I have been a long time drinker and drug user. I never had to go into any rehab programs, I experienced a few over doses in my youth but nothing soul crushing that prevented me from doing it again. My friends and I stayed up for a long time huffing and puffing like it was going out of style. i've done it all except heron and only because i couldn't find any.

My decision to go straight edge was more of a personal dare than anything else, I just wanted to see if I could do it since drug became such an integral part of feeling good. I also felt that drugs opened my mind and put me in touch with aspects of my consciousness I could not reach through sobriety, also, I like to create art and I felt drugs opened the doors to my perception, to borrow from Huxley. There are people that can moderate drug and alcohol use, but I am not one of those people, i'm either all in, or all out, to both extremes.

Detox was hell. I spent a couple of weeks writhing in cold sweats in my bed, I had to change 3 times a night, and it looked like I had just come out of the shower with all my clothes on, I experienced vivid and twisted nightmares, which later turned to insomnia. I experienced flash backs and freakish paranoia, and it would hit me anywhere even if I was feeling calm. Suddenly my heart would start racing and the walls began closing in on me, people stopped looking like people and became freakish forms that made irrational noises, and i would feel pangs of fear just sitting at my desk, unable to breathe normally, i had to leave the room many times and just focus on breathing, voices were screaming in my head, i would often reply with head nods or just straight up tuned out. I continued to smoke heavy amounts of weed but decided to give that up as well.

The shit storm has passed and I feel comfortable in my skin again, the sweating, the paranoia, the freakish flash backs, it's all gone. I have noticed a few other things. i fucking love being sober. my senses are sharp and feel like burning hot flames, and i feel with such intensity and clarity and i feel like the entire universe is inside my body. in retrospect, all the mind expanding and perception bending experiences that i felt were putting me in touch with aspects of humanity not attainable through sobriety was a lie. i was dulling my senses, living with a handicap. i feel much more now, so much that i can hardly contain the love and confidence that is surging through me. i feel like i can run through a wall, i feel like this world is mine for the taking. my senses are sharp and vivid. i can hardly contain it.

what a fucking trip.

Fuck your fort!

marijuana only 2 weeks

thanks btw!

i feel like i have a second chance at everything that i wanted to do before and never did, and i'm going to fucking do it, by George, its going to get done

**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

On it. Like an 18 wheeler.

That's one hell of a story. You should be proud of the fact that you decided, on your own, to do this, and that you were actually able to get through it to the other side. Sounds like it wasn't at all easy, but I'm glad to hear you made it through.

Thankfully I'm one of those "moderation" people you mentioned. I don't have an addictive personality at all and have always been able to moderate my substance use (including alcohol) so thankfully I don't think I'll ever need to put myself through anything like this. But if I ever *do* get to that point, god forbid, I hope I have the ability to get through it like you did.

I woke up in time before losing too much. I have a clean bill of health, everything is A-Ok and I'm on a great career path. I'm going to maintain that and take my life to the next level. I was okay at managing my drug and alcohol abuse, but, I underestimated the power it had over me while I was under the influence, and the power of the sobering come down. That's just me though, there are plenty of people that can manage substance use far better than I can. Have fun and be wise :)

And awesome that it sounds like you've totally left it behind. I've known some people to still have one foot in, one foot out which is obviously recipe for disaster. Good on you, keep at it.

If you don't mind me asking, what were your main drugs of choice? You say you didn't touch H...but by what you're describing as your "comedown" symptoms, H is the only drug I can think of...haha. Was it pills?

It feels good!

The usual suspects. Blow, Ketamine, MDMA, G, speed a few times.

Any exercise program?

I stopped eating for a while and I had no energy to exercise as I was also wrestling with the IBS, which is finally clearing up, I can digest full meals again and I feel my strength rising. It was the hardest winter of my life. I am a swimmer, I'm going to get back into that and lifting weights very soon.

May you only continue to feel and get better and better.

not that you should have.

I never hit the streets or anything like that.

I had to drop every friend I had anyway. That was the only way to pull out. They are still partying, probably right now, haha.

9 times out of 10... I miss it just for the ability to be engaged in those environments as opposed to checking the time and waiting for the obligatory period of time to pass before I split.

Yeah, drinking is *the* gateway, as far as I'm concerned. Being the sober one in the room is pretty eye opening. I don't miss it at all. I'm happy to give my body the respect it deserves and I wake up feeling a hell of a lot better than I used to.

If all your friends use it will be hard to find the kinda support you need when you're struggling. Even if they want to be supportive, they probably can't be 100%.
Best of luck .

___________________________________________________________


DJTB YOMM

She has always been sober, and I was the trouble maker. When I quit, it took a lot of strain off our relationship. It was the right thing to do. As far as my friends, I literally do not have any people I can call friends right now, everyone is doing their thing, or dealing with their own problems. That's generally how these "friendships" go. I'm too motivated now to look back though. I'm putting as much time between me and what I used to get down with as possible.

Cause nothing's changed. Even assuming that you're telling the truth (which you're not) you are still exhibiting manic behaviour. And the manic behaviour is the root of the problem.....the drugs are the symptom.

You're having the same flash-in-the-pan momentary revelations that you did whilst on drugs. And it's still feeding into your ego (you're now 'better' than your drug friends...they're not on your level). In fact.....every single post you make is some sort of variation of other people 'not being on your level'. Drugs were a good tool for you to indulge in that. Now you're using sobriety to do the same thing. So really, nothing's changed. Spare me the details cause I know recovery when I see it. You are not exhibiting it.

You have a MASSIVE ego and a whole bunch of defence mechanisms that guard it. We all do....but addicts are more extreme. You need someone else to help you deconstruct all of that because you have grown extremely proficient in lying to yourself.

Takes one to know one.

no snark....I wonder how it will be received.

>Cause nothing's changed. Even assuming that you're telling
>the truth (which you're not) you are still exhibiting manic
>behaviour. And the manic behaviour is the root of the
>problem.....the drugs are the symptom.
>
>You're having the same flash-in-the-pan momentary revelations
>that you did whilst on drugs. And it's still feeding into
>your ego (you're now 'better' than your drug friends...they're
>not on your level). In fact.....every single post you make is
>some sort of variation of other people 'not being on your
>level'. Drugs were a good tool for you to indulge in that.
>Now you're using sobriety to do the same thing. So really,
>nothing's changed. Spare me the details cause I know recovery
>when I see it. You are not exhibiting it.
>
>You have a MASSIVE ego and a whole bunch of defence mechanisms
>that guard it. We all do....but addicts are more extreme.
>You need someone else to help you deconstruct all of that
>because you have grown extremely proficient in lying to
>yourself.
>
>Takes one to know one.
>

>

i recall you used to go hard a few years ago, you seem really chill now, lol, what happened?

>i recall you used to go hard a few years ago, you seem really
>chill now, lol, what happened?

i have been lurking for many years, i remember you going in on folks, and these days, i don't see much of that, just an observation.

would go in on me -still do- and i just kept it movin



>i have been lurking for many years, i remember you going in
>on folks, and these days, i don't see much of that, just an
>observation.

Well, first of, let me say that I chose recovery for myself. I was not forced into it. I make very good money and have continued to rise in my field. I am the head of a department. I recognized myself as an addict because I was rationalizing my drug and alcohol abuse with a myriad of reasons, such as: "I have a good job, I have the money, everyone else is doing it, I'm not an addict." It got to the point where I was getting high in the morning, and all throughout the day, and staying up till 3am on a daily basis. I got a few hours of sleep and I looked forward to getting high again because I was living la vida loca, and doing it well. I literally did this for several years, high every single day on one thing or another.

The reason I chose recovery as I already mentioned, was to see if I could do it, and also, because I looked into my mother's eyes and I felt ashamed that I dishonored her by destroying the body she gave me. I have confessed all my exploits to her. I am a very transparent individual, I do not lie to anyone. Was I lying to myself? 100%. Am I lying now? No. Last night I felt a pang of regret for writing this post because I am putting a lot of info out there that people will no doubt use in their future attacks on me, especially here, but, in case someone else is doing what I used to do, I want to be an example for them. I can be the punching bag, my skin is thick enough. I have nothing but love to give.

I don't miss the drugs or alcohol at all. I was expecting to have a lot of user dreams but I have only had a couple, and that tells me that subconsciously, I am not looking to get high anymore. I want to build a family and a home with my woman, and drugs are not conducive to that.

I agree that I have a massive ego, however, I try not to use it, but this place has an amazing ability to draw the worst out of everyone. If you don't stand up to it, people here will find your weakness and shit on you. Sometimes, you have to fight back to earn some respect. That's where the ego comes from, and also, people here have a lot of ego as well, we all do. Your ego helped you pen this note. I know you are a human being underneath that is saying something positive and helpful and I recognize that. If I relapse, I'll send you a note, however, I feel like I found something inside me which I thought was dead for years. My heart is blazing with life again and this is better than any high I've had in a very long time.

___________________________________________________________


DJTB YOMM

That's quite the journey you're on.

Question: I know recovered addicts usually keep themselves from drugs for the rest of their lives... is that how you plan to do it or do you foresee a time when you're healthy enough to have the occasional dabble without letting it run your life?

I guess my question is "do you think addictive personalities can be 'fixed' or is addiction for life?"

I've just realised that despite being around all manner of drink and drugs since I was a teenager, I've only ever known *of* addicts (friends of friends etc)... all of my friends and family must have been extremely lucky, I guess.

>That's quite the journey you're on.
>
>Question: I know recovered addicts usually keep themselves
>from drugs for the rest of their lives... is that how you plan
>to do it or do you foresee a time when you're healthy enough
>to have the occasional dabble without letting it run your
>life?
>

I don't know the answer to this question yet. I definitely do not want to use hard drugs again, ever. I've lost too much of my dignity doing that, and I shudder at the thought. At this point, I'm too afraid to have a sip of alcohol, so that tells me that I have not recovered and that I have a lot of healing to do. The only thing I could see myself dabbling with again in the future would be a toke here or there, but once again, I'm afraid I'll start to rationalize more frequent use. I need to trust myself first and at this point I am not 100% there. At this point a cup of apple juice brings me as much joy as a cocktail because I'm alive and healthy to enjoy it, and everyday is a miraculous blessing I am thrilled to be a part of. My IBS issues took all the foods I loved away as well, so I had nothing to fill the void with when I got off the drugs, literally, all I could eat was quinoa, apples, and dark green vegetables. All at once I was forced to deal with the raw, stripped down self, and I did it without relapsing, so far.

>I guess my question is "do you think addictive personalities
>can be 'fixed' or is addiction for life?"
>

I honestly don't know.

>I've just realised that despite being around all manner of
>drink and drugs since I was a teenager, I've only ever known
>*of* addicts (friends of friends etc)... all of my friends and
>family must have been extremely lucky, I guess.
>

Sounds like they all came from good loving homes. I am just speculating but I think people who have good relationships with both of their parents growing up have less reason to seek comfort elsewhere, and establish a strong foundation within themselves that allows them to shrug off a lot of the things which become pitfalls for others.

this explains so much about how you come off here.


*****************************************
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=de6VnExhelQ

Presenting Collective Peace.

https://www.facebook.com/CollectivePeace

>this explains so much about how you come off here.

I know I can be a pompous asshole, but I think you are aware of the nature of this place. If you show an ounce of weakness, people will tear it apart. If you feel strongly about something, you have to fight back. I don't cuss people out and I never tell them they are wrong. I will continue to maintain that level of respect for every one of you because people are divine and I want to honor that. Are we going to disagree, sure, but I don't think that is a bad ting, and if I need to say it, then let it stand that everyone here is better than I am, however, I will never let anyone tell me that I do not have the freedom to think whatever I choose to.

I knew a couple in high school and they clued me into the various flavors of skin head.

Does this answer your question?

http://imgur.com/CVXXfbi


I am not a skin head though. I have the inglorious bastard haircut. Long on top, shaved underneath, slicked back.

its a little scary how people are describing you and not being far off.

I don't leave much to the imagination. I felt denny was extra/off but I understand he is trying to help.

you really have on Doc Martens bruh...

it shouldn't be that easy to predict your shoe game. LOL

hahahah.

>Does this answer your question?
>
>http://imgur.com/CVXXfbi
>
>
>I am not a skin head though. I have the inglorious bastard
>haircut. Long on top, shaved underneath, slicked back.


I wasn't sure if it was still a "thing". Are you actually in that scene or just identify with it now that you're in recovery?

>
>I wasn't sure if it was still a "thing". Are you actually in
>that scene or just identify with it now that you're in
>recovery?


Nah, not in any scene. I'm staying low, I always liked Docs so it just happens to align. I stay at home and study/work. I want to take my music to the next level and it's not going to get done if i'm out and about.

...

Vee is I and I am She

...

http://twitter.com/#!/Phenomenality
http://instagram.com/therealphenomenality
http://phenomenality.tumblr.com/archive

i'm interested.

wondering whether this history/current phase was a part of your medical history discussion with all of the doctors you were seeing ?

that's awesome and takes a lot of courage. this may sound like a dumb question, but you said you have an addictive personality. if you could would you change it?

because you can be addicted to stuff that's bad for you, but then you can be addicted to stuff that's good for you too. but if you could trade being all-in on things that are destructive or constructive, for a more moderate temperament do you think you would?

and what kind of music do you make? and who are your influences?