I'm worried about how "easy" things seem so far. Perhaps I underestimated what we did at the hospital and all the tips/tricks/advice we received, but so far things have been going fairly smoothly. I know.. I know... it hasn't even been 48 hours but folks made it seem like a dark cloud was going to move in and everything was going to fall apart and it just hasn't happened. It definitely helps that the husband is here to help... and the Dictator seems to be allowing us to care for him without little to no resistance.

I admit that I still wonder what the monitors would be reading when he squirms or cries or breathes a certain way, but i'm starting to let that part of his life go for my own sanity.

It's weird to think about how small he was. There were so many pictures that I took of him when he was small.. just in case they were all I had of him... I couldn't look at them though... I hated them... i hated how fragile he was and blamed the hell out of myself for it. I beat myself up with thoughts of "how could you not know".. "why didn't you call sooner"... at that time those pictures were a reminder of my failure... I can look at them now... it's like reading the end of a book and then going back to the beginning because you liked the end... if that makes sense...

I guess I'm just confessing that this has been a hell of a ride and it's left me a bit scarred... but i'm putting the pieces back together... for me... for him... for the husband... and I'm hoping that at the end of the day we'll all be ok.