being a "equal" to parents.

Whether they spend more time with your kids or your children have a special relationship with a nanny and choose to confide in the nanny, none of that means or even suggests that that makes them a parenting equal.

You didn't answer the question about whether a nanny decides to circumcise a child or what their religion will be because the answer is obviously "no". Those are decisions for parents only because whether you like it or not, the buck does stop with the parents.

If your kid grows up to be a creep you can't say "well, it's my nanny's fault. she made some bad decisions on how to raise them".

No. It's on you and all the important decision making that the relates to your child can't be outsourced to a nanny.

You can try to dismiss it as that just being my opinion but I will ask the question again you didn't answer, does your wife consider y'all nanny to be her parenting equal?


>>I wasn't opining on how it should be. I am speaking to how
>it
>>is. We all have different values so I wouldn't tell someone
>>else how it should be.
>
>Nah you were insinuating that what you see is the norm and as
>you say below i'm talking crazy talk.
>
>>>>I also don't buy the notion that it boils down to what's
>>>>effective.
>>>
>>>I mean what's the measure then?
>
>Still didn't answer this.
>
>>>>A mother and a nanny aren't equals and I don't
>>>>think the best idea or most effective idea prevails.
>>>
>>>I say they should be. If one just thinks of them as hired
>>help
>>>it will dictate the nature of the relationship. Yes they
>>are
>>>being paid, but they are being paid to be an important part
>>of
>>>a child's life. They may end up spending more time with
>the
>>>children than the parent, in which case they will be a
>>better
>>>judge of what's effective. If a parent hasn't hired a
>>person
>>>that they can trust to make those decisions based on their
>>>experiences not just what they are told the grounds for the
>>>tension and breakdowns are there from the start. They are
>>>becoming an integral part of a family. Treat them as such
>or
>>>yeah there will be resentments.
>>
>>
>>I think you are talking crazy and I think very few people
>>would agree with you.
>
>See you did it again. Other people are like you. I'm crazy.
>
>>You can certainly acknowledge the
>>importance of the role of a nanny and not treat them like
>the
>>hired help AND at the same time acknowledge that they are
>not
>>parenting equals.
>>
>>Their input is valued and welcomed but
>>ultimately they take your direction.
>
>
>You're using this idea of 'parenting equals' to invalidate
>everything I've said because it just makes you feel wrong.
>And see this is the underlying part of the tension. The "I am
>the parent, buck stops with me" shit. The nanny will never be
>the parent. That's a fact. They will never replace the parent
>as the 'parent'. But fact they are spending more time with the
>kids than the parent. Quality time. The children may come to
>the nanny before the parent with questions. The children may
>even be more comfortable just talking to the nanny than the
>parent. They may tell the nanny things they would never tell
>the parent. And guess what, the nanny over time will
>sy/empathize with the children too. Over time they will
>develop a relationship with the nanny.
>
>Now if you've created a bond and trust with the nanny, they
>will come to you with all of these things. They will tell
>you, your child wishes you'd spend a little more time with
>them. Or they can keep that to themselves resenting you as
>the child grows to. And all your 'well i'm the parent' stuff
>means nothing to them. This shit happens. If you think it
>doesn't because you don't see it around you, you need to look
>beyond.
>
>> Your nanny has a say in whether you circumcise your kid or
>>not? Whether corporal punishment is used? What religion
>your
>>child will or not be raised in?
>
>These are just dumb questions.
>
>>Fact is I don't think you will find anyone else who would
>say
>>that there is someome other than the actual parents who are
>>their parenting equal.
>
>Again, you're just trying to satisfy yourself rather than hear
>what I'm actually saying.
>
>>I think that goes for the grandma who help out with the kids
>>and definitely goes for a hired nanny.
>>
>>And mind you I speak on this as a person who was practically
>>raised by a caregiver who was not my parents. I called her
>>grandma and spoke at her funeral a few years ago. And as
>>close as we were and as much as I loved her I never thought
>of
>>her as my parents equal and I doubt she saw herself as such.
>
>
>That's excellent. I'm not talking about parenting equals. I'm
>talking about someone with equal responsibility in raising a
>child. It's on par with the trust you'll put in teachers,
>except more intimate. Open lines of communication and trust
>in them to make decisions.
>
>>>Over the person that's had years of experience with
>children
>>>and spends more time with the children than the child? If
>>>someone can't take honest advice from the nanny, they
>>probably
>>>shouldn't have one.
>>
>>You are not saying take advice from the nanny. You are
>saying
>>the nanny has equal say and that is ridiculous.
>
>Nope you're saying that to negate what I'm saying. Like
>seriously look at what you just wrote in response to what I
>just wrote. I literally said 'take honest advice' and you
>translated that to 'equal say'. LOL!!
>
>>>No I'm asking the nanny about what she observes in the
>kids.
>>>What she's doing that is effective, and what suggestions
>she
>>>may have for them.
>>
>>that doesn't sound like an equal. That's seeking advice from
>>an employee with first hand knowledge.
>
>No shit because that's exactly what I just said. You're the
>one holding on to the literal of 'equal'. Why does the notion
>of equality with a nanny bother you so much? And I think its
>general equality not equality as a parent because if I said
>those words it isn't with all the meaning you're trying to put
>into it. So what is it about this equality with the nanny
>that you find so disturbing.
>
>>Trust has nothing to do with deciding how to raise your kid.
>
>Uhhh trust has everything to do with raising children. In
>fact I'd say trust is the backbone of all relationships.
>
>>I think every parenting style is different and no two people
>>would raise their child alike so when it comes to hiring
>>someone to help you raise your child part of the job is
>being
>>willing to execute your visiion of how you want your child
>>raised.
>
>Yes and then you have to be able to trust them to do so, but
>also have the trust in them to understand that vision enough
>to know if there are pieces of it that aren't working, and
>make adjustments that fit into your value base, and advise you
>of that so that you can come to a collective agreement on
>those adjustments.
>
>█▆▇▅▇█▇▆▄▁▃
>Big PEMFin H & z's
>"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1
>thing, a musician." � Miles
>
>"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."


**********
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