>aunt (RIP), and the rest of your family. may the Lord grant
>you peace and comfort in these days.
>
>*sigh*.
>
>i'm very glad that her transition was not as difficult as you
>had feared, from what I remembered of the other post. i'm glad
>that her soul is at rest.

Yes, her suffering was our greatest concern

>
>i pray your strength (and that of your father in the coming
>days).

Thank you

>please know, however, that those tears are needed, and
>inevitable. but i understand the impetus to say 'not now...
>not yet'. they will come, and they will come in buckets.

As I write the obit and funeral program, looking at the pics has been hard. Especially those pics of me and her when I was a kid.

>being strong for your dad, however, includes allowing him to
>see that being strong includes acknowledging and responding to
>those feelings. i don't know how he is... but maybe if you cry
>around him, rather than making him sad, you give him emotional
>cover to let HIS feelings out. (if i recall correctly, she
>pretty much raised him so this is like him burying his mother,
>right?)
>
>he's gonna need to get those tears out.

This is the first time, in my life, that I've ever seen my dad cry. I love my dad so much. He is the epitome of what every man should be. So, I want to make sure that my support of him honors his grief.

Even in this last month, it's been like he was in denial. And I so wanted to protect him from that denial. For example, about a week or so ago--after we made the decision to cut life support--he and I met with her speech therapist to get a prognosis regarding her swallowing. Her hospitalist had already said that she was beyond hope, but my dad understandably wanted to talk to the speech therapist. The therapist told him and me that while she had a small amount of reflexive swallowing, she could not swallow meals. This meant that while she could swallow her saliva (as we often do without ever noticing) that was it. What he said was consistent with what the hospitalist said. I heard "little hope". My dad heard "some swallowing, so maybe she can get to 50% better." :-/ I knew that that was not what the speech therapist meant and I tried to clarify, but it angered him. So, I let it go. Then he called my uncle and cousin and told them:

"50% CHANCE"

I once again said dad, that's not what he meant and he again got frustrated with me. Again, I let it go. A few days later, the docs told him again that she would likely not recover. We took her home last Friday night. My dad and my uncle focused much of their attention on how to get her to swallow. She was losing so much weight. They thought she was losing weight because she wasn't eating; but, she was actually not eating because she was dying. They denied that truth...understandably. They tended to her bedside like very young sons tending to their ailing mother as if they were confounded and befuddled that "mom" would not respond to them as she always did. They did the things they knew would annoy her like shaking her bed. Sometimes she'd respond in a barely audible admonishment of "STOP IT GEORGE," but mostly she stared into space and averted her eyes. My uncle thought that that meant she was angry with him. But, hospice explained that it meant that she was traveling. She was conveying that she was leaving us. Really not even conveying because she was not focused on us...she was elsewhere and indicating such. My dad and my uncle stood on either side of her bed holding her hands. Washing her face. Loving on her in the way that strong men who are made vulnerable by circumstances emote. They loved her and felt helpless, but refused to concede hopelessness...until 1:29 pm on Thursday.


>and those tears will wash over you. and they'll help wash away
>the memories of your aunt's last days and weeks. the sadness
>will never truly go away. but those tears will wash away
>enough of the recent memories to allow you to more clearly see
>and distinguish your more true memories of your aunt's truest
>self -- the person you and your family loved and depended on.
>
>
>
>peace & blessings,
>
>x.
>