we got her to hospice and ended life support on Friday night, and she passed away yesterday.

Although it was and still is very very sad, her actual death was much more peaceful than I was afraid it would be. Hospice began anxiety meds and morphine on Friday night, and she was basically in and out of consciousness until she just went to sleep and faded away.

The bureaucracy and business side of all of this has been hell. hospice almost put her out the day before she died because of some red tape bullshit. I cussed them out (which I was afraid might have made things worst but actually made things better), and then they chilled.

I also think that there needs to be a national or state registry for life ins policies. Loved ones should not have to rummage like chickens with their heads cut off to handle the $$ part while they are also grieving. Thanks for everything masacuda.

Looks like it will be a Christmas funeral...Still working out details.

My family is awesome.

We are sad...especially my dad (who actually carried his sister's body out of the hospice with the funeral home...he's been very protective of her). I haven't cried yet. I'm afraid that if I do, I won't stop. And I don't want to make my dad sadder by crying around him.

Thanks for your support, okp

*skatin' the rings of saturn*


..and miles to go before i sleep...

I agree with what you said about the life policy thing.. we went through the same situation when my dad passed away


@silentintellect

>I agree with what you said about the life policy thing.. we
>went through the same situation when my dad passed away

yeah. that's just crazy. went through that w/ my mother in law. it's a wild scramble.




peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

***
I'm tryna be better off, not better than...

big hug to you and your family

.
.
.
"America, stop turning our Court Houses of Justice into Dens for Justified Murderers."

may she R.I.P.

:(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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"There is much temptation to use what has worked before,
even when it may exceed its effective scope."

"Roll me further bitch"

Peace and strength to you and your family.

PEACE TO YOU AND THE FAM :-(

She was blessed. You helped make her transition as peaceful and comfortable as possible.

.

aunt (RIP), and the rest of your family. may the Lord grant you peace and comfort in these days.

*sigh*.

i'm very glad that her transition was not as difficult as you had feared, from what I remembered of the other post. i'm glad that her soul is at rest.

i pray your strength (and that of your father in the coming days).

please know, however, that those tears are needed, and inevitable. but i understand the impetus to say 'not now... not yet'. they will come, and they will come in buckets.

being strong for your dad, however, includes allowing him to see that being strong includes acknowledging and responding to those feelings. i don't know how he is... but maybe if you cry around him, rather than making him sad, you give him emotional cover to let HIS feelings out. (if i recall correctly, she pretty much raised him so this is like him burying his mother, right?)

he's gonna need to get those tears out.

and those tears will wash over you. and they'll help wash away the memories of your aunt's last days and weeks. the sadness will never truly go away. but those tears will wash away enough of the recent memories to allow you to more clearly see and distinguish your more true memories of your aunt's truest self -- the person you and your family loved and depended on.


peace & blessings,

x.

>aunt (RIP), and the rest of your family. may the Lord grant
>you peace and comfort in these days.
>
>*sigh*.
>
>i'm very glad that her transition was not as difficult as you
>had feared, from what I remembered of the other post. i'm glad
>that her soul is at rest.

Yes, her suffering was our greatest concern

>
>i pray your strength (and that of your father in the coming
>days).

Thank you

>please know, however, that those tears are needed, and
>inevitable. but i understand the impetus to say 'not now...
>not yet'. they will come, and they will come in buckets.

As I write the obit and funeral program, looking at the pics has been hard. Especially those pics of me and her when I was a kid.

>being strong for your dad, however, includes allowing him to
>see that being strong includes acknowledging and responding to
>those feelings. i don't know how he is... but maybe if you cry
>around him, rather than making him sad, you give him emotional
>cover to let HIS feelings out. (if i recall correctly, she
>pretty much raised him so this is like him burying his mother,
>right?)
>
>he's gonna need to get those tears out.

This is the first time, in my life, that I've ever seen my dad cry. I love my dad so much. He is the epitome of what every man should be. So, I want to make sure that my support of him honors his grief.

Even in this last month, it's been like he was in denial. And I so wanted to protect him from that denial. For example, about a week or so ago--after we made the decision to cut life support--he and I met with her speech therapist to get a prognosis regarding her swallowing. Her hospitalist had already said that she was beyond hope, but my dad understandably wanted to talk to the speech therapist. The therapist told him and me that while she had a small amount of reflexive swallowing, she could not swallow meals. This meant that while she could swallow her saliva (as we often do without ever noticing) that was it. What he said was consistent with what the hospitalist said. I heard "little hope". My dad heard "some swallowing, so maybe she can get to 50% better." :-/ I knew that that was not what the speech therapist meant and I tried to clarify, but it angered him. So, I let it go. Then he called my uncle and cousin and told them:

"50% CHANCE"

I once again said dad, that's not what he meant and he again got frustrated with me. Again, I let it go. A few days later, the docs told him again that she would likely not recover. We took her home last Friday night. My dad and my uncle focused much of their attention on how to get her to swallow. She was losing so much weight. They thought she was losing weight because she wasn't eating; but, she was actually not eating because she was dying. They denied that truth...understandably. They tended to her bedside like very young sons tending to their ailing mother as if they were confounded and befuddled that "mom" would not respond to them as she always did. They did the things they knew would annoy her like shaking her bed. Sometimes she'd respond in a barely audible admonishment of "STOP IT GEORGE," but mostly she stared into space and averted her eyes. My uncle thought that that meant she was angry with him. But, hospice explained that it meant that she was traveling. She was conveying that she was leaving us. Really not even conveying because she was not focused on us...she was elsewhere and indicating such. My dad and my uncle stood on either side of her bed holding her hands. Washing her face. Loving on her in the way that strong men who are made vulnerable by circumstances emote. They loved her and felt helpless, but refused to concede hopelessness...until 1:29 pm on Thursday.


>and those tears will wash over you. and they'll help wash away
>the memories of your aunt's last days and weeks. the sadness
>will never truly go away. but those tears will wash away
>enough of the recent memories to allow you to more clearly see
>and distinguish your more true memories of your aunt's truest
>self -- the person you and your family loved and depended on.
>
>
>
>peace & blessings,
>
>x.
>

.

they certainly ring true.

it seems as if coping with and helping others in their transitions -- dealing with death as an adult -- is one of those last skills acquired. there are so many emotions to navigate. it sounds as if, for all the inherent difficulty and unpleasantness, you've managed to level up there, to the benefit of your aunt, your dad, and your uncles.

>As I write the obit and funeral program, looking at the pics
>has been hard. Especially those pics of me and her when I was
>a kid.

these 'new school' funerals be the toughest, sometimes. for my mother in law we went through dozens of photo albums searching for those handful of representative snapshots through which to distill her life. the a/v folks at church made a beautiful slideshow which was sad, but also calming and affirming. as wrenching as it is to see some of those old photos and know that you can never go back, it is far, far better than the memory of a loved one's physical shell in a hospital bed, or some funeral director's approximation of him or her, laying impassive in a casket.

>
>>being strong for your dad, however, includes allowing him to
>>see that being strong includes acknowledging and responding
>to
>>those feelings. i don't know how he is... but maybe if you
>cry
>>around him, rather than making him sad, you give him
>emotional
>>cover to let HIS feelings out. (if i recall correctly, she
>>pretty much raised him so this is like him burying his
>mother,
>>right?)
>>
>>he's gonna need to get those tears out.
>
>This is the first time, in my life, that I've ever seen my dad
>cry. I love my dad so much. He is the epitome of what every
>man should be. So, I want to make sure that my support of him
>honors his grief.
>
>Even in this last month, it's been like he was in denial. And
>I so wanted to protect him from that denial. For example,
>about a week or so ago--after we made the decision to cut life
>support--he and I met with her speech therapist to get a
>prognosis regarding her swallowing. Her hospitalist had
>already said that she was beyond hope, but my dad
>understandably wanted to talk to the speech therapist. The
>therapist told him and me that while she had a small amount of
>reflexive swallowing, she could not swallow meals. This meant
>that while she could swallow her saliva (as we often do
>without ever noticing) that was it. What he said was
>consistent with what the hospitalist said. I heard "little
>hope". My dad heard "some swallowing, so maybe she can get to
>50% better." :-/ I knew that that was not what the speech
>therapist meant and I tried to clarify, but it angered him.
>So, I let it go. Then he called my uncle and cousin and told
>them:
>
>"50% CHANCE"

wow. HOPE. that's hard. that slow process of replacing the object or objective of your hope from a restoration in the physical, to an understanding that you will see them again in the hereafter. that's a tough line to cross, but i think, mentally, emotionally, once we cross that, its easier to attend to the here and now -- how can we understand that we can let. them. go. that helping them with their bags as they make this final journey is not a betrayal. its a final act of kindness and love on this side of eternity.


>I once again said dad, that's not what he meant and he again
>got frustrated with me. Again, I let it go. A few days later,
>the docs told him again that she would likely not recover. We
>took her home last Friday night. My dad and my uncle focused
>much of their attention on how to get her to swallow. She was
>losing so much weight. They thought she was losing weight
>because she wasn't eating; but, she was actually not eating
>because she was dying. They denied that
>truth...understandably. They tended to her bedside like very
>young sons tending to their ailing mother as if they were
>confounded and befuddled that "mom" would not respond to them
>as she always did. They did the things they knew would annoy
>her like shaking her bed. Sometimes she'd respond in a barely
>audible admonishment of "STOP IT GEORGE," but mostly she
>stared into space and averted her eyes. My uncle thought that
>that meant she was angry with him. But, hospice explained that
>it meant that she was traveling. She was conveying that she
>was leaving us. Really not even conveying because she was not
>focused on us...she was elsewhere and indicating such. My dad
>and my uncle stood on either side of her bed holding her
>hands. Washing her face. Loving on her in the way that strong
>men who are made vulnerable by circumstances emote. They loved
>her and felt helpless, but refused to concede
>hopelessness...until 1:29 pm on Thursday.

that traveling theme is so pervasive. and people who are around death like that really do develop a sense. kinda like when i'm flying and we hit turbulence, my eyes are to the flight attendants -- if they cool, i'm cool. nurses be knowing. kinda like reverse midwives. "it won't be long now". sometimes they'll say it, other times it'll be concealed within a nod or a glance.

like i was saying above, you put this very beautifully. and this is a path we'll all have to walk down (losing a loved one) unless WE are the ones who are quickly cut off.

i hope, in all of this, you and your family can have a Merry Christmas.




peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

Wishing peace for you & your family.

Hospice can be a trip, we had to cuss them out a few times too

And yeah when u do cry it's probably gonna be a lot cause u can keep urself busy and somewhat detached from the loss aspect until u have to think about it

A good cry is cathartic tho

.

i dont have colors
my mmsic:
www.soundclick.com/sylana
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Brb8g8f18xE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NgNuVHrEKI

and peace and blessings to you and your family

courage & strength.

you and your family will make it through. Peace and blessings to you and your family during this time :-) :-) :-) ...



♥ :* I LUV ALL A' Y'ALL!!! :7 !!! :* ♥

I didn't see your inbox until just now and I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you.

I am sending you so much love.

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

>we got her to hospice and ended life support on Friday night,
>and she passed away yesterday.
>
>Although it was and still is very very sad, her actual death
>was much more peaceful than I was afraid it would be. Hospice
>began anxiety meds and morphine on Friday night, and she was
>basically in and out of consciousness until she just went to
>sleep and faded away.
>
>The bureaucracy and business side of all of this has been
>hell. hospice almost put her out the day before she died
>because of some red tape bullshit. I cussed them out (which I
>was afraid might have made things worst but actually made
>things better), and then they chilled.
>
>I also think that there needs to be a national or state
>registry for life ins policies. Loved ones should not have to
>rummage like chickens with their heads cut off to handle the
>$$ part while they are also grieving. Thanks for everything
>masacuda.
>
>Looks like it will be a Christmas funeral...Still working out
>details.
>
>My family is awesome.
>
>We are sad...especially my dad (who actually carried his
>sister's body out of the hospice with the funeral home...he's
>been very protective of her). I haven't cried yet. I'm afraid
>that if I do, I won't stop. And I don't want to make my dad
>sadder by crying around him.
>
>Thanks for your support, okp

does it really matter?

for all my fans who keep my name in their mouth: http://i.imgur.com/v2xNOpS.jpg