It's like one long ass nightmare.

I got a letter from the government, yesterday. I opened and read it and said they were suckers. They told me my GI Bill money "expired" last year.

In the letter, the person so graciously reminded me of a correspondence letter I never got in Sept of 14 stating that my benefits expired LAST YEAR AUGUST! August 2013.

So wait, you send me a letter saying I lost my money in september (that I never got)... for fund I lost eleven months prior?

What happened to the benefits update or heads up I should have gotten in maybe...2012? This is some bullshit. They keeping almost $30k of my hard-earned dough. This effs up my school money completely. My credit sucks so loans may not even be an option... AARRRGGGH!

because 2014 has been the worst year of my life.

I haven't bought it yet...
But I want it.
It would instantly become the most expensive piece of art I own. By a long shot.
But I want it.

and we are supposed to go to our MIL's house for Xmas. I don't think that's gonna happen. I feel so bad for my wife. Her momma is so jealous of our relationship it's sad.

My wife's mother actually said "everyone can't be lucky like you and have a good husband/marriage"

Who says shit like that? Of course this was during an argument where everyone was trying to fix the other sisters marriage because her sister is mean as shit and used that dude to get some babies with good hair. Yeah.. he white. But he's cool as shit.

I love that dude like a brother, we almost got in a fight with some local heads at a titty bar at my bachelor party and that dude was ready to throw hands, no questions asked. I fux with him.

but they shit on that dude... so of course, I know they shittin' on me as well.

so at least they mess with you a lil bit. By son is 7 and they still don't rock with me... The lowly Akata... *sigh* lol.

only asking because you've posted so much about yalls relationship. interesting context if so.

Nigerian

and you may have stated that in previous posts.

this explains everything...

>Nigerian

damn homie...

is she giving you that look while beefing? Like you aren't worthy.

but it's bad right now.

We used to do grab bag for christmas and this year my wife asked if we were doing it and her mom said NOPE.

This is the same women who forced us to start this grab bag shit.

No presents for us this year.

The lowly Akata... *sigh*
>lol.

>The lowly Akata... *sigh*


Simply put, I imagine that it's very difficult negotiating a relationship that includes cultural differences, especially with how Black (American) men are looked at.

I definitely don't know the intricacies of dude's relationship but I can imagine the cultural differences don't help.

Wild Animal...

It'
s Nigeria's way of saying nigger pretty much.

in to me right away.

I liked him, but I wasn't as enthused as he was. I mean he introduced me to his grandmother, 2 uncles, an aunt, his mother, his sister and his niece and nephew on our second date.

Now, anyone who knows me in real life knows I don't talk a lot, I rarely answer my phone, and I rarely respond to text right away.

Of course this bothered him and led him to ask me if I liked him at least once a week for the last three weeks of our 'situation.' Anytime I couldn't be reached, or wasn't interested in talking or going out his feelings were hurt. We are going to call this man "Drummer Boy"

Now there is this other situation, with "old man jenkins" that has been on and off for 5 years. I don't know how I could be so annoyed with "drummer Boy" but be just like him in my situation with "old man jenkins!"

He never answers my text. I don't know why I even text him, because I know he hates text messaging. The chances of him answering my call is less than 50% and the chance of him calling me back is 10%.

Yet I spend my nights distraught with worry - "are we off again?" "did I do something wrong?" "what did I say?" "what about the plans we made, are those off now?"

I totally understand "drummer boy," but that didn't make me change for him.

I should be able to understand "old man jenkins" since I been there, but that hasn't changed much either.

I don't understand how I can be on both sides of the situations and not get anything from it. Like, I should have learned something useful on each side, right?

UGH!!!!!

I totally understand because I'm the same way.

But it's developed into something helpful -- I appreciate earnestness and I am put off by the lack of it.

If you don't make me feel like you're *REEEEEALLY* into me, then I assume you're not at all.

And I'm also a lot more understanding now of how my extreme introversion makes men feel.
I make a big effort to explain to them that I'm into it, but need this space.
A good compromise is being alone together sometimes -- same space, but quietly doing our own thing.


I am not trying to ever be with an "old man jenkins" again, or to behave like one.

making want is pretty kewl too.

do you mean by making want?

that disappoint you.
make no mistake, i went for mr. wrong (c) sade before as well

what i'm saying is...
you ain't gotta fuck with none of that
the kewler you become with not being a mrs. our someone's +1
you'll be allrighter with letting that shit go.
sometimes it's not going to be a mr. saturday night
might not be the next either.
still be cool at sundown the day after payday.

do not spend one moment with a man who doesn't glorify you.
you'll wind up with a cornucopia of men who do.

I swear.. I know she see's it but why can't she stop it?

i like my job but i just can't be bothered, and my coworkers aren't going this year...none of them...we all filed a formal complaint against one of my supervisors (the boss knows, we gave him our complaints first and he's very upset. he screamed on her twice last week, so now she just tries to leave him alone)

she just makes work so miserable so we all try to avoid her. its' sad that work is this way...none of my corworkers are going and we feel bad because we know it looks like my boss' department are separatist.

it bothers me to be unhappy with the work situation but at the same time, to love my job...because how can i do my best work when i'm not happy?

Anyway.

In one month I will be on my birthday vacation, and I can't wait...I feel like a lot of big things will come in 2015 for me.

One of my tweets got RT'ed 1500 times (manually RT'ed a ridiculous amount) and it made my day cuz I had twitter goals and managed to reach two in the last month. (these fall in line with some big things I have planned for 2015).

obviously only ones where they live

but I just bust out laughing every time. never fails.

-And I love it! Admittedly, I was really really nervous. People have always told me that my
long, thick hair was the source of what little beauty I might have.
So naturally, I had some hesitation about letting go of it. But I love the cut more and more each day.

Oh, and the beautician arched my eyebrows too. I had to give in on that, lol, and I'm glad I did.
I wonder if I look a little older now (and not 19). I think so. More "grown up."


-I dreamed last night that my family took their in-fighting to the church and started going off on each other via testimony.
Then I turned and saw my deceased grandmother sitting in a pew (not her usual spot at the front as a church mother) and
she had tears in her eyes. I want to tell all of my aunts and uncles this so they'll stop being stupid.


-The news has just really gotten me down. But at the same time, I'm happy that people are standing up.
I want to be out there with the low wage strikers AND the police brutality protesters.


-I think, or hope, that I'm getting lumber for Christmas. I have a bed to build.

I think you should tell you aunts and uncles about your dream.
Some older southern folks are into "that stuff", it may calm them down!



*****************************************
http://prettyperiod.me/

http://whenwomenrefuse.tumblr.com/

like, i'm not huge but i'm definitely not where i was pre-baby
i could lose a good 10-15lbs, although then i might be a wee bit too thin.

i just don't have the time, actually i do have some time, i just don't have the energy to go to the gym as much as i once did. i'm so freaking tired and i can't keep up with work, the house and the kid and then the gym. if i could manage my time better then it could happen, but as it stands, i'm beat.

the quicker i leave for something else the better.

somedays its maaaad hard waking up and being positive and upbeat but i gotta do it. i enjoy being encouraging and positive for people around me but somedays i wish i could get good energy from others just because they thought of me.

2 years no sex and i can care less (not true at all!!). want it havent gotten it but hey...

the temptation to shave this beard is growing but i do like it when i line it up and i'm lookin all swaggy and mean with it so i will wait it out a bit longer

the kids giving me sideways looks cus i havent put the tree or decorations up yet, tonight imma get on that i promise...i hope i will at least

this has been one of the oddest years i ever experienced, wasnt terrible wasnt greatness, just odd and interesting...


let it shine through!!!!!!

right now at least.

i figure, after a decade of experience samey weather, a mild 50-60 365 days a year, being cold, very cold with the promise that its going to eventually get very hot I am OK WITH THIS

he's not set to get out until january 2016.

that's a long time. More than I think I'm willing to give. I love this dude with all my heart, but I can't put my baby through this over his dumb ass decision.


a former flame is really trying his hardest to put himself back in my life. On paper he is everything I could want and then some. In the bedroom he is everything I could want and then some. But my heart still lies with my jailbird.

I'm torn...the stress of all of this stuff plus work has lead me back to cigarettes. I thought I was done.

his baby girl wasn't shit and i'm not fucking with her anymore.
she told her sister she was tired of paying bills so she stopped paying her rent.
her father still doesn't get it.
that girl is too fucked for parenting right now.
i say to him, the real fucked up part is she didn't put it into her kids.
"yep. you right."
NIGGER WILL YOU WAKE THE FUCK UP?
i see her after 2-3 years
motherfucker you raised her.

*edit*
she doesn't want to pay me, y'all. and she has fucked herself with me over what i had no intent to charge for. you've gone too far off left of my intelligence this time. you're a fucking trick and i ain't jumping in the bag.

i made a mistake allowing her to store her stuff in my garage. *slaps wrist*
i guarantee* you ain't nothing else coming.
she never intended to pay me.
there is no way you put $900 cash in my hand, to hold for you while you take 50 to the casino
AND I HAND IT BACK TO YOU, IN A SEALED ENVELOPE
and expect me to think i need to wait until you get change from a hundred to get $80.
hahaha
are you kidding me?
you will get a free trip to chicago because i will take your ass on judge mathis.
shit i read "inner city miracle" for real.

admittedly there's a difference between baby daddies and baby daddy drama. but the drama....i can't do it. especially when you "hate that nigga" but you still playing house to save money till you make your move. make your move, then we'll see if i'm still here. this shit will either be hella rewarding or toxic and fuckitall-ing. and after 15 years of knowing this person i'm comfortable with either one.
---------------------------------------
it's true what they say...people are strange, when you're strangers.

not compassionate....only polite.

I am not like you at all and i cannot pretend.

and i took the time to read and re-read and re-read and come up with some solid analysis and sent it back to her. she thanked me and that was that.

apparently, my critique--particularly in the questions i asked her regarding WHY she was doing the blog--put her in some sort of creative space where she couldn't bring herself to continue writing. i guess she was overwhelmed and maybe a little discouraged.

it's funny because when you have academic training in a creative field, a lot of it is critiques/workshops and it's hardly ever malicious but it's often brutal. i myself LOVE a brutal critique. this is the culture that i come from and anytime i give any advice or critique, i'm going to approach it coming from that culture. i gave her what i would have wanted for myself, but i guess it was too much.

i'm just bummed out that my comments discouraged her from writing. super bummed out. i never want to be that person that influences someone to step away from their own creativity. at the same time, she essentially got some free advice from an expert. so there's that. just a wack situation all around.

is her blog making money? Does it bring her happiness?

Did she start a blog because everyone else was starting a blog 5 years ago?

all rhetorical, but I bet she stepped back for a few or maybe she is getting more feedback.

honestly i think my help was kinda over her head. i hate to say shit like that.

i don think she understands herself why she started her blog. it wasn't for money tho. at least i don't think. i just wanted her to cater to that purpose in her writing.

all her other feedback has been encouraging and positive.

was it a style blog, hair blog, or what?

I mean, if her blog doesn't have a focus, then yeah I think that's a legit question to ask...why are you writing this blog...but at the same time, when doing critiques, we can't assume everyone is as receiving to the same thing we are...which is why it's always best to default to being a bit more gentle...i.e., listing what you liked, what you felt was strong, THEN listing what was wrong or even just changing the wording of your critique. Now if this isn't your style, or impossible for you, then it's best to tell the person "i don't mind but this is how i do things, will that be an issue" because critique friends is a touchy subject.

Either way, maybe your question did cause her to really think and realize that maybe this isn't something she wants to do.

what one is esp since this was her first one...i critique public health papers all the time for ppl and when i have a new student i tell them "this is what you'll be getting from me, if this is an issue, then maybe i'm not the best person."

different ppl respond to things differently and we can't have a one size fits all approach. she can be how she is, but when you know you're a hard critique, it's good to advise ppl esp if that person is a friend (or a wife of a friend)

its a parenting blog and its very sensitive.

i thought i was being gentle with my critique. i usually do ask, do you want a real critique or just something lite, but i'm not sure if i asked her this time...


>Either way, maybe your question did cause her to really think
>and realize that maybe this isn't something she wants to do.

yeah thats what it sounds like.

.

Like, I wake up with some kind of song going in my head everyday, it's usually a Christian or Gospel, but sometimes it's some other random song. I love it.




.
.
.
"America, stop turning our Court Houses of Justice into Dens for Justified Murderers."

just found out some things I did in the past will probably keep me in this same position at work until I retire (or resign). I'll be taking a test for a promotion tomorrow. But now I dont even know if it's worth it.

I work for a law enforcement entity. There's a cross on this seal.

I'm not who I was.

God forgives. People don't.

:-(

I feel some kinda way about basically pleading my case for this job, but I have kids to feed.

whatever

...sent our EP out to a few people ahead of time just on some 'hey this is on some soundtrack of the times shit please enjoy'. just given the current events. i hope they didn't think i was trying to sell them anything (or get them to do anything special with the music besides just listen and enjoy it). now i'm wondering if they enjoyed it bc no one has said anything since i sent them the music. *shrug* i think the album is phenomenal and it drops next monday. i am very excited.

>It's like one long ass nightmare.

You descibed my current situation for me.

I hate the holiday season. I'm no scrooge but please lets just get through this.

There is no reasoning with some people. Even when I quietly attempt to avoid confrontation while doing what is my job ever so nicely, I am acosted.

I look at my self and feel weak at times, but then I run down everything I've ever been thru all the hurt, happiness, pain disappointment, hard times, good times, and guess what? I'm still fucking here! I may be in repair but god damn it I'm here. That makes me strong bc a weaker person would have given up on living long ago.

living check to check beats no checks at all, but I want to step it up

normal relationship issues is better than a toxic situation any day, but I want to have time to foster something stronger and that time is barely there

being a struggling paid writer beats doing it for free, but I haven't hit my stride yet

all of this feels like a hurdle but slow progress is better than none

I'm about to buy her tickets to a prize fight as part of Christmas and I know she's going to be thrilled.

all they r doing is setting this lazy idiot up for failure

not by death
but by circumstance

OMG i feel so free!
i am so much happier without all the weight
of it all

like what God has for me
and who He wants to be with me
is with me

:)
this has been a magical year

i feel like having children is a trap, and i don't think it's one that i want to fall into. i'm seeing too much, even with the 'good' ones.

>i feel like having children is a trap

the majority of the time it's the woman who is trapped...

It's like a one-way trap door.

And for a variety of reasons, this new world you're trapped in works out for you or it doesn't.

Either way, you can never go back.


I think I could be okay in that world, but I work too hard at avoiding trap doors, lol.
I could only get there if I'd go willingly and the way things are now, I won't.

so i had to go to court about child support on Monday... now first off I don't think I should pay support at all bc well I take care of my son just as much as his mother does... so why pay support when ur doing the actual work... but the courts and world see it differently ...

so back in Sept went and they said i had to pay basically 20% of my salary... i was pissed i objected but they said suck it up and submitt ur objection over there and wait 3 months til we will listen to ur objection...

so for that time i was basically in trouble bc well paying that kinda money was hurting my pockets... i had enough to pay bills and put gas in my car to get to work... now the only saving grace is my wife is a great woman and we worked together... so we made due...

fast forward to Monday and they listen to my objection... and basically i said hey my son is with me 1/2 the month so this should be lowered... so court says u and mom sit in this room and see if u can come up with a number and if u do great if not we will intervene and make up what we think is fair...

so we sit down she says a number i say no and she says well you owe me bc u said you will pay my car insurance... *looks at camera*
now back story when we were together I signed for a car which she still had after we broke up... i was paying for the car insurance when she moved and we agreed i would do so for 1 yr after we broke up... and i would pay after school car and give her x amount of money every month... now a short time after we agreed to this i lost my job... a VERY good job... so I took a hit in salary of at that time 50k and then got a new job about 1 yr later and was still 30k down from my previous salary... now during this whole time i still cared for my son and did everything BUT give her the x amount bc well i couldn't afford all of that plus live... so i did the things i needed to do for him...

so back to monday... i say that has nothing to do with child support and it makes no sense... she says you promised me and now you are off buying 200k houses and showing off for the world... *looks at camera again* again what does the price of the house my wife and i bought have to do with child support...

she won't budge off her number i give in bc it's less but still high but not sure houw court will rule...

at first i was mad... then i though back to something my son said to my wife... "I am glad u married my dad I have never seen him so happy"

so if ur reading this as I am sure u are ... i hope the money brings u comfort bc I am happy ...

sorry you're going through that but money is ALWAYS when ppl will show their ugly side

she can't buy what you have. let her try.

I don't even know the ins and outs like that and I'm mad as shit for you

You better than me I'd have laid out my finances to the court and told them to pick a # from the gate

What an outrage

I have no idea where I put it!

Whatever life's good. Tomorrow should be fun.

I'm still learning to 'just chill'.

I should be asleep.

I really love this city.

I am very grateful to be able to feed and shelter my family. Nobody can take us all in, if something happens to me...my children's lives would be upended and never the same. So I'm hella grateful

But like...I'm facing a growing sense of dissatisfaction. They don't want...but need more. More space. Their own dedicated bathroom as they get older. Better local services, Juan and nem take over our local playground every weekend. I need to make more money

But I'm really at capacity...work wise. I'm tapped out. I'm mentally exhausted. I'm physically drained. I get up at hella early and go hard til hella late...6 days a week. And I know I'm planting the seeds now for future growth but what good will that future be if I'm dead and can't take advantage of it?

Also, I'm at that age where mfers start getting old and sick. My home has high blood pressure. Dude is like 42. My honegirl has pre diabetes...how that sbit happen, I dunno, she's a vegetarian. Its just hella real.

Add on various other things & yeah. I'm stressed as sbit


does it really matter?

for all my fans who keep my name in their mouth: http://i.imgur.com/v2xNOpS.jpg

So I've been eyeing this dollhouse for my daughter since I saw it. it's the Fisher Price Loving Family dollhouse. It was on sale at Toys R Us and I was gonna put something on it to make sure they weren't all scooped up.

The reason that I wanted it because you could get it with an African American family. Go to TRU to get it and they are not only all sold out. But they are discontinuing it. So I wanted the really big one, so I asked if they had any of the smaller ones. Nope. I check to see if there are any left in NC or MI...nope.

So I'm pissed! This is the only thing I wanted for the two year old munchkin when it came to toys. My hubby seeing how upset I am, goes on Amazon and buys the damn thing!

Awesome hubby!

He was thinking that it was because I have a weird obsession with doll houses. I had to explain to him that when I was little, I had a very expensive dollhouse with furniture. But I could find no black people to fit it. I was just so excited that this particular dollhouse not only came with the furniture, but a black family with it. Growing up it was difficult to find black dolls. Black mothers fought for those dolls at Christmas time!

But I admit, now that it's here...I can't wait to play with it, with my little girl.

...

So guess who has to go on a vacation somewhere in the next few weeks? I've never had a vacation so this is weird. Doc was like takeoff ASAP. I'm legit stunned because I have to start another Masters program in a month but feel burned out anyway. I'm screwed up but can't catch my breath.

What's a good spot to go to find some piece of mind?

On the environment you thrive in

If it is tropical, Miami at the very least, or the Caribbean

If you like big cities, go to one

If you have a lot of friends/ family stressing, pick a place, leave your cell (buy a prepaid for the trip),tell one trustworthy friend your whereabouts and go

...got caught fooling around with a 16 year old in her parents car...he's 30...
my mom knows his parents pretty well...she told me about it earlier this year...to be honest..it kinda didn't phase me...i was like...(to myself)..."uh oh...oh well"...
I tried reaching out to him a few months ago..he never replied...

mom called me a few hours ago saying he got 2 years....apparently he got off really good considering...

we were never really close....almost like cousins you see every couple years...
I feel bad for him....but part of me doesn't...
hard to explain...

Definitely going to be writing him while he's away though