>Not OKP argmuments - relationship arguments.
>
>
>https://www.yahoo.com/health/the-two-simple-words-that-are-greatly-improving-my-114584318325.html
>
>
>The Two Simple Words That Are Greatly Improving My Marriage
>(And, No, They're Not 'I'm Sorry')
>
>By Akirah Robinson
>
>Glamour
>
>March 28, 2015
>
>The smallest words can result in the biggest change in
>conversation direction with your partner.
>
>If you’re anything like me, just hearing the word
>“conflict” sends you running to the hills. I’m a
>people-pleaser to the highest degree, so dealing with folks
>who aren’t pleased with me causes me a lot of anxiety.
>Giving someone bad news, boldly stating my opinions when I
>know they differ from others’, and having hard conversations
>aren’t really strengths of mine. Usually I just fake it
>until I make it. Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage, one
>can only fake it so much.
>
>John Gottman, Ph.D., a world-renowned marriage researcher,
>theorized three types of conflict styles that people tend to
>exhibit when in relationships with one another: avoidance,
>validating, and volatile. Avoiders, like me, resist conflict
>like the plague. People who are volatile are highly expressive
>with their emotions and have no problem discussing their
>differences in opinion with loved ones. Lastly, validators
>fall somewhere in between, expressing their emotions and
>opinions in steady and calm ways.
>
>I first learned about these three conflict styles in graduate
>school during my couples’ therapy class. Slowly I began to
>understand why my husband and I struggle so much during
>conflict: I’m a conflict avoider, and my husband is
>volatile, which is a significant mismatch. Any time we
>disagree, I want to run and hide, while he wants to talk it
>out—sometimes loudly. I couldn’t help but wonder how in
>the world we’d actually work through this and learn how to
>productively resolve conflict.
>
>A few months ago, however, I found hope. In a meeting, I was
>introduced to an exercise called “Ouch and Oops,” not
>knowing it would have any kind of impact on my marriage.
>Everyone at the meeting was told that if anyone became
>offended by something someone else said, he/she should say,
>“Ouch!” Immediately, the person who made the offensive
>remark was to respond with “Oops!” and apologize for their
>mishap. The two individuals involved could later discuss the
>incident further, if appropriate. Instantly I was intrigued
>and wanted to tell my husband more about this exercise.
>
>So many times, when I unintentionally say something hurtful,
>my husband reacts the way most volatile people usually
>do—loudly and emotionally. Instead of apologizing (as I
>should, since I did something wrong!), I can be quick to avoid
>the conversation altogether by being defensive.
>
>Defensiveness is never helpful during a disagreement and as a
>result, my husband would often feel disregarded by my attempts
>to deflect his feelings.
>
>“Ouch and Oops” works really well because it gives my
>husband a way to gently initiate conflict. As soon as I hear
>him say it, I know to immediately say “Oops!” and tune in
>to his feelings, rather than disregard them. It starts the
>conversation on the right foot before it gets out of hand,
>which also helps me feel less anxious. Honestly, it’s been a
>win/win for the both of us.
>
>I still remember having a quiet yet intense disagreement with
>my husband a few months ago. As soon as I heard him say
>“Ouch,” I stopped in my tracks, said “Oops,” and
>prepared myself to listen to his perspective. It almost
>didn’t even feel like conflict but rather a really intense
>conversation. After we worked our way through it, I remember
>thinking, Wow…I think that helped. Prior to that evening, we
>had only really used “Ouch and Oops” in a joking manner.
>During that conversation, however, we actually respected each
>other’s differences and found ourselves on the other side,
>completely unscathed.
>
>If you and your partner really struggle to initiate conflict,
>perhaps because of differing conflict styles, I definitely
>recommend trying the “Ouch and Oops” method. It may sound
>silly, but in my experience, it works. I’m not going to
>guarantee that all your arguments will be smooth sailing here
>on out, but learning how to initiate conflict in a
>nonconfrontational manner certainly won’t make matters
>worse.
>
>Is your conflict style avoidance, validating, or volatile?
>What about your partner? Do you think something like “Ouch
>and Oops” could help you and your man argue more
>effectively?
>
>By Akirah Robinson
>
>Akirah Robinson is a writer and breakup coach living in
>Pittsburgh, Pa. Learn more about her at akirahrobinson.com and
>check out her new book, Respected