Well, first of, let me say that I chose recovery for myself. I was not forced into it. I make very good money and have continued to rise in my field. I am the head of a department. I recognized myself as an addict because I was rationalizing my drug and alcohol abuse with a myriad of reasons, such as: "I have a good job, I have the money, everyone else is doing it, I'm not an addict." It got to the point where I was getting high in the morning, and all throughout the day, and staying up till 3am on a daily basis. I got a few hours of sleep and I looked forward to getting high again because I was living la vida loca, and doing it well. I literally did this for several years, high every single day on one thing or another.

The reason I chose recovery as I already mentioned, was to see if I could do it, and also, because I looked into my mother's eyes and I felt ashamed that I dishonored her by destroying the body she gave me. I have confessed all my exploits to her. I am a very transparent individual, I do not lie to anyone. Was I lying to myself? 100%. Am I lying now? No. Last night I felt a pang of regret for writing this post because I am putting a lot of info out there that people will no doubt use in their future attacks on me, especially here, but, in case someone else is doing what I used to do, I want to be an example for them. I can be the punching bag, my skin is thick enough. I have nothing but love to give.

I don't miss the drugs or alcohol at all. I was expecting to have a lot of user dreams but I have only had a couple, and that tells me that subconsciously, I am not looking to get high anymore. I want to build a family and a home with my woman, and drugs are not conducive to that.

I agree that I have a massive ego, however, I try not to use it, but this place has an amazing ability to draw the worst out of everyone. If you don't stand up to it, people here will find your weakness and shit on you. Sometimes, you have to fight back to earn some respect. That's where the ego comes from, and also, people here have a lot of ego as well, we all do. Your ego helped you pen this note. I know you are a human being underneath that is saying something positive and helpful and I recognize that. If I relapse, I'll send you a note, however, I feel like I found something inside me which I thought was dead for years. My heart is blazing with life again and this is better than any high I've had in a very long time.