there was bird shit on it. The feeling of pure fire that coursed through my veins for the next 4 hours made me contemplate cutting my hand off to relieve myself of the torture.

I spend 7-10 hours each day performing cleaning/rituals.

I go through a 3-pack of Dove bodywash from Costco each week (I'm a guy, but it's the only bodywash that doesn't rip my skin off with how long/hard I scrub my body).

I spend close to $1,000 a month on kleenex/bodywash/lotions/sanitizers and other various cleaning supplies.

I wash my hands for 10-15 minutes after using the bathroom. I can dry my hands ONLY with Kleenex hand towels. My hands look like burnt alligator skin. Not to mention the bottle of Purell I use each day. If I go through a day without my skin bleeding, it's a miracle. BTW I am disgusted by my own blood.

I sometimes go through periods of severe dehydration (and a couple UTI's) because mentally, it's better than drinking water and having to enter a public restroom.

If I don't take my morning deuce (and subsequent 1-hour Clorox wipe down then 1-hour shower) I call in sick to work. I am probably the most regular person in California, just out of sheer necessity. I wake up at 4am to leave the house at 7am.

No shaking hands, no hugging. I've offended many people, including the CEO of my company (Larry Ellison), because of this.

I am extremely attracted to women, but no way I could mentally handle sexual interaction of any kind. I haven't been with a woman in nearly two years. I could walk into a room full of naked Victoria's Secret models and I wouldn't be able to even touch one.

I almost missed my brother's wedding because my uncle used my bathroom and didn't wash his hands (he then touched many things in my home, which lead to a mental breakdown and tons of rituals).

I can't keep any appointments with friends or family. I could have reservations to meet friends and miss it because I got "dirty" and I ended up washing my hands for 30 minutes then taking a 2-hour shower.

There are only 3 restaurants in the Bay Area I am okay eating at.

There's much more.

I know I have a disease. I know the things I do make no sense. I was a completely normal adult until I turned 26, 2 years ago.

Weed helps a little, but I know I need intensive ERP therapy. This is the life-saving solution I hope changes my life.

Thanks to OCD being classified as a disability, I'm able to take leave from work to enter the program. Depending on how it goes, it will be a 6-8 week absence.

I'm really nervous, and I'm all packed up and ready to go. I'll answer any questions you guys have regarding my OCD in order to keep mind busy since I'm really anxious/nervous.

i really hope this works for you and this is awesome that you are facing this head on. props and good luck/well wishes!

best of luck to you, and i hope it leads to the relief you're looking for.
---------------------------------------
it's true what they say...people are strange, when you're strangers.

not compassionate....only polite.

I am not like you at all and i cannot pretend.

This is absolutely insane and I couldn't imagine such a life.

Positive energy to you and your recovery.

That just reads like a hellish two years and it was brave of you to seek help.

i was reading this like omg i hope you can hold on to your job


also i'm mad at your uncle
lol
(.. )


good luck and *hug* digital hugs should be okay...
~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.

Yes, fortunately it does qualify as a disability and I will keep my job.

Unfortunately, this specific type of ERP therapy is not covered by my health insurance (Kaiser). So I'll be paying out of pocket for this. If it works, it'll easily be the best 20k I've ever spent.

you said things were normal until you turned 26? Did it flip like a switch or start with small things?

It started slowly for the first 3-4 months, then started to accelerate exponentially.

It started with small things like longer hand washing and longer showers.

Then I would start getting uneasy feelings after doing seemingly normal things like picking something up off the ground. The uneasy feeling didn't go away until I ritualized (hand sanitizer or hand washing).

These things snowballed until I reached my current state.

I'm happy to share my experience and my eventual (God willing) success over this disease. At first I felt a lot of shame and would never talk about it, but recently I've realized that speaking about it actually helps.

and have victory over this disease. Stay up, man.

A bout of anxiety? A death in the family? A concussion? Car accident? Did you exhibit OCD tendencies at all before this came on?

How much of it at all do you link with just general anxiety?
Have you lost friends because if it?

So interesting to me cause in many ways in the opposite. I don't care or worry about germs much at all..probably less so than the average person.


Stay positive and believe in yourself. You got this.

What's been the most infuriating thing about this to me is that I've always been the complete opposite my entire life. I never cared about germs/contamination. I washed my hands when they were dirty and I showered when I needed a shower.

There really wasn't a trigger...I wish there was a point or life event I could point back to, but there really isn't. I got my MBA and began working in Silicon Valley and I lead a pretty normal/uneventful life. This thing just crept up on me.

do they understand it?

They thought I was full of shit and just weak-minded.

A couple Christmases ago my dad took out the garbage after dinner and when he came back into the house, I told him he needed to wash his hands. He laughed me off until I threatened to go home. I think that was the point they realized this is real.

While they still don't completely understand it, they have been supportive.

My very close homies have seen me at my worst and have supported me 100%. When this whole thing began, I felt very ashamed and tried to keep it a secret. But quickly I realized that if I didn't tell my close circle of friends why I was being so flaky/weird/anxious that I was going to lose them.

One positive that has come out of this has been me finding out that my closest friends are genuinely the best people I know. They have been so accommodating to my needs and so supportive throughout all of this. I plan on taking my 3-4 closest friends and my brothers on a Summer trip to Vegas the thank them for their support and basically me being a pain in the ass for the last few years.

I can see my parents acting the same as yours.

surely your hands are dry, so you use lotion?

purell? ugh

do you appreciate automatic sinks more than traditional ones?

are you white?

I use Dove sensitive skin (unscented). I went through a lot of trials with soap and found that it caused the least amount of damage.

My hands are severely dry and crack/bleed almost daily. I've found that lotions with the highest levels of Urea usually work best (Eucerin Intensive Repair is my current go to).

Last month I went through 55 bottles of Purell. I have 2 bottles on my at all time when I'm out of the house.

I'm an Arab.

I would think that a lotion containing more urea would mentally be a turn off. Do you ever think about that, and if so, how did you reconcile yourself to being accepting of a lotion with urea in it.

I don't know if this seems odd to anyone else but me, and we both know there is nothing unsafe about urea but because it is a waste byproduct, I wonder if that was ever an issue for you.

But I tried to justify it by telling myself that it was manufactured is some sterile factory somewhere.

do you fap? ive read of people curing their ocd with nofap

No fapping as I am repulsed by my own man parts.

And missing the Dubs in the playoffs seriously breaks my heart. However, I need to defeat this OCD before something drastic happens in my life that I can't fix.

I used to have season tickets, but I haven't bought them since 2012. Going to a sporting event is an absolute no no in my condition.

I had tix to the World Series this past October and I had to give them to my brother and his wife.

and i always thought to myself how truely debilitating something like this could be when not being used for comedic purposes in a tv show

Ironically, it's one of my favorite shows too. But I haven't had the stomach to watch it ever since the onset of my condition.

Much of what is portrayed on the show is accurate too. Some is bullshit of course, but it's TV.

Go for it. Go kill that monster. We need you, happy and healthy. I'm really happy that you're taking this initiative. I hope everything works out perfectly for you.

I have to ask: what restaurants?

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

I knew someone from the Bay was going to ask about the restaurants :)

Oren's in Palo Alto
Shalizar in San Mateo
Tony's Pizza in North Beach
Kokkari if I'm feeling fancy

The funny thing with the above restaurants is that there is nothing specific that keeps me coming back. It's just that nothing has happened at these places that has triggered an episode, so to my scumbag OCD brain they're "safe"

I would have expected Greens to be on the list. It looks and feels really clean to me, but my impressions are based on different things than yours.

I raise my glass to you, sir.

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

i hope you get the help you need

i've watched so many documentaries and segments on talk shows regarding your condition and its still mind boggling. to actually live with it must be fucking hell.

i sometimes have irrational thoughts when it comes to touching and cleaning certain things
(example, it took me almost a year to cook in my kitchen in my previous apartment because of the roach situation. it wasn't even an infestation but every once in a blue a HUGE roach
would come sauntering through and i just couldn't handle it)
i'm definitely not OCD but with those thoughts i always imagine wow this must be how OCD
people feel ALL DAY EVERYDAY and WORSE

sorry i made this about me...but yea. i really hope the treatment works and you can lead a normal life again. bless

One of the hardest parts about this is that I know the things I do make no fuckin sense whatsoever.

I'll be 10 minutes into washing my hands and I'll look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that this is crazy and I need to stop. But the anxiety does not go away until I've completed the ritual.

Was there a specific event?
Is it possible you are dealing with high levels of anxiety which materialize in the form of your OCD?

Finally, I am happy to hear you are seeking and going for treatment. You are going to do fantastically well. I believe in you and I know you can do this.

I've always been infuriated by the lack of a single turning point or life event.

This thing really crept up on me and it was a slow, downward spiral that accelerated until I reached my current state.

thanks for sharing. Glad you are taking steps to get better.

I know that this shit is real. Hopefully some immersive therapy will help. Dove soap and bodywash is the shit though, don't let anyone hate on you for that :)

Anxiety disorders are hard to understand if you haven't experienced what anxiety feels like.

My parents gave me a hard time at first and they thought I was just being a brat.

**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson


"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're

I really hope the treatment is effective and you get your life back. You seem like a very bright, very honest person and you deserve to be free. Best of luck to you. Be brave, you can beat this.

Are they gonna keep you from doing those things physically? What will happen when you start to big out? Is it all talk? Do they give you medication?


Have you heard positive stories from people who went in and came out?

It's exposure-response prevention.

They will expose me to something that will drive me crazy, then they'll prevent me from ritualizing.

Treatment is going to be a tough road, but your courage in facing it is admirable

I hope it all goes well for you man

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

As a mental health professional, I wish you the best in your treatment. Remeber to stay positive and start each day being grateful for the opportunity to wake up at a place that will rid you of this debilitating condition.

See you when you get back ! :)

it really is interesting the way the human brain works. one of my best friends has severe anxiety and the things that trigger her are pretty specific. watching her go through it..

she deals with social anxiety but then fairly recently it transformed into a type of ocd.. pulling out hair.. she's feels like her follicles are going to get infected or something. she shaved her head (had waist length beautiful hair) and even her eyebrows and clips her eyelashes.. she dealt with mild to moderate anxiety for years then it got severe then over the last year it turned into the other stuff. she spends HOURS a day in the mirror.. like 4 or 5 sometimes.

she is brilliant. wise. talented. she's an artist... her paintings blow my mind. you'd NEVER know she deals with any of this because she functions normally (other than not going out when she's going through it too much) but she wears a hat all the time and is super beautiful so people just think she pulled off a dope sinead oconner haircut and is rocking it. they don't know that she felt she HAD to cut it off.

so far she hasn't sought new treatment for the newest issues.. she just lives with it. doesn't go out much but will have spurts here and there where she can be around people. she had dealt with some pretty radical depression about 5 years ago when the anxiety set in and actually did some EST for it. seemed to help a bit.. she's been on all different meds but she hates how they make her feel so she goes off for months and mentally deals with it and comes to all these revelations about her life.

its amazing and inspiring to walk this walk with her.

im so proud of you for talking openly about this and i think its a strong part of recovery. i have no doubt you'll get through this.

on another note.. would you consider using emu oil on your hands or would the thought of that make you uncomfortable? its a natural bacteriostatic (inhibits growth and reproduction of bacteria) and incredibly healing.. might be so so good for your hands.

some more info:

will not irritate even the most sensitive skin
does not clog pores, goes on light and absorbs immediately
hydrates and super-oxygenates to thicken skin and help hold moisture
plumps up your skin’s underlying layer reducing fine lines and wrinkles
relieves itching and inflammation
calms redness and lightens age spots
hastens healing and reduces scarring


even more detail:

What Skin Disorders respond to emu oil?

Emu Oil's ability to deliver moisture and macro-nutrients to the skins very deepest levels enhances the body's ability to respond to many different skin conditions. Dr Barry Sears, renowned researcher and author believes that part of Emu Oil's power lies in its high level and wide variety of Eicosanoids (hormone like compounds) and refers to some of the healing mechanisms he has witnessed as the "X" factor. On a basic level we know these hormones trigger our bodies to increase blood flow to an area where the Emu Oil is applied. We also know that some of these hormones encourage the individual cells to soften their outer shells to allow more oxygen in and more toxins out. These two activities alone can significantly improve overall skin health. However, Dr. Sears speculates that we are only scratching the surface on what other benefits there may be. Emu oil relieves the symptoms of Eczema, Psoriasis, Rosacea, Lupus, Shingles and many other pigment, pressure and fungal conditions.


again.. really wish the best for you. can't wait to hear how it was if you choose to share this with us.

awesome post!

...

Vee is I and I am She

...

http://twitter.com/#!/Phenomenality
http://instagram.com/therealphenomenality
http://phenomenality.tumblr.com/archive

I've become somewhat of a lotion/cream/oil connoisseur recently, just out of sheer necessity.

I've been willing to try anything to relieve the burn I feel each night. It's funny because when I get into my immaculately clean bed (seriously, you can manufacture microchips on my bed) it's the only place where I'm at peace.

But when I'm in bed is when my hands burn the most...almost like a sick reminder of what life outside the bed is like.

So thank you for this...God willing, I won't have a need for it for much longer.

https://www.google.com/shopping/product/14025323325937417542?q=montana+emu+oil&biw=1326&bih=677&bav=on.2,or.r_cp.&bvm=bv.90491159,d.cGU&tch=1&ech=1&psi=tQMoVaCyL4SpogSz0IDgDg.1428685750560.3&prds=paur:ClkAsKraX-WXq3YETPNGHhaQnEaCnBTXsGPoRt5C7kgIKgAuHBcDg8QlF-G99uu1z8WT5TN5HJdNlMOc2Vm-HJnzqQ0pugdAzpqzVOOglYqcvI01pSXWi3k9ARIZAFPVH70ZJWU3N1GblnvCHXUMtEtKGV4M7Q&ei=0wMoVe6WF4XToATP_oCIDw&ved=0CGYQpiswAA


...

Vee is I and I am She

...

http://twitter.com/#!/Phenomenality
http://instagram.com/therealphenomenality
http://phenomenality.tumblr.com/archive

Had no idea


does it really matter?

wonder what bin's doing?
http://i.imgur.com/phECCMp.jpg

I have ocd. I used to see someone for it....years ago.

I have mostly symmetry, some mild counting/finding patterns, and GERM issues. I used to have rituals to keep people safe. That's the thing that tipped my therapist off.

I've gotten a lot better over the years,but I still have rough times.

it's interesting that you mentioned wanting to cut your hand off. when I was a kid, if something gross got on my hand, i would just stop using it to eat or touch anything that would touch me. crazy looking back at it.i don't know how nobody noticed.

again, good luck. you can overcome this.

does mental illness run in the family?

longtime anxiety and depression sufferer

unraveling that ball of yarn (and thereby realizing my childhood was not very normal and my mom was bi-polar / schizo) was one of the biggest hurdles for me. that and mindfulness / meditation have helped me tremendously.

but most importantly. i hope the treatment helps significantly. the mind is a motherfucker, man. trust, i know.

Good luck man. I've got a very mild form and it's slightly disruptive. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through.

would be infinitely better in their lives.

i wish you luck in this!

my friend has had her son in therapy for his ocd and she posted a picture of him finally being okay with not all the spaghetti noodles not being the same size while dry.

sounds like a small trivial thing, but it would drive him insane if they didn't all fit the mold.

it's real out here.

This reminds me how I get annoyed by people who say they have OCD cuz something silly like they have to have all their towels folded the same way. It minimizes OCD and that's not what real OCD looks like.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

and that your mind can once again be at peace.

this sounds like a horrible thing to go through and it's operating at some kind of primal level where your rational thoughts and understanding can't override it. that's scary.

thank you for sharing this. hopefully it will be a blessing to others suffering from some kind of mental or emotional illnesses. and i also pray that it will be blessing to you, and that you derive, at the very least, some support and comfort from our community and that the knowledge that there are people out here who have heard your struggles, but still love you and wish the best for you will be a source of strength to you, no matter how small.

when we're fighting big things we need all the help we can get.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

It really does mean a lot. I'll be driving over there in a few hours.

Today being the first day, I will have a 1:1 with the head therapist then do some dinner and I'll get to watch the Giants game.

Last week they asked me what would make me feel most comfortable during my first day and my response was: Food and Giants baseball.

joking.

I wish you the best of luck getting the treatment you feel that you need.

You can do this!

i hope that one day you will not have this burden and you rock for getting treatment.

Not to make light of your situation, but I imagine SF is one of the WORST places to be if you have this type of OCD (i live here). This is one of the filthiest cities (at least around downtown) with all the feces and urine greeting your nostrils daily.

I hope we hear back from you after your treatment. Kudos to you for doing something about it.

I live in the Mission and try my best not to wander around much.

I've thought about moving to the Peninsula closer to my office in Redwood City, but I don't want to make such a dramatic life change just to accommodate the OCD. Plus, it's been my childhood dream to have a condo in the city.

So fuck it, I'm staying.

Judging from the messages here, lots of us do. I think it's really brave of you to put yourself out there like this. I know it can be difficult to take that step to seek help so you should be proud you're doing this. As I say, wish you all the very best and hope you'll post back again in time.

peace brother

Good for you! I hope you are able to get to where you want to be. As someone who was diagnosed with ADD a year ago, I know it can be difficult to deal and function. I'm still struggling but thank GOD for my understanding family and my therapist.

best of luck with the therapy, hope it helps!

.

It sounds like you are self-aware which I'm guessing bodes well for finding a way to become more functional. You also exhibit a pretty high level of articulation about the problem. Hopefully you have people that support you in your day-to-day life.

Good luck!

Free Friscos Finest!

Of mine wrote and directed.
This issue was foreign to me until I saw the film. I hope you find relief from your torment.

thanks to whoever upped this


and your on the way to managing the OCD.

.

I hope it finds you well.

Mental illness is a very real and debilitating condition and it can turn anyone who has a seemingly nice and normal life into a shell of who they would be otherwise.

As far as your current condition, I saw a video of a young woman who was coming to terms with coping with OCD for quite a long time. She said, "I have OCD, but OCD doesn't have me."

Just some food for thought.

My boss has a 13 year old daughter who is displaying a LOT of obsessive compulsive traits. I keep bugging him to get her therapy now rather than waiting any longer, and he keeps saying, "Oh yeah that's on our radar" but they don't do anything. I think it's cruel for a parent not to try to get treatment for a child who is burdened with OCD.

I'm hoping you respond well to treatment so I can say "See! I have a friend who sought treatment and is so happy he did!"


~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people